Learning to trust again

I'm trying to learn how to trust God again. I wish that I knew that God has taken one child away from me and he will not take another away. Since I know that He never made me that promise I find myself in a constant state of fear. I don't know how to place my family in His hands without that fear. I desperately want to trust God and feel surrounded by his love and protection. However, I know that he never promised that I wouldn't feel pain and sorrow. I find myself fighting with God. Telling him that I have given enough and begging him not to take any more.

I guess that is why I am trying to learn to trust God again, and give him everything that I have.

His name in the sand...

Timothy's name has been written in the sand and it is beautiful!!!

Please check it out... click here.

Carly is a mommy that lost her son, Christian, January 26, 2007. She began going to the beach and writing the names of all our lost children in the sand. She began this project 4 months ago and has already written 665 names in the sand. What a special gift she has given us all. Thank you Carly.

Just scrapin'

My mom mentioned to me yesterday that I haven't blogged in a while. Yep-I have been busy! I am working really hard on Timothy's scrapbook. I know that it won't be done for months (I am a bit of a perfectionist) but I'm having a great time looking at all of his pictures. I am doing a digital scrapbook from scratch, wow, it's a lot of work!!

I found this picture and I just love it...look at his arms and legs...aren't they cute?

reflection

I am beginning to recognize a pattern beginning in my life. I will have a period of peace, followed by a day of frantic cleaning, then a day of quiet reflection.

Today I am enjoying my day of reflection. I have spent much of my time sitting on the couch looking out my window, just thinking.

I find myself getting ready to do some things that I haven't been able to do yet. I want to start Timothy's scrapbook, and I want it to be perfect. Wouldn't it be great if I could get it done by Christmas? I am also beginning to think about some grief counseling. I still don't know if I am ready yet but I think in the next couple of months I will be making that call. So, Angie, get ready and be prepared for a mommy with a broken heart. I am also thinking that I might be ready to watch all of the video we took of Timmy and make it into a little movie that we can share with our friends and family that didn't get to meet him.

I am trying not to reflect on the things that I can't change. I can't bring him back...but I can honor his memory. I can't go back and fix all of those things that I regret...but I can remember and enjoy all of my favorite memories. I can't give him any more hugs or kisses and I will never be able to hold him again...but I can give all my love to my other 3 children and my husband, so I will never wish I had given them more.

I am trying to come up with a great way to honor Timothy's memory this Christmas. I would love any suggestions that my wonderful blog readers might come up with...

He's here!!

I can hardly believe that today marked the 3 month anniversary since we held Timothy. It has been filled with so much emotion; excitement, fear and joy.

Many of you already know my closest friend, Karen. She was with me the day that we received Timothy's diagnosis, the day he was born, and the day he was buried. Many of you may not know that she was also expecting her 5th child through out all of these up's and down's.

I finally received the call late last night. Karen was going to the hospital to deliver her little boy, Jonathan.

I was instantly excited. I couldn't wait to see this little man that I already loved so much. Her sister (a close friend of mine) and I spent the night in the waiting room talking, giggling, pacing and praying. Finally at 5:00 am we had to go home to allow our husbands to go to work.

During the night I had many flashbacks to my labor with Timothy. I could vividly remember the smells in my room and I remembered watching and hearing the decelerations on the monitor. I remembered praying that we would be able to have some time with him.

There were moments today, while I was waiting for baby Jonathan, that I was almost paralyzed in fear. I have a real understanding of the complications that can occur and how instantly a happy ending can turn into a real life nightmare. I desperately needed God to put his loving protecting hands on both Karen and Jonathan through out the labor. I waited at home with constant prayers on my lips and many tears in my eyes for the news that he was safe and sound in his mommy's arms.

I finally felt true joy when I heard that he had arrived at 10:21 am, weighing 7 pounds 11 ounces and 18.5 inches long. He is a beautiful, precious, wonderfully made child of God.

Karen- I am so proud of you! Your strength and courage have amazed me since the first day that I met you. You are the most wonderful mother and wife that I know. Thank you for your friendship, your support, and for sharing your wonderful family with mine.

Timothy- I held your best friend today! Everytime I watch him grow I will think about you. When I see him take his first steps I will see you taking those steps with him, and when he is running around the yard I will see you winning the race. I will find joy in every moment that I am blessed to experience with your little buddy, Jonathan.

Karen and I are pregnant with Jonathan and Timothy

Moments of joy

Wow. I haven't blogged in an entire week. This last week has been like a breath of fresh air for me. I felt like I was lifted up in prayer and able to breath again. I was even able to put my computer down and engage with my family again. I would like to send a huge thank you to everyone that has helped me through the hard days. I have never met many of you , but all of you have helped my tremendously. Some through emails or comments, some through hugs or cards, almost all through prayers.

I don't really know how to write about my good and wonderful moments on the same blog that I write about my feelings of emptiness that I have without Timothy. But in truth my life is often filled with joy.

I would like to share a little secret with everyone. After I delivered Timothy I realized how much I love blogging and decided to start a family blog. If you would like to see a few of my many joyful moments in the last couple of months you are formally invited to click here.

falling

Tonight I fall...

I fall into a deep pit of grief. A blogger friend once wrote that this is where we are supposed to be right now, and not to worry. We are falling with the grace and love of God surrounding us.

I look up and see the stars of heaven above at me, filled with love, grace, peace and joy, but I am unable to reach them.

I think about my life over the last 80 days and I see myself struggling. I struggle to sleep at night. I struggle to stay awake during the day. I struggle to take care of my children, take care of my husband, and take care of myself. I pretend that I am okay...visiting with friends and laughing, but I am struggling.

I have been searching. Looking for something in my life that is missing. I read blog after blog hoping that I will find what I am longing for. Tonight I finally realized that what I am searching for is gone. My sweet boy is gone. My heart will forever miss him. I miss him more with each passing moment, with every breath that I take. I want him back so bad that I ache inside.

Tonight I listen to Timothy's music and I cry. I hear the song that my wonderful friends sang/played at his funeral and I cry. I remember feeling him on my chest as he took his first breath and as he took his last, and I lose myself in grief.

As I fall I wonder where is the bottom...