February 29 will not happen again for another 3 years, but every time we skip it, and every time we celebrate it I will have a vivid memory. A memory of me sitting on my couch and looking at my caller ID, answering the phone, and feeling like my heart has just stopped.
If you have never heard the term FISH, you are blessed. If you have never received the results from the FISH test, you are blessed. If you have ever taken the call, received the results, heard the words... full Trisomy 18, you will remember that moment for the rest of your life.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Cuddle Time!
I'm home! After spending a very uneventful week in Hawaii it feels wonderful to cuddle with my husband and hold my children. Life has returned to normal very quickly and I am back to making lunches, being the referee for little fights, and putting kids to bed. I am loving all the little things that make me a mommy.
I can't wait to share more pictures. Hopefully I will get them uploaded soon. Right now I just want to cuddle with Kevin!
Thanks for your well wishes and prayers. It was difficult to go so far away from my family but I am thankful that I was able to enjoy some time away.
I can't wait to share more pictures. Hopefully I will get them uploaded soon. Right now I just want to cuddle with Kevin!
Thanks for your well wishes and prayers. It was difficult to go so far away from my family but I am thankful that I was able to enjoy some time away.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sunset
Just a couple pictures of paradise...
I am having a good time visiting with my family and relaxing by the pool and ocean. I will post more pictures soon.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Following God...to Hawaii???
I am getting a plane tomorrow morning and going to Hawaii...all by myself. I am so nervous! I have never left my children or husband like this before. It is totally out of character for me.
My mom, dad and sister have been planning this trip for the last year. My brother and sister-in -law jumped on board about 6 months ago. They have been asking, begging, and pleading with me to join them forever! I really wanted to join them but I couldn't bring myself to leave my family behind.
About 2 weeks ago I began to feel God talking to me...asking me to trust him. I began to feel like he was asking me to accept a gift from him. A gift of relaxation, reflection, and a time to recover. I have never had any time to myself to recover. Every day since I came home from the hospital I have been responsible for 3 young children. I couldn't spend a day in bed or in tears.
A week and a half ago I took the leap of faith and booked the trip. We have wonderful friends watching our little ones during the day while Kevin works and they are going to have great time. Kevin is excited to have some extra daddy time while I am gone. He has been extremely supportive for me. When I start to feel scared he puts his arms around me and tells me how good this is going to be.
So, I'm off to enjoy a little sunshine for an entire week!
My mom, dad and sister have been planning this trip for the last year. My brother and sister-in -law jumped on board about 6 months ago. They have been asking, begging, and pleading with me to join them forever! I really wanted to join them but I couldn't bring myself to leave my family behind.
About 2 weeks ago I began to feel God talking to me...asking me to trust him. I began to feel like he was asking me to accept a gift from him. A gift of relaxation, reflection, and a time to recover. I have never had any time to myself to recover. Every day since I came home from the hospital I have been responsible for 3 young children. I couldn't spend a day in bed or in tears.
A week and a half ago I took the leap of faith and booked the trip. We have wonderful friends watching our little ones during the day while Kevin works and they are going to have great time. Kevin is excited to have some extra daddy time while I am gone. He has been extremely supportive for me. When I start to feel scared he puts his arms around me and tells me how good this is going to be.
So, I'm off to enjoy a little sunshine for an entire week!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Laughter
I have been enjoying the last couple of evenings with my husband!! We put the kido's to bed and spend time together laughing and giggling. It has been a long time since I felt the desire to just laugh with him. I couldn't be more thrilled to feel like we are getting back to normal. YEA!!!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Happy 6 Month Birthday Little Buddy!
Yesterday was Timothy's six month day. No, I am not writing this a day late because I forgot...just the opposite. I wanted to save yesterday for me and I spent a lot of the day thinking about, remembering, and loving our young son.
I can hardly believe that 6 months are already gone. There are times that I feel like this has been a dream. The problem is that everyday I wake up and realize that it wasn't. I remember holding him and touching him, in fact I remember everything about him. His hair was the exact same color as mine, his eyes were a bright blue, his big toe was a little smaller then his "ring" toe, his fingers made a perfect little fist, his skin was soft, and his smell was sweet.
I often wonder what he would be doing now. There are times that I think about what he would be doing if he was a T18 survivor. Would he be having cardiac surgery? Would he be nursing, bottle feeding or tube fed? Would he require oxygen? How much would he weigh? Would I be afraid to leave our house? Would he be smiling at his siblings when they talked to him? Would he be happy? I love reading about other T18 survivors and seeing how happy they are. It brings me joy to know that these babies that are "incompatible with life" not only survive but they love life!!
I also think about what he would be doing if he was "healthy". If he is anything like our other children he would still be nursing but also eating solid foods, starting with vegetables and enjoying fruits as dessert. He would be sitting up on his own and getting ready to be on all four's during tummy time. With daddy's help he would be sleeping through the night and taking 2 naps during the day. I would be taking him to the bus stop in our front pack and sitting in the only open seat in our van. He would be splashing in the tub and loving the water. He would be giggling with his siblings and love to see dad when he came home from work.
Having Timothy has changed my life. I wish that I could say that I am over the grieving process that all I think about if the blessing's and joy he gave me but I can't. Not yet. I do feel blessed and I do feel joy, but I also feel regret, sorrow, and fear.
I don't know who I am anymore. I feel lost and alone much of the time. I know that I am struggling with depression because I love to sleep during the day, I still struggle to sleep at night, have a hard time cleaning my house, and I'm not winning the mother of the year award. In my last post for New Year's Eve I wrote about how my desire is to give God my all. That is my greatest desire but I can't seem to find out how to do that. My head says that it's easy...just do it. My heart, on the other hand, can't seem to get on board. There are moments that the pain is so great that it hurts to breath. I have taken a little step backwards lately. I want to be a wonderful wife and mother and in order to do that I need to figure out who I am now.
God is with me during these difficult days. I know that he is carrying me right now and will continue to carry me until I am ready to learn to walk again. I am giving him my all but it is less then I wanted it to be.
If you would like to pray for our family, please pray that we will continue to grow and that I will find peace as I learn how to move forward and find myself again.
I can hardly believe that 6 months are already gone. There are times that I feel like this has been a dream. The problem is that everyday I wake up and realize that it wasn't. I remember holding him and touching him, in fact I remember everything about him. His hair was the exact same color as mine, his eyes were a bright blue, his big toe was a little smaller then his "ring" toe, his fingers made a perfect little fist, his skin was soft, and his smell was sweet.
I often wonder what he would be doing now. There are times that I think about what he would be doing if he was a T18 survivor. Would he be having cardiac surgery? Would he be nursing, bottle feeding or tube fed? Would he require oxygen? How much would he weigh? Would I be afraid to leave our house? Would he be smiling at his siblings when they talked to him? Would he be happy? I love reading about other T18 survivors and seeing how happy they are. It brings me joy to know that these babies that are "incompatible with life" not only survive but they love life!!
I also think about what he would be doing if he was "healthy". If he is anything like our other children he would still be nursing but also eating solid foods, starting with vegetables and enjoying fruits as dessert. He would be sitting up on his own and getting ready to be on all four's during tummy time. With daddy's help he would be sleeping through the night and taking 2 naps during the day. I would be taking him to the bus stop in our front pack and sitting in the only open seat in our van. He would be splashing in the tub and loving the water. He would be giggling with his siblings and love to see dad when he came home from work.
Having Timothy has changed my life. I wish that I could say that I am over the grieving process that all I think about if the blessing's and joy he gave me but I can't. Not yet. I do feel blessed and I do feel joy, but I also feel regret, sorrow, and fear.
I don't know who I am anymore. I feel lost and alone much of the time. I know that I am struggling with depression because I love to sleep during the day, I still struggle to sleep at night, have a hard time cleaning my house, and I'm not winning the mother of the year award. In my last post for New Year's Eve I wrote about how my desire is to give God my all. That is my greatest desire but I can't seem to find out how to do that. My head says that it's easy...just do it. My heart, on the other hand, can't seem to get on board. There are moments that the pain is so great that it hurts to breath. I have taken a little step backwards lately. I want to be a wonderful wife and mother and in order to do that I need to figure out who I am now.
God is with me during these difficult days. I know that he is carrying me right now and will continue to carry me until I am ready to learn to walk again. I am giving him my all but it is less then I wanted it to be.
If you would like to pray for our family, please pray that we will continue to grow and that I will find peace as I learn how to move forward and find myself again.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
The begining of a New Year
Last night we celebrated New Year's Eve; the beginning of a new year. 2008 is now compete and all I can say is that I'm not ready. Ringing in the new year was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I had to leave 2008 behind me, I didn't have a choice.
As I waited for the days to go by I began to realize that I would be going into a new year without Timothy. I can no longer say that I saw and held and kissed my son this year. I felt like I was leaving him behind. I have struggled with the "moving on" aspect of loosing Timothy. I never wanted the hours to turn into days, the days to turn into weeks, or the weeks to turn into months. Now as I struggle to leave this year behind me, the months have begun turning into years.
Now as I look forward to a new year, 2009. What will it look like? What will it include?
I know what I want out of 2009. I want to give God more. Most of you will think I am crazy...you have given God your son, what more do you want to give him??
I want to give him my all. My time, my love, my trust, my family, my fear. As I look forward to 2009 I want to have a closer relationship with Him and to rely on Him to guide me and teach me in His way. I want to give up my own agenda and listen to His. I want to grow. Please pray for me as I learn how to give God my all and that 2009 will be a year filled with peace, growth, faith, and love.
As I waited for the days to go by I began to realize that I would be going into a new year without Timothy. I can no longer say that I saw and held and kissed my son this year. I felt like I was leaving him behind. I have struggled with the "moving on" aspect of loosing Timothy. I never wanted the hours to turn into days, the days to turn into weeks, or the weeks to turn into months. Now as I struggle to leave this year behind me, the months have begun turning into years.
Now as I look forward to a new year, 2009. What will it look like? What will it include?
I know what I want out of 2009. I want to give God more. Most of you will think I am crazy...you have given God your son, what more do you want to give him??
I want to give him my all. My time, my love, my trust, my family, my fear. As I look forward to 2009 I want to have a closer relationship with Him and to rely on Him to guide me and teach me in His way. I want to give up my own agenda and listen to His. I want to grow. Please pray for me as I learn how to give God my all and that 2009 will be a year filled with peace, growth, faith, and love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
