A Journey of Love and Faith

Happy 2nd Birthday

2010-09-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

I am at a loss for words. Whenever I even think about writing this post it makes the tears begin. Sitting down and trying to explain how much I miss Timothy on his second birthday is a extremely hard.

That empty spot in my heart never really goes away. There are times that I feel like Timothy was a dream. A sweet little baby that I got to hold in an instant and then I woke up and he was gone. Could all of that been real? It is like the most vivid dream that I have ever had. I have moments when I feel like I have traveled back in time and I'm still there. I get lost in between this world of reality and dreams.

I love the life that God chose for me. I know that He is hard at work in my life. He is growing me, changing me, and molding me every day. Many times I feel like I would have chosen a different plan for myself but then I realize everything that I would have missed. It is the difficult moments in my life that I have been surrounded by wonderful friends and family. I have learned to be more thankful, more appreciative, and find more joy.

But...I miss him.

And so I walk in Faith...because I don't want to do it any other way.

My best friends daughter...

2010-06-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

Abby was only 8 years old when Timothy was born. She was never able to see him or hold him.

But she truly loved him.

She is an amazing 4th grader now. I was greatly blessed and honored late last week when she spoke at her school's "compassion" assembly about Timothy. She spent a lot of time and put a ton of thought about what she wanted to share, then she got up in front of her entire school and told everyone about our Timothy. She told everyone about the hopes and dreams we had for him, the love we have for him, how it we missed him when her brother and his best friend Jonathan was born, and how we have continued to celebrate his life.

After she was done telling Timothy's story she presented me with a Mother's day gift from him.

Wow! A blessed and wonderful day (even with a few tears)...

Shhhh...don't tell but I allowed Austin to miss school so he could come and be apart of an extra special Timothy day. Did you notice that it was Mayla first time wearing her Timothy shirt??

Abby,

Thank you for sharing your love for Timothy with me, your family, friends, teachers and your entire school. You are an amazing young woman. I love that you have been a great friend to my children. Emma loves and adores you.

I can't wait to continue watching you grow up into a wonderful woman just like your mom.

Love you,

Jen

flashbacks

2010-04-19T19:13:00.001-07:00

I have been having a lot of flashback lately. Intense flashbacks. The take.your.breath.away kind of flashbacks. When it hits I feel like I'm really there. Flashes of moments with Timothy. The moments that we announced our pregnancy with him, the seconds right after we heard about his testing and ultrasound, the waiting room for perinatology, watching his first breath...then his last. They are random, confusing, and take me off guard. They can hit me while I'm driving down the road or in the middle of the night while I'm nursing Mayla. Some make me smile, some make me cry. I have a real love/hate relationship with this. I love many of those memories but some are still too raw to relive.

family pictures

2010-03-24T10:35:00.001-07:00

I realize that the pictures on my side bar are really old, but I'm having a hard time changing them. I like that the pictures represent where we were when Timothy was in our arms. I know that it sounds odd but part of my heart is stuck back in 2008 and it doesn't want to move on.

Timothy's Gift

2010-03-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

I started thinking about this shortly after Timothy was born. I have been thinking, praying, planning, searching, practicing and mostly sewing since then.

I love the wonderful hospital that helped us deliver 4 out of 5 children (Austin was the only one not born there...but he still had the same delivering Doctor!) But after Timothy was born I became aware that they need to have some help with the very delicate practice of infant loss. Shortly after Timothy was born they brought in a standard gift box. It was a very nice gesture but I was thankful that we were prepared for Timothy and brought our own tiny clothes for him to wear as well as the other keepsakes that we wanted. It didn't take long for me to realize that most families don't expect to be dealing with a loss and don't have the ability buy their own tiny outfit or little blanket.

After seeing the gift box that we were offered, I knew that I wanted to do something more for these grieving families. The gift box had a little wrap for the baby to wear as well as a very tiny piece of cloth that was called a blanket. They had pink and blue foot prints all over them. They were okay but I know that I wouldn't have wanted my son to be dressed in them.

That is when I was overcome with a desire to bless other grieving families.

I have been making little boy and girl outfits for the last couple of months. One thing that you might not know about me is that I didn't know how to sew. I have had a machine for the last 10 years but only tried it a couple of times. I have been teaching myself how to sew but get this... these outfits are too small to edge very easily so I have also had to teach myself how to surge! I must say that surging is much harder then it looks!!!

I have 4 different sizes and my mom is knitting an extra extra small bunting for the tiniest babies.

On Timothy's birthday I plan to donate the gift boxes to our local hospital. My goal is to make 30-40 boxes. Each one will be gender and size appropriate and have an outfit, blanket, hat and a tiny heart pillow. I hope to also add a card for hand and footprints, a certificate of life (our hospital does not have them), tiny feet lapel pin, baby bracelet, information for bereavement support, and information for the nurse that is caring for the grieving family.

Since I always think big, I have one last goal for Timothy's birthday. I would love to provide the hospital with a camera and small photo printer. Shorty before we were discharged our nurse offered to give us the gift of Timothy's "hospital" picture. Even though we have a ton of pictures we were thrilled to have even one more. We went with her to the back to the camera and she couldn't figure out how to use it (neither could the other nurse with her). After fiddling with it for a long while we gave up getting the picture. I asked if she had any other way of taking pictures of baby's and she said no. I know that not everyone has a camera, or can go home to get one in the mist of crisis and I would love for the hospital to have a camera ready to snap pictures and a printer that can print them out before the family is discharged.

If you could please pray for each of these boxes, that they will bring a little comfort to the families that they are given too.

As you might have guessed, this is going to be a rather expensive project. I am not sure how much each box will cost at this time because I don't know exactly how much I will be able to add but I think that they will be between $8.00 and $12.00 each. If you feel lead to donate a box to a baby I have added a "chip in" widget.

Timothy's birthday!

2010-03-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

Yep, I know that most of you just said..."What??? She must know that her sons birthday is not until July!"

You are right, and no, I have not lost my mind. I am just really excited. I have started planning Timothy's birthday and it will be very different this year.

I will share more in the next couple of days. I need to do a little more work and take some pictures...

the "other" side

2010-01-29T09:26:00.000-08:00

My heart feels the pain that rips through each new family that joins us on the "other" side of this journey. When the Mom and Dad no longer fear the death of their child because they have just lived it.

I'm so sad that we have gained 3 new angel babies this week. 3... They all had Trisomy 18. Please lift their families up in prayer with me...Zoe, Sydney Grace, and Lyla.

And while you are praying for them can you also give my friend Jill and extra one?? Her sweet little girl Lily is thriving and growing (and so cute I just want to kiss her!), but after watching 3 losses this week I'm sure that Jill can use some peace, strength and sleep. And of course Lily could use your prayers for her safety and health as well!

Missing him

2010-01-28T08:08:00.000-08:00

Just missing my sweet boy today.

Happy year and a half little man...

***sigh***

Christmas

2009-12-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

I have always loved Christmas.

It is a beautiful time of year with all of the lights, music, friends, food and the birth of our Savior.But times have changed for me. I have faith that I won't always go into a pit of grief during this beautiful time of year but for now I'm having a hard time.

I have tried really hard to share the hope, blessings, faith, love, and joy that Timothy's life has given me. I don't even know how to put my feelings of grief into words. But I feel like I really need to write about the darkness that can take over my world at any moment.

I'm tired
I hate the fear
I hate the anger
I hate that inability to cope
I hate the frustration
I hate the stolen joy
I hate how this has affected every aspect of my life
I hate the blackness that can take me over
I hate that daily tasks can feel as impossible as building your own house
I hate that I miss my son and that I can't hold him or kiss him or cuddle him when he is scared or laugh with him when he is happy.

But normally I can handle my own emotions. I find it much harder when I have to watch my children and husband suffer. My children have a broken mom and my husband has a broken wife.

My 8 year old son wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares about how he might have killed his brother by being too loud. Or nightmares about how he was buried alive and couldn't get out. He does class projects about his brother that died and has friends that tell him that they wouldn't have allowed their brother to die; they would have dug him up and brought him home and kept him. In the darkness of his room in the middle of the night we cry together while I try to comfort him and he tells me how much he misses his brother and just wants him here with us, and all I can do is agree. My fear has rubbed off on him and he has a hard time controlling his emotions.

My almost 5 year old daughter collects anything that has to do with angels or babies. She deals with a need to hold firmly onto everything that comes into her life and it affects her all the way to her core when something is lost or broken. She still believes that our baby angel statue is Timothy. My anger has rubbed off on her and she has a hard time controlling her emotions.

Kadin was a lot younger when Timothy came into our lives so I think that he is mostly affected by me. My sadness has rubbed off on him and he has a hard time controlling his emotions.

My husband has been a rock. He is strong and steady. But he is affected beyond words. His whole world has been affected. I am very lucky because he has turned to God in his difficult times. He had been studding the bible and learning the Word more then ever before. (It has sparked some interesting discussions between us). He misses his wife.

One thing that is extremely frustrating about all of these emotions and feelings is that they do nothing for Timothy. He is at home in Heaven experiencing the greatest joy. Having me miss him and grieve for him doesn't bring him any more joy. He doesn't benefit from it in anyway shape or form. He is with our Savior and the only emotions he feels are love, joy and peace. Nothing we can do here on earth can increase any of those feelings.

So what is all of this pain for???????

I guess it is for us. To help us turn to God in our weakest moments and with our greatest needs. So that we can find true joy, peace and love in His arms. So he can bless our lives as only he can.

Please join me in praying for all the families that are grieving during this season of joy.

Since I really don't feel like updating on our normal family stuff and I know that many of you would like to see how big the kids are getting I would like to invite you to check us out at http://www.curreyclan.blogspot.com/.

Joy

2009-11-29T21:39:00.000-08:00

I am filled with joy.

I know that when I say that most people will think that our new little girl is the source of that joy. She's not. I mean she is...but she's not.

My entire life has changed since Timothy. All my children have brought me joy and changed my life... I'm in love with them all, but Timothy's short life really blessed me.

I live my life with a different kind of happiness. One that comes from this little boy that lives in my heart. He will never be replaced. He will never be gone. He walks with me everywhere I go and reminds me not to take one moment for granted.

He sits in my heart right next to my Savior. The source of my joy. The One that has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams and knew exactly what he was doing...both when he gave me a tiny little boy to love and when he took him home to Heaven. He made me breath when I couldn't do it on my own, carried me when I couldn't walk, cried with me when I couldn't get out of bed and hugged me when nothing in this world could comfort me.

AND

He has also given me JOY.

(family pictures update coming soon...I just have been too busy enjoying them to blog!)

14 months

2009-09-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that 14 months have gone by since we held Timothy. I'm amazed at how fast time goes by sometimes. We celebrated by going to visit him. I love that we are always filled with joy when we go to Timothy's park. Our children are always excited. They laugh and play. Don't get me wrong. The joy that we feel is bittersweet but I am glad that we don't have to be sad every time we think about Timothy or when we visit him. We believe that his life was a blessing and enjoy celebrating it! (Even though it isn't always easy to do)

One of the things that cracks me up is that they love to give him their toys but like any other brother they also love to take them back. (Almost) every time we go to visit and love on him our children bring gifts and when they arrive they are very excited to take back the presents from last time. It reminds me of the normal sibling rivalry...

"It's mine!"

"No, it's mine...give it back"

"You gave it to me"

"Only to borrow...I want it back now."

"Mommy!"

I know that is all in my head but it always brings me a little smile.

Yesterday was also Malya's first visit with us since she was born. It was really nice to have all our kids in the picture together. (We moved the stuffed animals for the pictures, but I promise we put them back before we left!)

just a quick update

2009-09-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! I'm sure that many of you have noticed that I haven't been writing very often lately. I'm sorry.

Mayla is 6 weeks old now and she is doing great. She has even had her first smiles! She does keep me busy though. She loves to be in my arms just about every second of the day so most of the time she is snuggled inside our best friend Moby. We have become quite the three some...Moby, Mayla and Me. In fact Moby has almost become part of our family, "Don't forget Moby mom.", "She want's Moby mom.", "WOW mom, Mayla really likes Moby doesn't she?".

As much as I really want to keep you all up to date on Mayla and share every second of our rainbow, I really set this site up for Timothy. So I think that I'm going to try to keep this site for Timothy. I plan to come here when I need to talk about him, think about him, remember my time with him, and mourn for him.

My posts here may be infrequent for a little while as I'm learning who I am right now and where I'm going. But rest assured, I will keep posting and keep updating. And I will continue to read all your wonderful blogs and journeys that have brought me so much support over the last couple of years. God has brought each one of you into my life and I'm thankful.

Can you guess??

2009-08-31T10:58:00.001-07:00

Where we have been for the last week with our brand new 3 week old baby?

What? You mean I didn't even tell you I was going somewhere?

I guess that I have a little catching up to do!
.

soon.

Mayla's birthday

2009-08-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

(Some of you may have already read this story on my family blog, but I wanted to share Mayla's birthday with all of our wonderful friends that have loved Timothy and supported us throughout the last couple of years!)

A true dream. That is what I will remember when I think about my first moments with our new daughter. She is a beautiful blessing and our little rainbow...

But let me back up a bit and share how she came into our arms. First I have to say that I didn't think she was ever going to come. I never thought I would go into labor and I was sure that we were going to need an induction. So when I woke up at 1:30 in the morning with my first contraction I didn't think much about it. Back to bed I went.About 10 or 15 minutes later, there was another. Then another.

Finally I started to get a clue and decided to get up and take a bath. After being in the tub for about 30 minutes I realized that we might be going to the hospital soon. BUT the problem was that we didn't really have anything ready! So I quietly packed our bag, put together some clothes for our children, emptied our camera, got the video ready, and brought the car seat down.

By 3:00 am I felt that we needed to go to the hospital. So I woke up daddy-to-be. He really thought that how I woke him up was really funny. I woke him up at 3 am and he just looked at me for a minute. "What?" he asked. No response. "What??" he asked again. "Why would I be standing in front of you at 3:00 in the morning fully dressed?". Ding Ding Ding!!!! He jumps out of bed and dresses in record time...

Then he thought I was even funnier when he got to the bottom of the stairs to see bags packed and the car seat ready.

So about 3:30 my mom arrives and we decide to go to the hospital. By this time my contractions are still rather irregular between 5 and 8 minutes apart and only moderately painful but since I was at high risk for placenta abruption we decided it would be safer to be at the hospital then at home.

I was a little surprised when we arrived at the hospital at about 4:00 and were already 5 cm (by the time I'm a 5 I normally deliver within 1-2 hours)! By about 5:00 we had an epidural and I was 8 cm. We really wanted our very special Dr Shope to be our delivering doctor but unfortunately he wasn't on call. The on call Dr was wonderful. She agreed to wait until 6:00 am and call him to see if he would come and deliver for us! And as promised she made the call and he was on his way instantly.

I believe that he arrived at about 6:40 quickly ruptured my membranes and told me that we should deliver in the next little bit.

Have I ever told anyone how much I love epidurals? I love epidurals!!! They ROCK! ( And I know because I didn't have one with Kadin). The only reason that we were able to wait for our awesome Dr Shope was because of that wonderful epidural. In fact he said that without it we would have delivered over an hour earlier...crazy.

Anyway... he came back into the room and announced that we were about to have our daughter in our arms. The room was quiet and without the normal hustle and bustle of a quick birth. The bed wasn't taken apart, and everyone was extremely relaxed. Dr Shope sat at the edge of the bed and within a couple of pushes she had arrived. At 6:58 am our little Mayla Lynn took her first breath and let out her first cry. 8 pounds 2.5 ounces and 6 days early! I'm lucky we didn't go 5 days late like we did with her big brother.

My husband would be disappointed if I didn't share one last part of her birth story...As Dr Shope told me is was time to push, I quickly asked Kevin to hand me our camera. Without thinking or asking me why he just did as I asked. So the entire room was SHOCKED when, after my first push, as I saw her tiny head appear... I snapped my first picture of her. Both the nurse and doctor stopped what they were doing (in the middle of her birth...I might add), looked at me in awe and said they had NEVER in their entire career watched a mother that is PUSHING her baby out taking her own pictures. I just laughed and continued to take pictures as she arrived. I guess that's what happens when you have had 5 babies!

The first week

2009-08-07T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today Mayla turned 1 week old. She is a great sleeper, likes to eat, loves to cuddle, and tolerates all the love and attention she receives from her proud brothers and sister all the time!

But today was a difficult Timothy day for me. It began at 5:30 this morning when Austin came into my room in tears saying that he misses Timothy. We cuddled together for a little while and talked about how Timothy is very happy, playing with his friends, and being loved by Jesus. Then He fell back to sleep and I proceeded to cry for quite awhile. I miss Timothy too. I should have 5 children climbing into my bed every morning cuddling with me. So today I spent much of my day celebrating Timothy's little sister and grieving his loss like I have too many times to count in the last year.

I have thought about him a lot these last couple of weeks. Between celebrating his birthday and returning to the hospital where I loved and lost him, I have had many ups and downs.

God has placed me on this roller coaster and asked me to trust him. To be honest I have struggled with trusting him lately. I trust that he has a plan for our family...I just haven't been able to trust that I was going to like that plan. For many reasons that we will never understand, he has taken more then one child from many families. That has been very scary for me.

The thing that I love most about this roller coaster is that I wouldn't change it. I wish Timothy was still with me, I miss him, I love him, but I would never change the fact that I had him. He is part of our lives and will continue live in our hearts forever. I am also deeply in love with his sister. I shouldn't have her in my life right now. But because of God's wonderful blessings and fulfilled promises I do.

Thank you God for taking such good care of our family and holding us in your hands as we have struggled and grieved. We ask that you continue holding us as we heal and learn to love and trust again. And give Timothy a kiss from his family that misses him dearly. Amen

just a taste

2009-08-03T14:06:00.001-07:00

Hello! I'm so excited to share a little taste of what we have been doing the last couple of days. Mayla is VERY loved by her sister and brothers. In fact I think that they get more baby time then mommy and daddy! Thankfully I still get a bunch since I nurse but poor daddy...he is feeling a little left out!

I'm hoping to post more about her birthday and share more pictures soon but until I'm able to get a little more sleep at night this will have to do!

She's Here!

2009-07-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

The Currey family is thrilled to announce the arrival of Mayla Lynn Currey. She arrived this morning at 6:58 am weighing 8 lbs 2 oz. She is absolutely beautiful ~ brown hair, sweet little cheeks. She looks so much like her big sister Emma and has certainly captured the hearts of her brothers.Jennifer is amazing! Within hours of Mayla's arrival, Jen had already showered, changed back into normal clothes and was walking around as if she were ready to bake a cake. She even had the Pediatrician doing a double take, asking if she was going home today.For those who are wondering, "Mayla" is a kind of waterlily...a fitting name for the beautiful little flower that bloomed today.Congratulations Currey family!
With joy ~ Karen

bees and butterflies

2009-07-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of our celebration on Saturday. We literally have hundreds of pictures so it has been hard to pick my favorites but here goes!

Our cake! As you can see bumble bee's were the theme for the party. I even spent several hours decorating the cake myself. Those bees were fun to make but took a lot of time. I just kept thinking about how much Timmy would love them! (But I didn't make the cake! I ordered one that was blank for me to decorate)

In Timothy's memory we released 60 live butterflies! They were beautiful and it was fun to watch them fly away. Some even stayed for a short visit while they landed on clothes and rested on hands . One thing that was really fun was that they continued to fly around the rest of the afternoon and we were able to watch them and continue enjoying them the entire party.

And then we just had a ton of fun together! Check out how many people wore their Timothy t-shirts!

Tomorrow is Timothy's birthday. We have a some more fun planned and I will share more in the next couple of days.

remembering and celebrating

2009-07-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today was a big day for us. We had a wonderful celebration with our family and friends for Timothy's first birthday. I know that his real birthday is not until Tuesday but we decided to have that as a family day and spend today with the friends and family that have been more then awesome throughout Timothy's life and loss.

I will post more later but I was asked several times today how I was doing. I had a great time and as long as I didn't think about why we were all together I was fine. But as soon as I started thinking about the fact that we were having a birthday cake with out a birthday boy I would start to get choked up. Then I would change my focus and try to just enjoy all of the fun activities. I wanted today to be a celebration not a memorial. I will save my tears and frustration for Tuesday...but today was wonderful.

I can't wait to post some pictures but I'm too exhausted right now. I hope to post those tomorrow.

Can't wait to share how we decided to honor his memory (it was the one time I did get a little choked up).

Thanks to everyone that has supported us. Some of you I see daily, some occasionally, many I have never met, but all of you have helped me in many ways. I appreciate every prayer that you have shared, every email, every card, and every hug. You are a wonderful support group that God has blessed our family with!

Mocha's shower

2009-07-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

I have wonderful friends! They have walked this road with me every step of the way and I'm so thankful that they have been my support system. They gave me the best "Mocha" themed shower this weekend! Mocha was showered with lots of love and tons of gifts. I must say that she is going to be the best dressed girl on the block.

Look at just a few of their creative decorations...

We had many moments of laughter, lots of oohs and aahs, great food, and a wonderful devotion about rainbows. Of course I almost fell into tears when I found out that everyone at the party was celebrating our little rainbow baby as well as remembering and including Timothy.

One of the best moments was when I found out that a close friend drove many hours just to celebrate with us. She (with the help of other friends) had been planning the surprise for weeks. I was shocked and thrilled. Thank you so much Erin for joining us!

The "PPC"

(I don't recommend even trying to guess how we got that name...CUZ I'm not telling!)

My wonderful and fun family crew

The devotion duo

(Both traveled a long way to celebrate with us!)

Most of the gifts...some didn't make it into the picture!

It's coming...

2009-07-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that it is almost time for Timothy's first birthday.

In just a couple of weeks we will have a 1 year old in heaven. There are moments that it feels like hours ago he was in my arms and times that it seems like years have gone by.

I have tried really hard not to focus on all of the things that I have missed with him. Instead I have tried to focus on all of the little and big blessings that he has given me. But as his birthday approaches it is hard to keep focus.

I miss him so much.

drifting

2009-06-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

I have been silent for many reasons lately.

I don't know how to explain the emotions that I have been feeling.

I have spent this entire pregnancy drifting. My greatest desire is to enjoy every moment with this pregnancy and baby. I have been trying very hard to separate myself from my past and my future. As much as I try, I'm not succeeding.

Over the last year I have started to listen to God differently. I listened to him when he told me I was going to lose my son. I listened to him when he asked me to get pregnant with our daughter. I have had the privilege to know that God will lead your heart if you will listen to him.

During my pregnancy with Timothy I knew that he was not going to be a T18 survivor. I knew that if we were going to get any time with him it would be a very short time. God prepared my heart for that. A few months ago I became friends with another T18 mother. I was blessed to talk to her and walk with her throughout her pregnancy. I was amazed when she told me that she thought Lily was going to live. She didn't know how long, but she felt deep in her heart that her daughter was a fighter...and maybe even a survivor. I now realize that God was preparing her heart. Lily is now almost 7 weeks old! She is eating on her own and doing great. Want to meet her?? Just click here!

So when my heart is filled with fear, I feel confused. There are real moments that I feel like I will not be able to bring this baby home. But I don't know if I am allowing myself to drift back to my past or if I'm listening to God in those moments. Is this fear real? I can't help feeling it. I can't stop it.

I haven't told many people but a couple of weeks ago I had a non-stress test done. During that test Mocha's heart had several decelerations. We had a biophysical profile done (a specialized ultrasound) and she looked wonderful. Her heart rate stabilized and the doctors told me that she was healthy and not to worry. But as I was sitting on that monitor my mind began having flashbacks to laboring with Timothy and watching his heart decel. I was frozen with fear and began wondering if it was God's way of preparing me for another loss.

So I am desperately trying to listen to God. But I can't figure out what is real this time.

8 weeks to go...

Better late then never

2009-05-27T17:34:00.001-07:00

This week has been a busy one. I spent most of my time getting prepared for our only camping trip this year. We have a tent trailer that allows us to go camping with heat, running water, and the most ~~comfortable~~ uncomfortable beds we have ever slept on. We love camping and look forward to it all year long. If fact we are a little bummed that we won't be able to do any more this year but we are getting closer to Mocha's arrival so we don't want to go too far away from home.

Last week Kyle took some more pictures of Mocha for us. She even gave us a cute little video of her mouth opening. It makes me giggle every time I see it. This little girl sure is cute! Kyle...thank you so much for giving us time with Mocha. You are a great and awesome friend. I can hardly wait until I get to bring her out for you to see and hold.

And...I think that she has a real name! I have had fun with some IRL friends when they ask me if we are really naming her Mocha. I look at them and say..."Yes! Isn't it the cutest name you have ever heard?" More then once I have been given a crazy look as they don't know how to respond. I will play it up for a few minutes then give in and tell them that her name is not Mocha...

As much as we love her name, we won't tell anyone what it is until after she arrives. With the exception of Timothy, we have always waited to share our children's names. I like to have a couple to choose from, so when we see and hold the new arrival we can give them a name that fit's them. Right now we only have one name picked out...so I really hope that it fits!

Beans

2009-05-12T10:14:00.001-07:00

A new kind of Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

As we celebrated Mothers day this year I realized that it would never be the same. I quickly found out that as I continue to celebrate the children that I have in my arms (and belly), I also have to learn how to celebrate the one that is in my heart. My goal is to learn how to do this with joy.

As we drove to Timothy's park today, I couldn't help but think about our past and our future at the same time. It feels almost unreal to think about what could have been and what will be. I am so thankful for all of the children that God has given us. I love each one of them for who they are. I love Timothy for who he was. I love Mocha for who he/she will be.

I was amazed as we pulled into the cemetery. Have you ever been to a cemetery on Mothers Day? We have gone to Timothy's park many, many times in the last 9 months. On most visits we are the only visitors there. On a rare occasion another couple or family will be visiting. But today...WOW. Cars lined the streets. Visitors were everywhere. Tons and tons of flowers. And as we spent time with Timothy I couldn't help thinking about the holiday that the entire Nation celebrates.

Mother's day is a day of celebration right? I always thought so. But I have a new understanding for this holiday. Today I spent time thinking about all the children that have lost their mom's and can't do that Mother's day craft in their class or don't have a mom to give them a hug. All of the adults that have lost their mom's and don't have anyone to bring flowers to or call and chat with. The mom's that want to be close to their children but because of distance or circumstances that is not a possibility. The mom's that have their children forget them on this day. All of the women that desperately want to be mother's but have not been blessed to have children. And all of the mothers that have to go to the cemetery to visit their children.

family resemblance?

2009-05-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

In addition to the March for Babies this weekend (see post below), Kevin and I also had some bonding time with Mocha.

If you are a long time blog reader you already know that I had several 3D/4D ultrasound done with Timothy. If you would like to see those cool pictures you can click here or here or here or here.

Shortly after I announced on blogger that I was expecting again I received an email from one of the sonographers that allowed us to spent so much time with our son. She explained that she has opened a brand new location and would love to give us the gift of a 3D/4D ultrasound with Mocha! I was blown away by her generosity. Of course I quickly agreed and made the appointment.

Kyle is truly amazing. Her new office is in Issaquah, Washington and I would HIGHLY recommend having one of these scans done. She would love to take a peek at your baby with you! Check out her web site at http://www.firstsight.us.com/.

She spent an hour with us and we had a great time. It was awesome to see this new little life spring forth with personality.

Most of you already know this but I have been struggling a little with bonding with this pregnancy and baby. I am not sure why but I assume that it has a lot to do with fear and grief. Over the last few weeks these feeling have started to melt away. I find myself falling in love with Mocha.

After this ultrasound I can most defiantly say that Mocha has stolen my heart. It was amazing.

I loved seeing chubby cheeks and long straight fingers (which is a HUGE deal after having a T18 baby). Mocha spent some time sleeping then woke up and made cute and funny faces at us.

When we had our original ultrasound we asked our sonogragher to put the gender in an envelope for us. Since I didn't see the gender on the screen it was hard to trust that it was correct. But I was thrilled because it turns out that we don't have a shy baby. I now know first hand that the gender is real. We saw it over and over again! In fact... I am thinking that I might be willing to spill the beans soon. So stay tuned...

Just look at these pictures! I can already see a little Currey in the making. Mocha is only 26 weeks right now but already looks like our other children.

Check out that smile!

I love those long fingers

Can you believe that mouth? I told you this kid could yawn!

I see a tired baby!

Look closely...there is a tongue in that mouth!

The Walk

2009-05-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

I am extremely happy about how wonderful our walk went today! We had a great time and awesome weather. I had been watching the weather report daily for the last 10 days and everyday was the same...50 degrees and rain. I went out and bought rain slickers for the kids and prepared for the worst. This morning when we woke up the first thing I did was peek out the window. You will never believe what I saw. SUN! God truly blessed our walk today.

For those of you that don't know, the March for Babies provides a victory van for the walkers that have a hard time completing the full walk. I am thrilled to say that even though there were 22 children on our team, we did not need to use that van. I have to admit that part of our group (me included) was the last ones to complete the walk but we did it! It was kind of funny because we had the victory van closely following us on the way back. We kept watching it get closer and closer until it was literally pushing us over the finish line! I had a great time but next year I plan to put my children (any myself) through a training program first!

What? No more pizza! No more cinnamon rolls?!

2009-05-02T17:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is our big day! I can't wait for our first March for Babies. Our team has done a FANTASTIC job of fundraising! We have raised over $1600.00!!

I have been very busy over the last 3 weeks. I am thrilled with the amount of orders we have received for the pizza and cinnamon rolls. We have made 92 pizza's and 62 pans of rolls. That means that I have made 744 cinnamon rolls! Okay I did have a little help...but still...that is a lot of dough!

Here is a few pictures of what we have been busy doing lately. Yep-my belly is getting bigger!

Inquiring minds want to know...

2009-04-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

How am I feeling...

How am I doing???

Lots of friends have noticed that I have been blogging with out sharing my feelings lately.

Today I feel blessed. I am amazed at all the blessings that God has chosen to give me.

I have been thinking about where I was 1 year ago and where I am today. One year ago I was 24 weeks pregnant and just beginning the grieving process for our tiny 1 pound son. I was filled with an unknown future and a heavy heart.

Today I can look back and see everything that God was doing in my life. He was blessing me beyond measure.

He gave me 2 hours and 50 minutes with one of the cutest, most precious, lovable little boy's I have ever met. A little boy that loved to cuddle with me and look around for his daddy. This same little boy that is ALIVE right now in the arms of Jesus! I am truly amazed at the thought of the beauty that Timothy is experiencing today because God blessed him with life.

Little did I know that he would continue to bless us with another child. A little baby that kicks and rolls just to remind me that s/he is here to stay. A little one that we will be able to bring home and watch grow up. Our children will even be able to fight over who gets to hold Mocha all day long (and I do mean fight...they sure love babies!).

I am truly blessed by my husband. He has been super supportive with my many, many, many ups and downs. He has been willing to pick me up when I am down, but more then that,he has been willing to carry me. He is an amazing man. He blesses me with chocolate, flowers, and even sleep!

I have wonderful children, awesome friends, and a great family. God is good...and I am blessed.

I will leave you tonight with a couple pictures of my biggest blessings.

And a brand new picture of Mocha giving us a thumbs up. I should say a very tired Mocha. I have never watched a baby yawn so big or so many times! At least 3 times in a row! Do you think that it is possible for my fatigue to rub off on Mocha???

Most people think I am CRAZY!!!

2009-03-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe the support we have received for our first March for Babies! Timothy's team is up to 27 walkers!!! Our team has already collected $375.00 in donations (Thanks to several of my readers!). I am not very good at this fundraising thing but I thought I would just do my best. Below is my fundraising letter. I have been told by many people that I am crazy!

I like "cooking for Timothy". I feel like this is a very motherly thing for me to do. I will never get to make him all of the dinners that I wanted too, and I feel like there isn't a better way for me to raise money in his honor.

If you live local (sorry I haven't been able to figure out how to ship these frozen meals!) and would like to place an order, I would love to cook for you! You can click on my email button on my side bar and place your order. Just leave me your name, phone number, address and order.

Dear friends, family and fellow walkers,

I am filled with excitement! I can hardly wait until May 3rd!

In memory of Timothy, our family and many of our friends are going to join the March for Babies and walk 3.5 miles to raise awareness, find treatment, and prevent premature babies, birth defects and infant mortality.

We would like to personally invite everyone to join our team and walk with us. We would be thrilled and honored to have a huge group to ROCK that stadium! Signing up is simple. Just click on the link below and click on the “walk with me” button. The walk is 3.5 miles and will be at a slow pace because we will have a bunch of little children with us…which mean’s you are also welcome to bring your little ones!

Below are a few ways that you can help our walk... and you could end up with some really cool stuff!

1) I will be taking your pizza orders!!! I plan to personally slave over a hot stove for hours making hundreds of pizza’s just to feed YOUR family! I love to have a freezer full of food so I can give my children a healthy meal without cooking all day long. One of my favorite dishes is pizza. I will be putting these pizza’s together for you to have in your freezer for a wonderful, quick, healthy and fun dinner. I will be using a fully cooked prepared pizza crust and adding all the necessary ingredients in separate bags. I will package all the items together and flash freezing them for you. When you are ready for your own “Jennifer” made dinner all you have to do is pull it out of the freezer, slightly thaw the ingredients, put everything together, then…presto…DINNER!

You will be able to order Cheese, Pepperoni, or Hawaiian. The price will be 2-12 inch pizzas for $12.00. About $5.00 for each order will go directly to our March for Babies. You can order as many as you would like…the more the better! I will have several meet and greet times available for pizza pick-up…dates to be determined. If any of those dates won’t work for you, no problem, we will make a special meeting!

2) What would dinner be without dessert?? I will make a full pan of cinnamon rolls for your enjoyment. These will also be flash frozen. All you have to do is take them out of your freezer about 30 minutes prior to baking, put in the oven for 20-25 minutes and you have 12 hot, homemade cinnamon rolls. You can use them for breakfast, dessert, or a midnight snack (my favorite).

They will be available for a small fee of $6.00 per pan of 12 rolls. About $3.00 will go towards our walk.

3) Have you ever wanted to attend one of those fun and energizing girl nights out where you get to explore your wild creative side? I am planning on hosting a Stamping up Party! I know…I have heard all the excuses. I’m not creative…I can’t do that… But I am here to tell you that is not the case! Tani McCann, our wonderful coordinator, puts everything together for us. She even makes a template for us to follow! We will all be able to go home with 6 beautiful handmade cards that will either sit in our drawers (like mine) or will be sent to someone very special…like me (hint, hint). As an extra incentive I might just bring a couple pans of those delicious cinnamon rolls you have heard all about!

The party will be Friday April 17th at 6:30 pm. We will be able to talk and create together until about 9:00 pm! The party will be at Tani’s house in Kent. Please let me know if you plan to come so that I can arrange enough supplies for everyone. I will send you her address.

The cost for this fun filled event will be $10.00 per person. $5.00 for each guest and 20% of all orders will go directly to our team walk (Thank you Tani for donating so much of your time and resources for this event!).

I would like to thank everyone for joining us on this journey over the last year. You have loved Timothy and allowed him to become part of all of our lives even after we lost him. Your prayers and support have meant more to our family then I can begin to explain.

If you would like to visit my team page please go to http://www.marchforbabies.org/timothysteam. There is a really cute picture of Timothy for you to enjoy!

If you would like to get caught up with our family you can visit www.timothyjamescurrey.blogspot.com.

Love,

Jennifer and family

To place an order:

Please respond to this email. Provide your Name, Phone Number, Address and Order. Don’t forget to add your pizza preference (mix and match is okay).

A sneek peek

2009-03-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you how much I love my job?

I love my coworkers...

I love my patients...

I love me boss...

I love my ultrasound!

This video isn't wonderful but I just had to try to show you our daughter...or do I mean son??

I can tell you that it is very hard to do an ultrasound on yourself and keep track of a wiggly little guy while at the same time take video (by yourself) of the ultrasound screen. I really do love watching her squirm like that! Every time she opens her hands to wave at me, she makes me happy. It is awesome to get to know him more and see him open his mouth and smack his lips like he can't wait to eat!

Stellan

2009-03-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here enjoying a mocha listening to Kadin strum on the guitar and praying for Stellan.

If you have a moment please skip over to Mck Mama's blog and see how little Stellen is doing. Please join me while I pray for this little guy until he has another miraculous healing. God has saved "Mck Muffin" once before...I just know he can do it again.

Thank you!!!

2009-03-21T01:12:00.000-07:00

I feel so blessed and honored to have received so much generous support from everyone! I am having a hard time containing my excitement for this walk and can hardly sleep at night right now (did you notice the post time?! ...1:15 am)

In the last 48 hours we have received $195.00 in donations and we have 16 walkers!!! Yes...16 walkers! Okay...7 of them are children, but I can't wait to see "Timothy's Team" ROCK that stadium!

I am busy trying to come up with some exciting fundraising ideas, so stay tuned, more excitement to come!

Let me just say it again...Thank you...Thank you...Thank you!!!!!!! YEA!

March for Babies

2009-03-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

In the midst of all that has been going on with us, I have just learned that the March for Babies walk is right around the corner!

This will be our first year participating in the March for Babies and are excited and plan on making this an annual tradition.

We would be both honored and thrilled if you would like to join "Timothy's Team" and walk with us. We are planning to bring our children (which means a slow pace!) and are excited for a day filled with fun. We are going order personalized t-shirts so please let me know as soon as possible if you would like to walk with us.

If you are unable to walk with us but would like to sponsor Timothy's Team with a donation you can click on the side bar or go to the March for Babies website. You might wonder why I chose $412.00 as my fundraising goal...Timothy's birth weight was 4 pounds 12 ounces! What a great goal for my first year!!

If you have any great fundraising ideas for me please let me know! I am new at this...

5/3/2009 9:30:00 AM
Qwest Field
800 Occidental Ave S Seattle, WA 98134
Walk Distance:3.5miles
Registration Time: 8:00AM
Start Time:9:30 AM
Chapter:Greater Puget Sound Division
Phone #: (206) 624-1373

SPAL

2009-03-17T21:05:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard the term SPAL?

It wasn't until recently that I became acquainted with it myself. It stands for Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss. If you are a blogger and live in deadbabyland, it is a term that you are not only familiar with but in many cases you are desperate for.

I know that many babylossmommies that read my blog may have had a hard time reading about Mocha. I would like to tell each and every one of you that I am praying and will continue to pray that God will complete your families and you will find your self preparing for your rainbow baby soon.

I would like to be completely honest about my SPAL. Putting these feelings into words and on paper is extremely hard.

About 12 weeks after we lost Timothy I found myself taking a pregnancy test. As soon as the faint line began to appear, I fell to my knees in tears. These were not tears of joy. They were tears of fear.

Going through a SPAL is one of the most difficult experiences I have ever experienced. It is not easy. It has not made everything better. In fact, it has complicated my grief more then I can explain. I struggle with guilt, I struggle with fear, I even struggle with bonding (which of course makes me struggle with more guilt and fear!).

I wanted to wait until I could feel an abundance of joy before I told our friends and family about Mocha, so I waited...and I waited...and I waited. I began to feel my tummy grow and started to feel him move inside of me. And although those moments with her did bring me joy, they didn't take away any of the difficult thoughts and emotions that I have been having.

A few weeks ago my family began to tell me that I couldn't hide much longer and I would have to tell soon. So we decided that it would be through tears that I would have to make the wonderful announcement. I have been really scared to tell everyone about Mocha. I was frightened about their reactions. Would they tell me that it is too soon? Would they look at me with that "look" in their eyes that say's "What were you thinking?" Would they assume that now I am okay since I have "moved on"?

So far almost everyone has been wonderful! They have hugged me and told me that they are happy for us. They tell me how much they love the Currey kid's smiles and can't wait to see another one. I have had a couple hurtful comments... "So, I hear that you decided to do it again right away." (how do I even respond to that?). And after telling someone how hard it is emotionally she told me that I shouldn't struggle with fear or bonding...Yea, like it is that easy and I want to feel this way!

I am excited and thrilled at the thought of bringing home a little brother or sister for our children, but it is really hard to believe. God chose to give us Timothy and he chose to take him away. God has given us another blessing, I just don't know what his long term plans are...

Right now I have been struggling with some extreme fatigue. I'm sure that it is a combination of the pregnancy, emotions, lack of sleep, and trying to keep up with 3 kids and the house. Please join me in prayer for my emotions and my fatigue (and thank God that the nausea and vomiting are gone!!!).

Gravida....Para

2009-03-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Today I went to my first ob visit. I know, most people will think that I am crazy waiting so long to go but I had a really hard time making myself go back to the office again. My Dr has been completely understanding and agreed to order the ultrasound prior to my first visit.

So today as I was going over my history with a new nurse I noticed she wrote down that I am gravida 6 para 3.

You may not know what these numbers mean. Here is a quick overview. Gravida is the number of pregnancy's that you have had and Para is the number of babies you have delivered.

She is correct...I am gravida 6. My first pregnancy was a 10 week miscarriage, 3 normal pregnancy's, 1 trisomy 18 pregnancy, and now.

But I quickly told her that I should be para 4. She told me that I am para 3. I explained that I carried full term and delivered a little boy that lived for almost 3 hours. She said that she is going to put him in the "not living" section and keep me at para 3. I explained again that he was born alive and I should be para 4 (I even told her that I do this for a living and I know that I am para 4!). She looked at me for a minute and said we will "figure this out" as she left the room.

I wanted to scream and cry..."HE COUNTS!!!! DON"T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME. HE LIVED, HE IS MINE, HE COUNTS!!!!"

My Doctor quickly confirmed that I am para 4 which helped me calm down but I was hurt and frustrated that para 3 was written on my chart and I don't even know if it was changed.

Mocha revealed

2009-03-07T10:45:00.000-08:00

A bunch of people have a bunch of questions! Since no one in blogger land and very, very few friends/family knew about this, they want answers!

One of the biggest questions is how far along are you...

18 weeks

due date...

August 6th, 2009. It happens to be 1 year and 4 days after Timothy's due date, and 6 days after his first birthday.

Nickname...

Mocha. For many reasons we have fallen in love with this nickname. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant I began to crave mocha's. I mean I NEED them! I don't normally drink coffee at all but he/she had other idea's (don't worry too much...the one I drink only has 35 mg of caffeine per cup and I limit myself to a few per week). My husband is a coffee-oholic. We can't drive past a Starbucks with out him getting a cup. I love chocolate (which is the main ingredient in a mocha)!!! And it is a cute gender neutral name.

Gender...

Yep and Nope. As Mocha's mommy and daddy, we get to know! But in case you are wondering...we aren't going to share! Heee Heeee

Health...

We went to our formal ultrasound this week and Mocha looks WONDERFUL. He is kicking and squirming, opening all of his fingers to wave to us, and making faces at us. She is measuring right on date. She is perfect in every way!

How did I keep this a secret for SO long...

Lots of hiding out in my house during the nausea and vomiting stage. A wonderful husband that "covered" for me while I was skipping church and events. And wearing lots of big clothes with zip up jackets.

Why did I keep this a secret for so long...

This is the big/hard one. I will start by saying that this has thrown me over the edge emotionally. I want to share more about this but it is little too much right now, as I have so much to tell. For now please understand that I am not able to treat this like a "normal" pregnancy and although I am filled with joy I am also filled with many more emotions.

The Gift...

2009-03-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

Just me walking on the beach...

all by myself....

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Maybe not!

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We are thrilled to introduce...

Timothy's little brother or sister!

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A gift...

2009-03-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

Someone has given us the most beautiful gift!!!! I can't wait to get the pictures ready so I can show everyone!

Stay tuned...I will post more soon

In the Sand

2009-03-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

Feeling inspired by Carly I decided to write all of our children's name in the Hawaiian sand. These pictures were taken on the Kaanapali beach. I must admit that they were extremely difficult to take. We had to figure out the lighting, write the names very quickly, and take the pictures (without footprints in the sand)...all before a wave took the name away.

Making memories

2009-03-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

Since I started having little ones around the house I have been a mommy that is obsessed with taking pictures, collecting artwork, gathering keepsakes, and making memories. Whenever I capture the perfect picture or pack away a favorite outfit I have always thought about the moment 10 or 20 years from now when I would be able to share these treasures with the child that has helped me have such wonderful memories. I think about showing the cute bare bum pictures to girlfriends and giggling together as they see all the messy faces that I have cleaned up. I dream of day that I will get to see them dress their new babies in the outfits that they were once dressed in.

I have struggled with this since I have lost Timothy. There are days that I look through his keepsakes and I will start to think about how much he will love them. Then I quickly remember that he will never even see them. His girlfriend will never see his first moment picture and his son will never wear his first outfit or be wraped in his blanket. He will never know the amount of love or the number of tears that I have put into his box.

If I am going to be really honest I often feel a little bitter when I realize this (over and over again). I often wonder why I keep adding to his box. I really have to sit back and listen to my heart. I remember that Timothy is my precious son and even though he will not be able to share these treasures with me, I still want to give them to him. His box is for his family to love. A place for us to remember, to heal, and to treasure.

I just added a special new item to his box. I bought him a cute little tiny baby bracelet in Hawaii. I got one for each of my special children, however, theirs might end up lost or broken before they make it into their box :-)

Here is just a couple of my favorite things from his box. A blanket that my mother made for him with love, the outfit that he wore while he was in our arms, a record of his heartbeat while he was safe in my tummy, a beautiful picture of him getting his first diaper, his hand and foot mold (complete with new bracelet), and his memorial book that was made personally for him by our wonderful friend Denise.

Leap year

2009-02-28T23:49:00.001-08:00

February 29 will not happen again for another 3 years, but every time we skip it, and every time we celebrate it I will have a vivid memory. A memory of me sitting on my couch and looking at my caller ID, answering the phone, and feeling like my heart has just stopped.

If you have never heard the term FISH, you are blessed. If you have never received the results from the FISH test, you are blessed. If you have ever taken the call, received the results, heard the words... full Trisomy 18, you will remember that moment for the rest of your life.

Cuddle Time!

2009-02-27T20:34:00.000-08:00

I'm home! After spending a very uneventful week in Hawaii it feels wonderful to cuddle with my husband and hold my children. Life has returned to normal very quickly and I am back to making lunches, being the referee for little fights, and putting kids to bed. I am loving all the little things that make me a mommy.

I can't wait to share more pictures. Hopefully I will get them uploaded soon. Right now I just want to cuddle with Kevin!

Thanks for your well wishes and prayers. It was difficult to go so far away from my family but I am thankful that I was able to enjoy some time away.

Sunset

2009-02-21T21:29:00.000-08:00

Just a couple pictures of paradise...

I am having a good time visiting with my family and relaxing by the pool and ocean. I will post more pictures soon.

Following God...to Hawaii???

2009-02-17T08:26:00.000-08:00

I am getting a plane tomorrow morning and going to Hawaii...all by myself. I am so nervous! I have never left my children or husband like this before. It is totally out of character for me.

My mom, dad and sister have been planning this trip for the last year. My brother and sister-in -law jumped on board about 6 months ago. They have been asking, begging, and pleading with me to join them forever! I really wanted to join them but I couldn't bring myself to leave my family behind.

About 2 weeks ago I began to feel God talking to me...asking me to trust him. I began to feel like he was asking me to accept a gift from him. A gift of relaxation, reflection, and a time to recover. I have never had any time to myself to recover. Every day since I came home from the hospital I have been responsible for 3 young children. I couldn't spend a day in bed or in tears.

A week and a half ago I took the leap of faith and booked the trip. We have wonderful friends watching our little ones during the day while Kevin works and they are going to have great time. Kevin is excited to have some extra daddy time while I am gone. He has been extremely supportive for me. When I start to feel scared he puts his arms around me and tells me how good this is going to be.

So, I'm off to enjoy a little sunshine for an entire week!

Laughter

2009-02-04T12:13:00.000-08:00

I have been enjoying the last couple of evenings with my husband!! We put the kido's to bed and spend time together laughing and giggling. It has been a long time since I felt the desire to just laugh with him. I couldn't be more thrilled to feel like we are getting back to normal. YEA!!!!

Happy 6 Month Birthday Little Buddy!

2009-01-29T23:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Timothy's six month day. No, I am not writing this a day late because I forgot...just the opposite. I wanted to save yesterday for me and I spent a lot of the day thinking about, remembering, and loving our young son.

I can hardly believe that 6 months are already gone. There are times that I feel like this has been a dream. The problem is that everyday I wake up and realize that it wasn't. I remember holding him and touching him, in fact I remember everything about him. His hair was the exact same color as mine, his eyes were a bright blue, his big toe was a little smaller then his "ring" toe, his fingers made a perfect little fist, his skin was soft, and his smell was sweet.

I often wonder what he would be doing now. There are times that I think about what he would be doing if he was a T18 survivor. Would he be having cardiac surgery? Would he be nursing, bottle feeding or tube fed? Would he require oxygen? How much would he weigh? Would I be afraid to leave our house? Would he be smiling at his siblings when they talked to him? Would he be happy? I love reading about other T18 survivors and seeing how happy they are. It brings me joy to know that these babies that are "incompatible with life" not only survive but they love life!!

I also think about what he would be doing if he was "healthy". If he is anything like our other children he would still be nursing but also eating solid foods, starting with vegetables and enjoying fruits as dessert. He would be sitting up on his own and getting ready to be on all four's during tummy time. With daddy's help he would be sleeping through the night and taking 2 naps during the day. I would be taking him to the bus stop in our front pack and sitting in the only open seat in our van. He would be splashing in the tub and loving the water. He would be giggling with his siblings and love to see dad when he came home from work.

Having Timothy has changed my life. I wish that I could say that I am over the grieving process that all I think about if the blessing's and joy he gave me but I can't. Not yet. I do feel blessed and I do feel joy, but I also feel regret, sorrow, and fear.

I don't know who I am anymore. I feel lost and alone much of the time. I know that I am struggling with depression because I love to sleep during the day, I still struggle to sleep at night, have a hard time cleaning my house, and I'm not winning the mother of the year award. In my last post for New Year's Eve I wrote about how my desire is to give God my all. That is my greatest desire but I can't seem to find out how to do that. My head says that it's easy...just do it. My heart, on the other hand, can't seem to get on board. There are moments that the pain is so great that it hurts to breath. I have taken a little step backwards lately. I want to be a wonderful wife and mother and in order to do that I need to figure out who I am now.

God is with me during these difficult days. I know that he is carrying me right now and will continue to carry me until I am ready to learn to walk again. I am giving him my all but it is less then I wanted it to be.

If you would like to pray for our family, please pray that we will continue to grow and that I will find peace as I learn how to move forward and find myself again.

The begining of a New Year

2009-01-01T23:09:00.001-08:00

Last night we celebrated New Year's Eve; the beginning of a new year. 2008 is now compete and all I can say is that I'm not ready. Ringing in the new year was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I had to leave 2008 behind me, I didn't have a choice.

As I waited for the days to go by I began to realize that I would be going into a new year without Timothy. I can no longer say that I saw and held and kissed my son this year. I felt like I was leaving him behind. I have struggled with the "moving on" aspect of loosing Timothy. I never wanted the hours to turn into days, the days to turn into weeks, or the weeks to turn into months. Now as I struggle to leave this year behind me, the months have begun turning into years.

Now as I look forward to a new year, 2009. What will it look like? What will it include?

I know what I want out of 2009. I want to give God more. Most of you will think I am crazy...you have given God your son, what more do you want to give him??

I want to give him my all. My time, my love, my trust, my family, my fear. As I look forward to 2009 I want to have a closer relationship with Him and to rely on Him to guide me and teach me in His way. I want to give up my own agenda and listen to His. I want to grow. Please pray for me as I learn how to give God my all and that 2009 will be a year filled with peace, growth, faith, and love.

Our First Christmas

2008-12-28T16:42:00.001-08:00

Christmas in our home was beautiful. Lot's of excitement as the kids made gingerbread houses at Grandma and Grandpa's house and opened more presents then we could count.

The best part? We had our first white Christmas in 18 years! A beautiful day to spend with family playing in the snow, making a huge snowman, and enjoying the birth of our Savior.

But many friends have noticed that I have been silent on my blog and they are wondering how I'm doing through the holidays. Some have asked me how I am doing and I have (almost) always given them my generic answer...fine, or good, or okay, and sometimes even great. They give me the a questioning look that asks me "Really? Are you lying to me?" They know me so well. Yes, I have been lying to most of you. The holiday's are very hard. There were days in the last few weeks that I just survived, moved through the minutes and struggled to keep myself together.

I am blessed by such wonderful friends. I have heard countless stories of mommies that felt like no one remembered the precious children that they have lost. I am so thankful that so many people have loved and cared about Timothy and remember him with me. I have received more hugs this year then I ever thought possible.

About 1 week ago we went to celebrate Christmas with Timothy. Our family and friends joined us for Christmas carols, Christmas tree decorating, and candy canes. To make our first annual Christmas visit even more memorable...snow! Even though it was bitter cold and our hands were too cold and numb to finish decorating the tree it was a great time to celebrate Timothy's life and remember him during this holiday season.

As much as I dislike the difficult emotions that we have faced throughout the last year I am forever grateful for Timothy's life. I love how he has changed me. I love how he has changed my family. I love how he has changed my friends. I don't fully understand God's plan and at times I find myself searching my heart and soul for answers to the questions that I have. Most of those questions remain unanswered, but I trust that the Lord my God has a plan and with His awesome, powerful, sovereign, love He choose to bless our family with a tiny little boy that lived for 2 hours and 50 minutes that we will love and miss for the rest of our lives.

A Timothy moment

2008-12-19T22:26:00.000-08:00

I remember back when I was a small child and my parents took me on my first plane ride. I remember the first time I felt the plane take off and the excitement when I saw the clouds disappear beneath me. I loudly declared "Look mom, clouds!!"

This last week we took our children across the country to visit their Uncle Bill, Aunt Suzzy and cousins, Izzy and Mason.

I loved watching our little children's excitement as they saw the plane for the first time and watching the joy in their eyes when we began to lift off.

I will forever remember the words my three your old daughter said when we broke free from the clouds and saw the beautiful blue sky surround our plane. "Look mom, Timothy!!" All I could do was fight back tears and nod my head. She was so excited to finally know and understand "heaven" in her own little eyes. From now on, when ever I fly, this is what I will remember and think about.

back to the begining

2008-12-05T23:57:00.000-08:00

Today marks the first day I start saying "one year ago"

December 5th, 2007

one year ago...

we had our positive pregnancy test

one year ago...

we began planning our wonderful new life with 4 children

one year ago...

we had no idea that a freight train was about to hit our family

Learning to trust again

2008-11-29T21:37:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to learn how to trust God again. I wish that I knew that God has taken one child away from me and he will not take another away. Since I know that He never made me that promise I find myself in a constant state of fear. I don't know how to place my family in His hands without that fear. I desperately want to trust God and feel surrounded by his love and protection. However, I know that he never promised that I wouldn't feel pain and sorrow. I find myself fighting with God. Telling him that I have given enough and begging him not to take any more.

I guess that is why I am trying to learn to trust God again, and give him everything that I have.

His name in the sand...

2008-11-24T18:09:00.001-08:00

Timothy's name has been written in the sand and it is beautiful!!!

Please check it out... click here.

Carly is a mommy that lost her son, Christian, January 26, 2007. She began going to the beach and writing the names of all our lost children in the sand. She began this project 4 months ago and has already written 665 names in the sand. What a special gift she has given us all. Thank you Carly.

Just scrapin'

2008-11-14T09:03:00.000-08:00

My mom mentioned to me yesterday that I haven't blogged in a while. Yep-I have been busy! I am working really hard on Timothy's scrapbook. I know that it won't be done for months (I am a bit of a perfectionist) but I'm having a great time looking at all of his pictures. I am doing a digital scrapbook from scratch, wow, it's a lot of work!!

I found this picture and I just love it...look at his arms and legs...aren't they cute?

reflection

2008-11-06T12:33:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to recognize a pattern beginning in my life. I will have a period of peace, followed by a day of frantic cleaning, then a day of quiet reflection.

Today I am enjoying my day of reflection. I have spent much of my time sitting on the couch looking out my window, just thinking.

I find myself getting ready to do some things that I haven't been able to do yet. I want to start Timothy's scrapbook, and I want it to be perfect. Wouldn't it be great if I could get it done by Christmas? I am also beginning to think about some grief counseling. I still don't know if I am ready yet but I think in the next couple of months I will be making that call. So, Angie, get ready and be prepared for a mommy with a broken heart. I am also thinking that I might be ready to watch all of the video we took of Timmy and make it into a little movie that we can share with our friends and family that didn't get to meet him.

I am trying not to reflect on the things that I can't change. I can't bring him back...but I can honor his memory. I can't go back and fix all of those things that I regret...but I can remember and enjoy all of my favorite memories. I can't give him any more hugs or kisses and I will never be able to hold him again...but I can give all my love to my other 3 children and my husband, so I will never wish I had given them more.

I am trying to come up with a great way to honor Timothy's memory this Christmas. I would love any suggestions that my wonderful blog readers might come up with...

He's here!!

2008-10-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe that today marked the 3 month anniversary since we held Timothy. It has been filled with so much emotion; excitement, fear and joy.

Many of you already know my closest friend, Karen. She was with me the day that we received Timothy's diagnosis, the day he was born, and the day he was buried. Many of you may not know that she was also expecting her 5th child through out all of these up's and down's.

I finally received the call late last night. Karen was going to the hospital to deliver her little boy, Jonathan.

I was instantly excited. I couldn't wait to see this little man that I already loved so much. Her sister (a close friend of mine) and I spent the night in the waiting room talking, giggling, pacing and praying. Finally at 5:00 am we had to go home to allow our husbands to go to work.

During the night I had many flashbacks to my labor with Timothy. I could vividly remember the smells in my room and I remembered watching and hearing the decelerations on the monitor. I remembered praying that we would be able to have some time with him.

There were moments today, while I was waiting for baby Jonathan, that I was almost paralyzed in fear. I have a real understanding of the complications that can occur and how instantly a happy ending can turn into a real life nightmare. I desperately needed God to put his loving protecting hands on both Karen and Jonathan through out the labor. I waited at home with constant prayers on my lips and many tears in my eyes for the news that he was safe and sound in his mommy's arms.

I finally felt true joy when I heard that he had arrived at 10:21 am, weighing 7 pounds 11 ounces and 18.5 inches long. He is a beautiful, precious, wonderfully made child of God.

Karen- I am so proud of you! Your strength and courage have amazed me since the first day that I met you. You are the most wonderful mother and wife that I know. Thank you for your friendship, your support, and for sharing your wonderful family with mine.

Timothy- I held your best friend today! Everytime I watch him grow I will think about you. When I see him take his first steps I will see you taking those steps with him, and when he is running around the yard I will see you winning the race. I will find joy in every moment that I am blessed to experience with your little buddy, Jonathan.

Karen and I are pregnant with Jonathan and Timothy

Moments of joy

2008-10-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. I haven't blogged in an entire week. This last week has been like a breath of fresh air for me. I felt like I was lifted up in prayer and able to breath again. I was even able to put my computer down and engage with my family again. I would like to send a huge thank you to everyone that has helped me through the hard days. I have never met many of you , but all of you have helped my tremendously. Some through emails or comments, some through hugs or cards, almost all through prayers.

I don't really know how to write about my good and wonderful moments on the same blog that I write about my feelings of emptiness that I have without Timothy. But in truth my life is often filled with joy.

I would like to share a little secret with everyone. After I delivered Timothy I realized how much I love blogging and decided to start a family blog. If you would like to see a few of my many joyful moments in the last couple of months you are formally invited to click here.

falling

2008-10-17T00:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight I fall...

I fall into a deep pit of grief. A blogger friend once wrote that this is where we are supposed to be right now, and not to worry. We are falling with the grace and love of God surrounding us.

I look up and see the stars of heaven above at me, filled with love, grace, peace and joy, but I am unable to reach them.

I think about my life over the last 80 days and I see myself struggling. I struggle to sleep at night. I struggle to stay awake during the day. I struggle to take care of my children, take care of my husband, and take care of myself. I pretend that I am okay...visiting with friends and laughing, but I am struggling.

I have been searching. Looking for something in my life that is missing. I read blog after blog hoping that I will find what I am longing for. Tonight I finally realized that what I am searching for is gone. My sweet boy is gone. My heart will forever miss him. I miss him more with each passing moment, with every breath that I take. I want him back so bad that I ache inside.

Tonight I listen to Timothy's music and I cry. I hear the song that my wonderful friends sang/played at his funeral and I cry. I remember feeling him on my chest as he took his first breath and as he took his last, and I lose myself in grief.

As I fall I wonder where is the bottom...

Remembering Timmy

2008-10-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

Emma: Dad, Mom, is Timothy looking down on us with God? Mom, Timothy's friend is the moon! Mom, Dad, Timothy is my best friend.

Austin: Hey dad, you think Timothy is playing football with God? (I said Yes) Well he is the Seahawks and he will beat God cause he is faster! Dad, Mom, I can't wait to see Timothy.

Kadin: Well, he just says what any 1 year old says. Points at something and says "baby"!

These statements by our kids is a small glimpse of the love our family has for Timothy. As hard as it is for families to go through losing a child, there is an overwhelming amount of love and joy for our little one.

As for me, his fragile body, smooth skin, his baby blues and most importantly, his resiliency to fight to meet us will always be remembered. My heart melts when I remember back to the moment Timmy looked for me when I said "hey buddy, it's your daddy".

Though today is the National Day of Remembering our little ones, let it not be the only day we pull together to help each other out and pray for one another.

Above all things, remember that the Lord is in control of everything.

Dad

A day of Remembrance

2008-10-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

Today is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death.

Please join me in prayer today as we remember our little children that have blessed our lives for such a short time. If you would like a short list of families to pray for today please visit this site. Angie has been kind enough to open her blog for all families that have lost a child at any age to post a comment. Right now the list numbers 959 families. I'm certain it is going to continue to grow. Let's join together and storm the gates with prayer today...

Fall Fun

2008-10-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

Timothy's big brother's and sister are getting ready for the fall festival. Every year they get to dress up and eat lots of candy. Normally we go to our church for a big costume party with lots of candy, but this year we are thinking about going to a local camp to celebrate.

Emma has decided that she doesn't want to be anything girlie. So, no princess dress or tierra. She is going to be a pastry chef. She has the big hat and an apron. She looks very cute and is happy as can be.

Austin and Kadin are thrilled this year because they get to dress up and fight crime together. Austin is going to be Dash and Kadin is going to be Jack-Jack from the Incredibles. They are going to look like real superhero brothers!

The Kidos really wanted to celebrate with their little brother. So last week we bought some teddy bears that are all dressed up and took them to Timothy.

We are waiting for his official marker to be done. It should be complete in about 1 month...

Letter from Timothy

2008-10-09T15:19:00.000-07:00

To my Family,

I know it must be hard not to have me there, but I can tell you with all my heart that God’s glory is all around me. His Hands are warm and fill me with peace and joy. I have many wonderful friends to play with. I thanked God for answering my prayers to meet and spend time with you, but I am happy to be home.

Austin, thank you for protecting me and teaching me how to fight. Emma, I will always cherish your hugs and many…many kisses. Thank you Kadin for letting me sit with you and not squishing me; you have quite the squeeze. God blessed me with the most wonderful brother’s and sister.

Finally, thank you mom and dad for taking such good care of me. Mom, the warmth in your touch will always be with me, and dad your stern tenderness will always be remembered. I know that you both miss me dearly, and will carry me around in your hearts forever. Please don’t worry about me… I am singing with God.

I love and miss you all,

Timothy

The above letter was written by us to be placed in his memory book and memorial program. I wanted to share it with those of you that weren't able to come to his services.

Lincoln

2008-10-06T00:02:00.000-07:00

I am not a huge music fan. That is probably why my wonderful husband (who is a huge music fan) didn't tell me that Lincoln Brewster was going to have a concert at our church tonight. Then a couple of friends told me that they had an extra ticket and asked if I wanted to join them. I can't tell you why, but I felt led to go.

Joel Auge opened for Lincoln. He asked us all a question. Would you be flabbergasted if God asked you to step out on the water? How would it feel to take that step and feel the cold water holding you up? Then he sang his new song "On the Blue".

I feel like God has already asked me to step out on the water. I already know what it feels like to feel the "water" hold me up. My entire life I wondered what it would be like to have God talk to me. I mean talk to me. When I ask him a question and I feel the answer in my heart. I have been blessed to have experienced this in my life. It has been very difficult to take those steps and learn this new type of trust. But Timothy was worth every step.

Lincoln Brewster is amazing. He is energetic and gifted. He has a passion for the Lord, his wife and his children. The concert was wonderful. Beautiful flashing lights and music so loud that you could feel it.

His final encore brought me to tears. Everlasting God.

When we were on the way to the hospital to deliver Timothy I was having a very difficult time. I was up most of the night, spent the morning vomiting, and felt like I couldn't breath after I got in the car. The song "Everlasting God" came on the radio and that was all I heard for the rest of the day. "Strength will rise as you wait upon the Lord..." "Strength will rise as you wait upon the Lord..."

Since that day I have received strength from that song more times then I can count. I love to turn the volume up and feel the music. It was amazing to hear it live. I'm pretty sure that I was the only person in the entire audience that began crying when the music began. I know that God used the opportunity to talk to me, to remind me that He is the everlasting God and He will give me strength. I know that my grief is still young and I have many more difficult days ahead of me, but I also know that strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord. He has already given me proof that this statement is true.

If you have never heard this song I highly recommend checking it out. It is the third song on Timothy's play list. Turn the volume up as loud and you can!

Missing Timothy

2008-10-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

I went to church today and was thrilled to see and hold our newest addition. Little Lillian Joy was welcomed into this world 8 days ago by her loving mother, father, and 5 sisters! I loved holding her and looking at her. She is perfect in every way. A full head of dark hair, a little button nose and a couple cute dimples.

As I gave her back to her mom I began to miss my son. I am proud to be Timothy's mommy. I'm sad that I didn't have the opportunity to bring him to church and introduce him to all of our friends. I miss all of my mommy moments with him. I miss the feeling of pride that I would have had when a stranger noticed his beautiful bright blue eyes. I miss having the opportunity to smile when a mother tells me that I am crazy to have 4 children! I miss so many different things but most of all I just miss him...

Thank you Kari for sharing you daughter with me (she really is wonderful!). Thanks for letting me cuddle her and share in your joy. If you would like to see more pictures of Lillian click Here

the little things

2008-10-02T13:52:00.001-07:00

Little thing that have helped me the most...

chocolate
memories
cards
friends
husband
sleep
family
emails
my children
pictures
babies
ice cream
showers
prayers
caffeine
applebees
flowers
skittles
blogging
hugs
cartoons
giggles
tears

2 months

2008-09-29T13:22:00.001-07:00

I don't know where to begin. My life has been very different lately. I find myself filled with joy at one moment then sorrow or frustration a split second later. At the beginning of this journey I made the decision to make this blog "real" but (at the same time) not write things that might hurt those around me. This week I have had some inner struggles with anger and frustration (mostly with God). Since I don't want to say anything that might be hurtful to anyone (including God) I will keep those thoughts private. But as soon as I am able to begin to understand my anger more I might try to share more about this stage of my grief.

My grief was definitely compounded by the loss of Dan. We spent the day Saturday at his memorial service. It was a wonderful service that lasted 3 hours. He was loved many. About 400 friends and family members came to spend this time together and celebrate his life. It was extremely hard to be there. I couldn't stay seated. It was good that we choose to sit at the back because I was up and down the entire time. It was exactly 8 weeks since Timothy's memorial service and stirred up a lot of emotion for me.

If you knew Dan and would like to sign his on line guest book click here. To see the wonderful slide show of Dan's life click here.

Sunday was 2 months since Timothy came into our lives. We miss him so much! Our friends and family have done a wonderful job surrounding us and helping us remember and celebrate these milestones. We were given chocolate, cards and flowers. Since our weekend was filled with activity we weren't able to visit Timothy yet. We are going to go spend some time with him this evening.

I guess that I should say that we weren't able to visit Timothy at Hillcrest this weekend. Austin and Emma decided to make a place here at home that we can visit him anytime we want (at least until it rained).

See Austin's drawing. Timothy in his box with the ground above him... then the grass ... then the marker on top. He did such a great job. Emma's gave Timothy big eyes, two legs, hair and a huge smile!

the hammer and ice

2008-09-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever told you what a wonderful feeling you can get from taking a hammer to a freezer full of ice? What an awesome way to release some pent up anger and frustration! That is what I spend my evening doing today. Taking that hammer (are you supposed to use a hammer to defrost a freezer?!) to the 3 inches of ice that has accumulated over the last several years was one of the most satisfying feeling I have felt in a LONG time!!

update

2008-09-18T22:18:00.001-07:00

I have just returned home from spending several hours at the hospital. I was thankful to be allowed to see and spend some time with Dan as well as give hugs and share tears with his family and friends. After extensive testing the doctors have come to the conclusion that Dan has lost all brain function. His parents have made the brave decision to allow Dan to give life to others and the transplant team has been called. They plan to spend the next day or so loving and spending time with Dan before they take him to surgery.

Please continue to pray. Pray for all of the wonderful families that will be blessed with new life... that their surgeries will go well. Pray for Dan's family and friends. He has a loving Mother, Father, two brothers and their wives, three nieces, two nephews, and numerous friends.

Update for Daniel

2008-09-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your continued prayer for our dear friend, Daniel. Right now he is in the NURO ICU at Harborview Medical Center. At this time he is stable and has many friends and family members at his side. However, he is not expected to recover and Doctors are saying he will be meeting his Lord and Savior soon.

Prayer

2008-09-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

My hands are shaking...

A very dear family friend has been in an accident and has a severe brain injury. At this time details are unclear but my understanding it that decisions are going to be made today about discontinuing life support for him. Please hold this family up in prayer. Pray that God will guide their decisions and that, God willing, Daniel will have a full recovery. I will post an update as soon as we know more.

What do you do

2008-09-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your husband is in a different stage of grief then you. When he has different needs, desires and feelings. What can you do to keep him the important person in your life when you feel like there is little understanding. When you want to scream and yell and cry and cling in the same moment. When you are desperate to understand each other but lack the ability because all you see is your own grief. What do you do when your grief clouds your ability to understand your own husband?

You go for a drive and turn the music up as loud as you can. You get on your knees in prayer and ask God to give you a level of understanding. You sit quietly together and choose your words wisely. You leave a conversation unfinished for several days as you wait for the right words to express yourself. You realize that some things are beyond your control and forgive each other when lines are crossed. You tell him that you love him and that he is and always will be the most important person in your life.

Then, you go to your friends and tell then how hard this is and ask for them to lift your family up in prayer as you continue to grow and become the family God desires you to be.

wish...

2008-09-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

This afternoon we were enjoying a quiet moment in our back yard when Austin picked a wish berry blossom. He held it out to me and asked me to make a wish. My wish was instant...I want Timothy back! I couldn't believe how fast that thought came into my head. Luckily I didn't say it out loud and Austin went on to wish for a new transformer. Just seconds later Emma scooped up another wish berry blossom. I was very surprised by her wish, she didn't wish for a new toy or game. "I wish Timothy was with us..."

Just another "normal" day in the Currey household.

The Network

2008-09-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

I have become part of a a very special network of women that welcomes all new comers with tears in their eyes. Moms that have lost their children. We are almost a secret society that most people don't even know exist until they have a sudden loss.

We don't always know what to say to each other and we can't take the pain away but we try to support each other. We listen with an ear of understanding. I know 3 women personally that have traveled this road before me. It is wonderful how they can support me so easily. One of those special mom's will look at me from across the room and we have a moment of understanding. It only takes a split second and I realize that I'm not alone. She knows how hard this is and even though I have a smile on my face, there is so much more in my heart.

I am also getting to know several other moms and one dad through their wonderful blog's. I feel like I have become friends with them. I have a level of understanding for their emotional roller coaster ride. I am able to gain some comfort in knowing that I am not alone and I am normal. There are times that I don't even know if what I'm feeling is normal then one of them will post something on their blog and I will think, "yes! I feel that way as well!".

I met another mother a couple of days ago. She lost her daughter about 6 weeks before I lost Timothy. Because of complications during labor she was not able to bring her lovely baby home. As we were together I realized that I have no idea what to say to her. You would think that since we are walking this road together that I would know all the right things to say, but I don't. I understand that everyone travels this road differently. Emotions vary widely and they can change quickly. Some people want to talk about it and some don't.

I realize that this must be how it feel to be around me. People don't want to make me sad or upset and they don't know what to say or how to act when they are around me. I would like to share some thoughts that might make being around me a little easier.

First, I love to talk about Timothy. I love to share my special moments and treasured memories. I like to compare birth stories and discuss the little things like his weight and his cute little squeaks.

I love to hear how he has impacted your life. Since I won't get to see him grow up and watch him have an impact in this world it is a nice way for me to feel that his life has meaning. Of course I already know how special he is and what a wonderful impact he has made in my heart!

I like knowing that he is not forgotten. even a quick little mention of him in a conversation will allow me know that he is remembered and cherished.

I don't always like to talk about my emotions. His life and his death are very different to me. I find joy in his life but sorrow in his death. Most of the time, I like to try to focus on his life and only go deep into the pit when I am by myself, with my husband or very close friends.

I don't mind if someone asks me if I want a hug or if I want to talk about Timothy. There are times that I will gladly share and times that I will honestly decline. I always feel loved in those moments.

It is easier for me if people try not to make statements about Timothy's life. I would rather have them ask a question instead. An example: "You must be happy to have had time with him," is an okay thing to say to me but I would prefer "Are you happy with the time that you had with him?". It allows me to be more honest about how I'm feeling. It gives me power to say "Yes, I am thankful that I had time with him but it wasn't enough!! " I know that I should be grateful for the time I was given but there are times that I'm NOT...I wanted more!

I don't want anyone to be afraid to be around me. Normally I am not easily upset and I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I love that everyone has been so wonderful, kind, caring, and supportive.

-I would love to hear if Timothy has had an impact on your life. If he has, or if you have spent time in prayer for him, I would love to have you post a quick comment on this post. It would mean so much to us...

No more simple answers...

2008-09-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

A question that comes up at any given time on any given day. A question that you can use to get to know someone or just make small talk. A simple question. A question that might come from anyone... a stranger, a new neighbor, or an old friend. A question that I have always loved. Is now a question that I have no idea how to answer.

Can you guess what it is??

How many children do you have?

How do I begin to answer that question?? I get a pit in my stomach and my heart begins to race. I feel like I have just been put to the test. I normally pause for a second and take a deep breath while I try to determine the best answer at that particular moment.

I know that I haven't figured out the right answer yet. I'm still learning. I do have a goal when I answer but am not sure how to accomplish it. I want to include Timothy in our family and at the same time, I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

If I tell someone that I have 4 children but one died shortly after birth they don't know how to respond. Normally they quietly say "Oh...I'm sorry..." and the conversation quickly ends or changes subjects.

At times it has felt inappropriate to include Timothy and I have said that I have 3 children. I then walk away with a tremendous amount of guilt. Did I really just pretend that Timothy wasn't one of my special children??

Please pray that God will whisper words of wisdom in the coming months as I learn how to be the mother of 4 children with one in heaven.

Love

2008-08-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Before we were told that Timothy had Edwards syndrome, a friend was struggling and found strength in this verse. I will never forget our discussion that day. Through her pain, she found comfort in Gods plan. I was touched by her ability to trust God without understanding what his plan involved. At that time, this verse became dear to my heart. I didn't know that a short 10 weeks later I would be clinging to those words. I would roll those words around in my head over and over. Trust in the Lord...lean not on your own understanding...

I have been told by many people that I am a strong person to be able to be able to get through this time in my life. Each time I have heard that I think, "What choice do I have?". God didn't ask me if I wanted to go through a high risk (and scary) pregnancy just to hold my newborn baby for a couple of hours then watch as they buried him the the ground. If he had given me the choice I would have quickly said "no, thank you"...well, to be honest I would have yelled "NO WAY!!!" But now that I have met Timothy, I'm so very thankful that God didn't give me a choice. Instead he gave me a blessing. I have a brand new understanding for the word "Love" and I have a very different relationship with God.

I really wish that I could tell you that I have always had a wonderful and perfect relationship with my Savior. Unfortunately that would be a lie. I have often struggled. I have never read the bible cover to cover. I haven't spent my life diving into bible studies. Verse memorization has always been very difficult and I struggle with understanding the Word even in the simplest translations. I am not a scholar and often times I listen to my friends and their understanding of the bible with a sense of awe. I have always wanted to have the knowledge to have a religious debate or witness to someone in need but never felt like I was good enough.

As much as I struggled with my "book smarts" I have a true and genuine love for God. I have relied on him and trusted him to guide me when I was lost or help me when I was broken. He has been a constant in my life since I was a very small child. I vividly remember the day my name was written in His book. I was 6 years old and at vacation bible school. I came home and excitedly shared my joyful news with my mom, "God is in my heart!!"

Through out my life I have known many types of love. Love first entered my life when God chose my wonderful mom and dad. They always made me feel safe and secure. They cared for me and taught me how to stand on my own. They gave me a sister and brother that taught me about the ups and downs of sibling love. Our relationships have grown to be very important to me.

As I became a young woman God lead me to my wonderful husband, Kevin. He gave me unconditional love. I learned how to love my husband through my anger and my frustration, during the happiest days of my life and the darkest. He completed me. He's my lobster. (okay... that only makes sense to a few close friends, but they totally understand!)

After 4 years of marriage, I was blessed to learn about the love a mother feels for her children. A love that begins at conception and never ends. The moment I met my first son, Austin, I was simply amazed. I looked into the face of my little baby and felt a love that knows no bounds. I watched him grow and enjoyed every moment with him. I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly love anyone as much as I love my son. When my sweet Emma came into my life I was amazed as I felt my heart grow. This is when I learned I was able to love all of my children with the same level of depth. What a wonderful realization! Now I was really ready for more and we were thrilled when Kadin joined our family.

I have been blessed to know the love and support of true friendship. The love of a friend is priceless, timeless and doesn't know distance. I have learned to lean on these friends when I need them most and accept their support without feeling any guilt. We can give each other complete honesty and know that the love we feel for each other will never change. I love my wonderful pumpkin patch crew and would like to thank you for all of your cards, phone calls, emails, girls nights and prayers.

Through out the years I have known God's constant love. Sometimes he was so close that I could feel his arms around me and there were days that he felt distant. He has spent time teaching me, guiding me, and leading me. He was also preparing me to learn a new lesson about love. He gave me a wonderful gift that included a very new kind of love. A special love that not everyone has the opportunity to experience. He gave me Timothy.

One month ago today, I met my tiny son, and knew that I loved him so much that I had to let him go. Yes, it felt like I was giving up my heart and I was filled with pain and sorrow. But I was also filled with peace. I wanted my son to have the best life possible. I wanted him to have joy, happiness and peace. When I looked into his eyes I knew that he was destined for greater things. I knew that I couldn't make him better or take his struggles away from him. With all the love that I had for him, he needed more then I could give him. God asked me to trust him with my son's life. To let Timothy go to the Lord peacefully.

I made a choice to give Timothy's life to God. You might remember that used to say "What choice do I have?" I didn't have the power to save Timothy, or make him healthy, but I had the power to... trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I made the choice to trust God with Timothy's life. I know that he is singing with God and he knows more love then I have felt in my entire life. A love that God is saving to share with us when we have been blessed to enter His kingdom.

One month ago today my life changed. I will never be the same. I have a very different relationship with God now. I am able to trust him differently and I have a better understanding of his love and protection. I have no regrets and wouldn't choose to change anything in the last 7 months. I have grown spiritually and emotionally. If God came to me and asked me to do it all over again I would choose to trust in His plan and rely on Him to provide comfort, joy, peace, and love throughout times of trial.

Broken

2008-08-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have had quite a few people tell me that it is difficult to open my blog with the music on, I happen to agree. To be honest I normally have the music off when I open my own blog. Sometimes it is difficult to know that God is "Holding" me right now. There are times that I don't feel like God is holding me at all. The pain runs so deep.

I'm broken right now. This can't be fixed. We can't get Timothy back. We can't pray for sudden healing or a miracle. Timothy is gone. I can't even say that God didn't hear our prayers because we never prayed for Timothy to be "miraculously cured", we prayed that he would be at peace, without pain, and feel loved. God listened to our prayers and Timothy had a wonderful, although short, life. But with that comes guilt. Should we have prayed for a miracle? Would he still be with us? What if we had asked for more time? Could we have brought him home?

I have a lot of people that ask me how I'm doing. My answer is always the same..."Alright". How do you explain to someone what broken feels like? How can you put words to an emotion that runs so deep that words can't even begin to describe or capture the depth of what you feel in your heart.

Kevin has been back to work for 2 weeks now and I miss him so much. He is my comfort. He is the only person that can truly understand what I am going through because he is is walking this road with me. I love to see his car drive up each evening and feel him arms around me. He has been a wonderful support for me. We spend time every day talking and connecting. Sometimes we just sit together. He is Timothy's daddy, he loves and misses him as much as I do.

I read this yesterday and thought that the author must have known grief.

A little girl lost a playmate in death and one day reported to her family that she had gone to comfort her sorrowing mother. "What did you say?" asked her father. "Nothing," she replied, "I just climbed up on her lap and cried with her."

Charles Swindoll

Holding on

2008-08-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

I am trying desperately to hold on...

I'm trying desperately to hold on to Timothy. I want to hold on to the time I had with him, so I won't forget a single second of his time with me. I want to remember the emotions that I have right now; forever. I'm afraid that as time goes by I will start to feel better and I don't want to feel better or different. I need to remember the love that I feel for Timothy and the joy I had when I held him in my arms as well as the pain and sorrow I had when I had to let him go and say good bye.

I'm trying to hold on to some control in my life. I feel powerless right now. I have begun to realize that I have no real control over my life. I don't get to decide those things that I thought I could control. Now I realize that God controls my life. I am only able to make decisions about the path that he chooses for me. In some ways that is comforting for me. I know that he has my best interests in mind when he makes decisions about my life. But I also find it so frustrating. So... I clean. I have never been a wonderful housekeeper. Now, I can't seem to stop cleaning. It feel like the dirt in my life is the only thing that I can control right now.

I'm trying to hold on to my emotions. I never know when a wave will hit me. Will it hit me when I'm shopping in Walmart? Or when I'm driving down the street or as I'm visiting with a neighbor? Of course, it's really hard when I see a mother nursing her new baby. I have to work hard to stay strong in these moments and keep my emotions under control.

My children are trying to hold as well. They each have their own different and unique way of trying to keep Timothy in their lives. Austin has started collecting all the pictures he can and lining them up on his dresser (we had about 20 pictures framed for his memorial service). He talks about how cute Timothy is and which pictures are his favorites.

We have a little statue that we were planning on placing in our "Timothy Garden". Emma thinks of him as real and has named him Timothy. She carries baby Timothy everywhere. She takes him to bed with her and cuddles him on the couch. She talks to him like he is real and loves to play with him. I think that he will be in the house for quite a while.

Kadin has latched on to his mommy and daddy. He needs one or both of us to be next to him at all times. Kevin left yesterday morning for about 30 minutes and he cried for Daddy the entire time he was gone.

This week has come with it's ups and downs; sometimes in the same moment. On Wednesday I went to get the mail. There as a large envelope from the funeral home. I knew instantly what was in the envelope. I began to cry. It came. We received Timothy's death certificate before we received his birth certificate. In the same instant I received 5 cards from my closest friends. They were all out of town for the entire week (yes, I said ALL of them were out of town). But God knew I needed their support in that special moment and they were all with me when I opened that large envelope.

Slide show

2008-08-14T23:08:00.000-07:00

I am thrilled to share our favorite pictures of Timothy with you. I know that most of you have have been anxiously waiting to see the "little man" you have spent so much time praying for in the last few months. Thank you for your prayers...God heard them all and he truly blessed us.

Sorry that the slide show is a little long. I did narrow the pictures down but there were so many I just couldn't leave out (103 to be exact)!!

Our Time with Timothy

2008-08-12T23:58:00.000-07:00

It has taken me 2 weeks to compete this entry. With tears of joy and tears of sorrow, I would like to share Timothy's birthday with everyone...

July 28, 2008 3:55 pm. A glorious day that will be etched in my memory forever. It began with me arriving at the hospital in tears telling my nurse, Sarah, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this..."

Sarah was kind and reassuring. We sat on the couch together and discussed our birth plan and desires for the day. She heard my fears and took time to get to know us and Timothy. Before we started the induction she held our hands and prayed with us. She prayed for Gods strength and courage.

I was still a having a very difficult time. It was very scary to walk into the hospital knowing that I only had hours left in my pregnancy with Timothy. Normally, we go to the hospital excited to deliver our children. This was so different. We had no idea what was going to happen. The unknown was more difficult then words can express. Would we listen to our son's heart stop during labor and deliver him without ever knowing the color of his eyes? Would he live for one minute, hours, weeks or months? What would it be like to watch Timothy take his last breath? I couldn't cope with the unknown and fear consumed me.

Our original plan was to have a private birth with only Kevin and our photographer, Patty, in our room. We realized that I needed Karen with me. I needed the support that only a very close friend could give. Kevin called her and asked if she would be willing to come to the hospital early and be with us. Since she already had child care lined up, she was able to come to the hospital right away. Just knowing she was on her way helped me to focus.

Sarah started the pitocin at about 9:00 am and we were on our way to our first moments with Timothy. With the help of God and prayer I began to calm down and relax. Kevin's comedic nature and and Karen's quiet reassurance helped me tremendously. My fears began to melt away and be replaced with the discomfort of contractions every couple of minutes.

God also chose a wonderful nurse for us. He hand picked her for us. He knew that we would need her with us on this special day. Sarah hardly left our room. She kept us informed about everything that was going on with Timothy and allowed us to make decisions about our care. We were able to connect with her on a personal level with common friends and common interests. She is friends with my childhood best friend, Kelly, and her husband went to the same high school as Kevin. She also attends a church a couple miles from our house (which happens to be where Austin went to preschool). We had a lot to talk about and even laugh about.

We had an unexpected surprise when the Neonatologist came to visit us. Since we already made the choice to do comfort care for Timothy, we weren't expecting to have a Neonatologist with us when he was born. I was so happy when she came in and told us that she would be present for his birth. It didn't change our birth plan, but we were able to discuss Timothy's many medical problems and make some decisions about how we would support him if he was able to make it through labor and delivery. She was also very upfront with us about his prognosis and she felt that he would only live for a couple of hours, maybe a day or two.

Though my contractions were mild, Timothy quickly began having decelerations. We knew that labor would be difficult on him and we were glad to see him recovering well after each contraction. Dr Shope came in at about 10:00 to rupture my membranes. That was the funniest part of the entire day. I had polyhydramnios (excessive fluid). Without giving too much information, it was like a river overflowed! We were all laughing and giggling...even Dr Shope and Sarah said that they have never seen anything like it!!

The moment of joy was quickly turned to worry shortly after being ruptured. As I continued to contract, his heart rate began to rapidly decrease. Within a few minutes, it was in the 90's with decelerations into the 60's. Prior to rupture his heart rate was in the 140's, so it wasn't looking good. We tried different positions hoping that we might decrease his stress level but nothing was working. Kevin and I had already made the decision not to have an emergency c-section (someday, when I am ready I might share our birth plan). So we decided to wait and pray. Luckily it didn't take too long for him to adjust to the lack of fluid and his heart rate began to increase. Within about 30 minutes it was back up to the 140's, although, he did continue having decelerations with the contractions.

We were thrilled to see him doing better and decided to check for progression. Sarah did an exam that showed we were still 3-4cm, but she also noticed I was having problems with bleeding. After watching it for a while she decided to call Dr Shope (she was worried because the bleeding was more then normal). He told us that it looked like we had a partial abruption (the placenta begins to detach from the uterus prematurely), causing moderate amounts of bleeding. I was very worried with this diagnosis knowing that it could lead to a complete abruption which would instantly take Timothy's life as well as cause complications for me. Again we waited and prayed.

At about 11:00 my contractions were starting to get a little more painful and I decided to request the epidural. It turned out to be a good thing that I wasn't in extreme pain because the anesthesiologist wasn't able to come until about 12:15. I highly recommend the epidural. After having Kadin without one...I highly, highly recommend getting one.

At one point (I couldn't tell you when) we had another scary moment. We were all sitting around talking and waiting when all of the sudden I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like there was fluid in my lungs and I was trying to cough it out but couldn't because of the epidural. I began to feel like I was going to pass out and the room went dark. I don't remember much... the nurses started pushing the fluids, putting oxygen on me, talking about a blood pressure drop, and calling anaesthesia. Kevin tells me that my blood pressure dropped form 120/70's to 80/40's. Sarah gave me effedrine to bring my blood pressure back up. Luckily it didn't take too long for me to start feeling better.

I was relieved to feel (almost) normal again. Roughly 45 minutes later I began to feel the smallest amount of pressure. I asked Sarah to do another exam and was shocked to hear her say that we were complete and ready to have Timothy. The room became a buzz. Dr Shope came within a couple of minutes, as well as the neonatologist and neonatal nurse. Patty was standing by with her camera and Karen was ready with the video. Timothy was born in 2 easy pushes...

It felt like time stood still. They placed him on my chest and I was able to see him for the first time. I was thrilled and scared at the same time. We didn't know if he would take a first breath. I was inches away from him and couldn't see him breathing. The neonatologist kept listening to his heart and I asked "Is he breathing?" over and over. All I heard her say was that he had a heart rate. No one would answer if he was breathing. I kept talking to him, begging him to try to breath. Then I heard it. He took a gasping breath. The atmosphere in the room changed; everyone was so excited. I rubbed his little body and kept talking to him. They gave him some oxygen and he continued to improve.

He made little squeaking noises, began slowly blinking his eyes, and looking around. Kevin was standing over us talking to Timothy and he would open his eyes and look for his daddy. He was so small and precious. To finally see and hold our new son was an answer to prayer and a true blessing. I wish words could capture how it felt to see and hold Timothy. All I can say it that it was wonderful, glorious, awesome, powerful, and amazing (and that doesn't even fully describe it).

We wanted his brothers and sister to have as much time with him as possible so we asked them to get him cleaned up and get the room ready for visitors. Timothy loved the heat of the warming table and continued to improve. Kevin stood over him like a proud daddy, and was especially thrilled when he went potty all over the Dr! They weighed and measured him. 4 pounds 12.9 ounces and 16 1/2 inches long!! WOW. Within a couple of minutes we were ready for Austin, Emma and Kadin to come and meet Timothy.

They were all thrilled to see Timothy. They had been waiting so many months for this moment and looked at him with love in their eyes.

Austin was so happy that you could see the radiance in his eyes. His smile took over his entire face. He was so protective with his new brother. He was quick to tell us how to hold him and to protect his head and neck. Every time someone would move Timothy, Austin was standing there telling them to be careful and not to hurt him. He cradled Timothy's head in his hands and he loved looking in Timothy's eyes and studying his face.

All Emma wanted to do was to hold him. She followed him around the room from person to person. She would allow other people to hold him for a couple of minutes then she was quick to tell them that it was her turn again. She was so gentle and careful with Timothy. She was the happiest sister in the entire world. She prayed and begged God for those moments with Timothy. I'm so thankful that His answer was YES...

Kadin was a little nervous and confused about all of the commotion but he curled up on my lap to see is new brother. His eyes were big as saucers when he saw Timothy for the first time. He kept his little hands on Timothy's little body. He held his foot for a while then placed his hand on Timothy's tummy. He held his new little brother and looked at his little face and loved him.

Aunt Janelle, Grandma, and Grandpa Myers came in to hold and see Timothy. They knew that this was going to be the only time that they were going to get to be with Timothy and it was very difficult for them to say hello and goodbye in the same moment. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Desiree were also there to spend some time with their newest nephew. They all were able to have a few treasured moments with him. After being held by everyone it was apparent that Timothy was getting tired and overstimulated.

Our family decided it was time to head out to give Timothy some quite time. Kevin was thrilled to have the opportunity to give Timothy a small bath. Since he was already a little overstimulated we decided not to undress him for a full bath. Kevin washed his hair and face in the sink. It was wonderful to watch him gently hold Timothy and quietly talk to him and he washed him. He was so gentle and loving.

Then everyone left and we were finally alone with our son. The room was quiet and peaceful for the first time all day. No nurses or doctors... just Kevin, Timothy, and me. I cherish those moments alone with my husband and our son. We placed him on my chest for skin to skin contact and used warm blankets for additional heat. We looked into his eyes and watched him take his first and only nap. Amazingly, of the 2 hours and 50 minutes he was with us, he was awake most of the time. It was wonderful to watch him sleep. Kevin and I had a a little while longer with him before it was time for him to say goodbye. At 6:45 pm he peacefully gained his wings.

We were able to spend several more hours with him before we had to let him go. I don't think I will ever be able to share those moments. All I can say is that it felt like I was giving up my heart. It is a moment that I hope no one will ever have to feel or experience.

For 2 hours and 50 minutes our sweet Timothy was in our arms. He will be in our hearts forever.

15 days

2008-08-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

Kevin went back to work yesterday. I want to attempt to explain how I'm doing but I hesitate because I don't fully understand my own emotions yet.

For the last 15 days I have been trying to keep myself busy. The first week I was only able to get about 4 hours of sleep every night because I didn't want to be in bed. I would wait until about 2:00 in the morning, so when my head hit the pillow I would instantly go to sleep. Then I would wake up and get out of bed between 6:00 and 7:00, and get in the shower right away so I wouldn't have to think about what was happening. My showers were short because that is another difficult time for me. I spent my days and nights planing and thinking about things we could do to make Timothy's services special.

Then we went away and I spent my time being strong for my children. Again, I kept myself busy and if I would start thinking about everything, I would try to find something to do to keep myself going.

Now I am home and Kevin has gone back to work. I'm still trying to keep my self busy. I'm doing odd things that I never would have done before. I shampooed Emma's mattress today because she threw up on it a couple of days ago. I wander around the house looking for things that need to be done but at the same time I don't want to change anything. I want everything to stay the same as it was when we were pregnant with Timothy. When I get tired of wandering around the house I pack up the kids and go shopping. I am buying things that I wouldn't normally buy which means that I'm spending too much money.

I find myself on the computer, still trying to do things for Timothy. We have to design his grave marker, update the blog, and finish filling out his memorial book. I'm anxious to start his memory scrap book, so I have spent hours looking for the perfect digital scrap booking supplies on line. I am trying to get his medical records, put him on our insurance, and finish his hand and foot molds. I spend hours looking at his pictures, his guest book, reading all of the wonderful cards and emails (over and over), and just holding and touching the blanket he was wrapped in and the clothes he wore at the hospital.

I feel like if I continue doing things for him or touching his stuff I will be able to keep him alive like he was 15 days ago. I don't feel like any of this is real. It all happened so fast I wonder if it really happened at all. I don't want these tasks to end because I feel like as soon as they are over his life will really be gone.

I am not crying and mourning as much as I thought I would. I know that part of that is because a part of me feels relief. After spending so many weeks feeling nothing but fear and anxiety it is nice not to be consumed with worry. Another part of me is so happy that we were able to spend time with Timothy that I want to continue to focus on that feeling. I wonder if this is what denial feels like. I have been reading on the Trisomy 18 website and found that I'm feeling and doing the same things that the other mothers do. I aslo found out that the shock, denial, and disbelief goes away some where in the 4-8 week time period and I will start to have a new set of emotions...

Home again

2008-08-10T21:33:00.001-07:00

We are finally home after 6 days at Grand Coulee Dam in Eastern Washington. Since we didn't have a computer, phone, or television (except for DVDs) it was a time of true connection with our children and each other. We spent so much time together that the kids are probably going to have withdrawal symptoms tomorrow as Kevin goes back to work. Okay... to be honest I will too!!!

I am so proud to share that Emma is now riding her bike without training wheels!! She learned quickly and took off on her first try. It is a little scary watching her because she doesn't have a fearful bone in her little body and she rides as fast as she can. So far she hasn't had any injuries, but there are moments when my heart skips a few beats watching her.

The weather was wonderful and we spent several hours every day at the lake playing together in the water and making sandcastles (I didn't know it but Kevin is awesome at making sandcastles). Austin is so outgoing that he quickly made friends and had endless fun with everyone on the beach. By the end of the week Kadin had lost his fear of the water and would walk out as far as he could so he could play and splash with his brother and sister. Unfortunately, he is not well balanced and fell in several times and needed to be rescued (we were never more then a couple of steps away from him).

My Dad, Mom, and sister joined us for some boating fun on Friday and we were able to enjoy rain, thunder and lightning in the morning until it cleared up in the afternoon. Our children love the boat. They enjoy the wind in their face and helping papa drive, but I think that they really love riding with out car seats! It was nice to have them with us for a couple of days.

We ended the vacation by taking the kids on a tour of the Dam. I haven't been on the tour since I was a child and Kevin has never gone. It was an amazing tour and a great way to end our family trip.

My goal was for our children to have a great, worry free week. I am happy to say that they did! Anyone that was watching us would have thought that we were on a normal family vacation. I wish that we were...

I don't think I will be able to clearly describe how I felt while we were gone. It felt like it should feel normal. I still have our 3 children, and life with them is the same that it always is. But in my heart, life is not normal. It is a very odd feeling to have. I never nursed Timothy, never bathed him, or put him to bed; but I missed him. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown almost every waking moment.

There were times that tears would begin to well up in my eyes and then I would look up and see Kevin's watchful, worried eyes following me. He would give me strength to get through the moment and I would focus on playing with Austin, Emma, and Kadin. I'm not saying that I didn't feel like I could cry for Timothy (because I do), but I really wanted to give our children a week with out worrying about me. Austin is very sensitive and he would occasionally look at me and ask me why my face looked so sad. Was it because I missed Timothy? Emma also had a hard time, especially when she would see a new baby, and she would tell us how much she missed Timothy. We talked about Timothy a lot and brought a picture of him with us. We talked about how special he is, how wonderful it was to see him and hold him, and how much we all miss him.

I'm thankful that we were able to get away. It didn't make the pain go away but it gave us the opportunity to focus on spending time together and start learning how to cope with the loss of our precious son and brother.

We are off...

2008-08-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

I would like to give everyone a large thank you and huge hug. We have been overwhelmed with support these last few days. We are going on a family trip for this week to rest and spend time with our children. They need some undivided Mom and Dad time after the busy week of babysitters while we were making plans for Timothy's burial and memorial services.

I know that you would like to hear more about Timothy's birthday and I have been working hard trying to write my memories of that day. It has been an emotional journal to write but I plan to post about Timothy's time with us when we return next week.

Thanks again for your love and support during these last few months and especially these last few days.

Proverbs

2008-08-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 14:6

Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief...

We went to visit Timothy and take him some flowers this afternoon. It was our first visit and the kids were excited to go. In the midst of our grief, God gave us joy. When we got there, baby land was being watered by large sprinklers. Austin and Emma still wanted to share their gifts so we let them. It was funny watching them run to his grave, put their plants down, then run back as quickly as possible. Then they decided that they would try to protect him from the sprinkler and stood guard for a few minutes. It almost felt like they were playing with Timothy for the first time.

As we drove away I felt so much emotion. I was happy that their first visit was a fun one and they can't wait to go back, but I also felt sad that our children have to go to the cemetery to play with their little brother.

Dreams

2008-07-31T08:38:00.001-07:00

While I slept last night I saw pictures of Timothy's precious face and heard his cute little squeeks. I could almost feel him. Durring the night my milk came in and I woke up with the urge to nurse him. My beauitful dream became a quick and real nightmare...

I sat in the shower, unable to cope with my emotion. Kevin came and sat quietly with me until the water ran cold.

Memorial Service

2008-07-29T17:43:00.000-07:00

Please join us in celebrating Timothy's life on Saturday, August 2nd at 11:00am. Memorial Service to be held at:

Faith Baptist Church
25636 - 140th Ave SE
Kent, Washington 98042
(253) 631-0990

A private burial will be held on Friday, August 1st at 11:00 am.

* In lieu of flowers, donations may be sent to:

Timothy James Currey Memorial Fund
BECU Account #358-137-2279

or

Make-a-Wish Foundation
Local Chapter Web site: www.northwestwishes.org
811 First Avenue, Suite 520
Seattle, WA 98104
Phone: (206) 623-5300

With Deepest Appreciation

2008-07-29T17:27:00.001-07:00

The Currey's have been overwhelmed and blessed by the outpour of encouraging words and faithful prayers. They have asked that I write on their behalf to express their deepest appreciation for your support during this time. In time they will be ready to communicate with you personally. Until then, they are so grateful for their dear family and friends who have walked along side of them during this journey.

Information regarding a Memorial Service in honor of Timothy will be posted soon.

~Karen

Our Angel Has His Wings

2008-07-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

After 2 hours and 50 minutes, little Timothy James went peacefully from his Mommy's arms into the arms of Jesus.

Please continue to pray for the Currey family as we celebrate his life and mourn the loss of their precious Timothy.

Little Blessing

2008-07-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

He's Here!! He's Here!!

2008-07-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

We are so thrilled to announce the arrival of Timothy James Currey! He was born at 3:55 pm (after only two pushes!) weighing 4 lbs 12.9 oz. and measuring 16-1/2" long. He has light brown hair and blue eyes. What a joy it was to watch him take his first breath. He is a little fighter, working hard to continue breathing and enjoying each moment with his family. He has already had the privilege of meeting his very proud brothers and sister, along with Grandma & Grandpa Myers and Auntie Janelle.

At the moment he is cuddled up on his Mommy's chest - one of the most tender and precious moments you can imagine. It was so incredible watching him open his eyes as he heard his Daddy's voice too! Two separate times when Kevin bent down to kiss him and talk with him, little Timothy opened his eyes as if he were looking to see his Daddy.

Kevin and Jennifer have shown unimaginable strength and courage through this process - the kind of strength only the Lord could give them. We praise God for the indescribable gift of meeting Timothy.

Karen

Lunchtime Update

2008-07-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

Jen just had her epidural, and things are progressing. Little slower then anticipated. Jen is doing well and is hanging in. I am so proud of her, her strength is definitely shining through.

Timothy seems to be holding up well. His heart rate is anywhere from 100/bpm to 140bpm. He has had some d-cell this morning, but he seems to be stabilizing for now.

When we have a chance, we will try to get an update posted. Thank you for all your prayers.

Kevin

Beginning of Induction

2008-07-28T09:18:00.000-07:00

Kevin just called from the hospital. They have just started the pitocin to begin labor. It was a long night and I am heading off to the hospital right now. I should be able to post updates throughout the day, as they brought their laptop with them and have internet access. Please continue praying for the Currey family today.

Karen

Sleeplessness

2008-07-28T04:06:00.000-07:00

3 hours until we leave...

I have spent a lot of time trying to sleep tonight. After going to bed at midnight, and tossing and turning most of the night I finally gave in and decided to come downstairs and eat that donut that has been calling my name (chocolate...what else??). I know that I have a long day a head of me and wish that I could sleep but I'm going to have to count on God to give me the strength to get through the day because sleep is evading me tonight...

Chuck E Cheese

2008-07-27T21:46:00.000-07:00

We took the kids to Chuck E Cheeses for an evening of fun and food before we go to the hospital in the morning. When we pulled up they were so excited. We had a wonderful time playing games, enjoying rides and gathering tickets. We had pizza and cotton candy for dinner. We even had the chance to meet Chuck E Cheese and get a family picture.

Power in Prayer

2008-07-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

We are getting very close to the end of our pregnancy. It is amazing that we have been able to keep Timothy with us this long. All pregnancy's must end, and I am excited and scared to tell you that we will be meeting Timothy within the next 6 days. We have scheduled an induction for July 28th, so unless Timothy decides to make an grand entrance earlier, we will be able to see him this coming Monday.

Physically we are ready. We have our bags packed, birth plan ready, and child care scheduled. I don't know if we are emotionally ready. I don't know if it is possible to be emotionally ready.

I know that there is power in prayer. If you feel led, please spend some time in prayer for Timothy this week.

I am concerned that Timothy might not make it until Monday. It would be so hard to have him pass just days before we are scheduled to have him.

It is one of my greatest desires to see Timothy while he is alive. I want to see him in Kevin's arms and have memories of our children holding and talking to him. Unfortunately the stress of labor is extremely difficult for these precious babies. Most of their little bodies can't endure and they are asleep when they are born.

A long time ago I started praying for Gods will...not mine. That is still my prayer, but I also have these desires to have some time with Timothy. Please pray that God will give Timothy strength and give us courage. Pray that our children will cope well during these next few difficult weeks and Kevin and I will continue to cling to each other.

A glorious day

2008-07-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

A glorious day...

I have been thinking about those words frequently lately. "The day you meet your son will be here before you know it. It will be a glorious day."

I have taken comfort in these words not just because they were written to me, but because of who they were written by.

I have emailed several times with another T18 mom in the last couple of months. Erin is a wonderful mother that lost her son, Tyler, at 33 weeks. She has lived through every emotion that I have felt. She has experienced the same feelings of love for Tyler that I feel for Timothy and has known the same feelings of helplessness.

A glorious day...

Erin remembers the day she met Tyler as a glorious day. She was never able to feel his breath, hear his cry, or see him open his eyes, but it was a glorious day.

I can't say that I fully understand yet but I am able to take comfort in those words.

Anonymous

2008-07-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

I have received feedback from some readers that they want to leave comments but do not want to start a google account. I love reading and receiving comments and have changed the settings to accommodate everyone. Now (if you want to) you can leave a comment under anonymous. I really hope that you will be willing to sign your name to your comment. I like knowing who is reading and commenting.

Calm

2008-07-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

I am 37 weeks and have been feeling calm for a little while now. Kevin frequently asks me how I'm doing. When I tell him that I'm doing alright, he always gives me that look. You know the look... the one that says "Are you really doing okay?"

I don't know why this sense of calmness has come over me. It might be because I'm feeling more prepared for any outcome. I decided it was time for me to give up trying to control the outcome and just accept Gods plan. I stopped doing internet research a little while ago and I think that has helped a lot. I feel ready to stop reading about other experiences and birth stories with T18 and just have our own experience.

This feeling of readiness might also be part of Gods ultimate plan for every pregnant woman. If you have ever been pregnant you know what I'm talking about. It's that moment when you feel like you can't continue the pregnancy for another day, then you look at the calender and realize that you have an entire month to go! It can be the little things that bother you the most. Like the ability (or rather the inability) to bend over... I find myself scooting around the house on my bum trying to pick up as many things as I can so I don't have to bend down so many times! You can't see your toes anymore and it is nearly impossible to tie your own shoes (thank goodness for flip flops!). But, there are also bigger things that begin to creep up on us. When you can't get comfortable in any position (I mean ANY position), stop being able to eat and sleep, and in my case, have a hard time driving because my tummy doesn't fit behind the wheel anymore. Of course it's also irritating that you can't seem to stop the frequent and urgent trips to the bathroom. The littlest chores become huge feats. Like taking the laundry upstairs or doing the dishes (because you can't reach the water coming out of the sink!) I could go on and on but I really should stop complaining...

For those of you that have never experienced the joyful event of pregnancy, don't let this deter you, just consider it your warning!

Summer Fun

2008-07-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Summer is finally here! It was beginning to feel like the rain and clouds would never go away but the sun has been out for about 2 weeks now. We have spent a lot of time enjoying the nice weather.

Last weekend we woke up on Sunday morning and checked the weather. It said it was going to be in the 90's. It was 8:00 in the morning and our house was already 80 degrees. We don't have air conditioning and quickly decided it would be perfect to go to Ocean Shores for the day. We packed up the car in about 45 minutes and hit the road. It is about a 2 1/2 hour drive and I can't even tell you how many times we heard "Are we there yet?". As we got closer the temperature began to drop and I quickly realized that I had forgotten to pack a very important thing...sweatshirts. We pulled up to the beach and the temperature was 58 degrees, cloudy and windy. A quick stop at the store to pick up sweatshirts then we were good to go. We spend the day playing in the sand, flying kites and enjoying the water.

The fun hasn't stopped. We have been enjoying a lot of water play this year. We turned our slide into a water slide and have had tons water fights with squirt guns and the hose. We have also spend time playing in Grandma and Grandpa's lake and taking rides in the paddle boat.

Life feels pretty normal around our house right now. We are trying hard to get some big project's done before Timothy is born. Today was fence day. Kevin spent the entire day cleaning and staining our fence. He is awesome. He worked all day in the hot sun only stopping twice. Once to eat lunch and once to eat dinner. He was done just in time to tell the kids goodnight. I am always amazed at his persistence.

God's timing and prepairation

2008-07-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

During these last few months I have had several conversations with friends and family about how God has spent so much time preparing me for our special child.

I would like to share this story with everyone.

It begins 14 years ago before I became a nurse. I began working at PICC (Pediatric Interim Care Center) with drug addicted infants. I learned how to care for babies that are in pain and have some very special needs. I loved helping these babies, and after I received my nursing license I chose to follow in this field by getting job at Mary Bridge Children's Hospital. Working at the hospital was a wonderful and emotional time in my life. I loved and bonded with some very sick children. These children were affected by many different problems. Some with cancer, cystic fibrosis, biliary atresia, as well as numerous other medical problems. I gained medical knowledge about how to care for children with long term illnesses, and as I was caring for these special kids, I watched and learned a lot about love and devotion from their families.

After working at "The Bridge" for nearly 3 years I went to the the funeral for a very special little girl, Grace. She was 4 years old and died after struggling with leukemia for about a year and a half. I was working the first day she was admitted and diagnosed, and I was there the day she died. She made a huge impact on my life and after she died I decided that I needed a change of pace.

I began my current job in OB/GYN. I love working with pregnant women. I love their joy when they get their first baby picture, hear the babies heart beat, and find out the gender. However, I quickly found out that not all pregnancy's have happy endings. I saw a different side of pregnancy. A side filled with reoccurring miscarriage, prenatal diagnosis, preterm delivery, and even infant loss. I walked with my patients through some very dark days.

Now that I look back I can see why God placed all of these events in my life. He was slowly preparing me.

God knew what I needed in my life right now. He gave me 3 busy little children to keep me on my toes and keep me living. He blessed me with a wonderful husband that loves me dearly. He put friends and family in our lives to support us. He gave me joy, laughter, and a messy house that needs constant attention.

Before Kevin and I choose to conceive Timothy, I believe that God spoke directly to my heart. I can only describe that feeling by telling you about a conversation I had with a friend.

About 4-6 weeks before we conceived I was talking to a friend about my fears of having another child. I told her that I believed I was going to have a child that was going to die. A child that has something like Downs Syndrome but fatal. We agreed that was an odd fear but Kevin and I should talk, pray, and follow Gods leading. Kevin was also having similar fears, but we both felt lead to have Timothy.

Some of you might wonder why we chose to have another child after such a real fear was placed on our hearts. I can honestly tell you that I wonder the same thing at times. I know that I love Timothy. I don't know how long he will be with us or who will be impacted by his life but I do know his life will be blessed with love.

A prayer for Timothy

2008-07-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Lord, you have blessed us
We know this is so
But the pain runs so deep
It's hard letting him go

He's so tiny, so precious
A blessing for sure
Wishing for a miracle
God's perfect cure

Instead we'll be thankful
For each tiny kick
For each special ultrasound
The clock's slow tick

With our eyes to the skies
We'll most certainly try
To give Timothy to God
Tender tears we will cry

Lord, please be with us
Comfort our soul
In our hearts is left
A special hole

We ask that you fill it
With something so grand
Only you have the power
With your compassionate hand

Please cradle our baby
Like only you can
Take care of Timothy
Till we can hold him again

Written in Love by,

Denise Earnhardt