Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Happy 2nd Birthday

I am at a loss for words.  Whenever I even think about writing this post it makes the tears begin.  Sitting down and trying to explain how much I miss Timothy on his second birthday is a extremely hard. 

That empty spot in my heart never really goes away.  There are times that I feel like Timothy was a dream.  A sweet little baby that I got to hold in an instant and then I woke up and he was gone.  Could all of that been real?  It is like the most vivid dream that I have ever had.  I have moments when I feel like I have traveled back in time and I'm still there.  I get lost in between this world of reality and dreams.

I love the life that God chose for me.  I know that He is hard at work in my life.  He is growing me, changing me, and  molding me every day.  Many times I feel like I would have chosen a different plan for myself but then I realize everything that I would have missed.  It is the difficult moments in my life that I have been surrounded by wonderful friends and family.  I have learned to be more thankful, more appreciative, and find more joy. 

But...I miss him.  

And so I walk in Faith...because I don't want to do it any other way.

Friday, June 4, 2010

My best friends daughter...

Abby was only 8 years old when Timothy was born. She was never able to see him or hold him.

But she truly loved him.

She is an amazing 4th grader now. I was greatly blessed and honored late last week when she spoke at her school's "compassion" assembly about Timothy. She spent a lot of time and put a ton of thought about what she wanted to share, then she got up in front of her entire school and told everyone about our Timothy. She told everyone about the hopes and dreams we had for him, the love we have for him, how it we missed him when her brother and his best friend Jonathan was born, and how we have continued to celebrate his life.

After she was done telling Timothy's story she presented me with a Mother's day gift from him.
Wow! A blessed and wonderful day (even with a few tears)...

Shhhh...don't tell but I allowed Austin to miss school so he could come and be apart of an extra special Timothy day. Did you notice that it was Mayla first time wearing her Timothy shirt??

Thank you for sharing your love for Timothy with me, your family, friends, teachers and your entire school. You are an amazing young woman. I love that you have been a great friend to my children. Emma loves and adores you.
I can't wait to continue watching you grow up into a wonderful woman just like your mom.
Love you,

Monday, April 19, 2010


I have been having a lot of flashback lately. Intense flashbacks. The take.your.breath.away kind of flashbacks. When it hits I feel like I'm really there. Flashes of moments with Timothy. The moments that we announced our pregnancy with him, the seconds right after we heard about his testing and ultrasound, the waiting room for perinatology, watching his first breath...then his last. They are random, confusing, and take me off guard. They can hit me while I'm driving down the road or in the middle of the night while I'm nursing Mayla. Some make me smile, some make me cry. I have a real love/hate relationship with this. I love many of those memories but some are still too raw to relive.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

family pictures

I realize that the pictures on my side bar are really old, but I'm having a hard time changing them. I like that the pictures represent where we were when Timothy was in our arms. I know that it sounds odd but part of my heart is stuck back in 2008 and it doesn't want to move on.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Timothy's Gift

I started thinking about this shortly after Timothy was born. I have been thinking, praying, planning, searching, practicing and mostly sewing since then.

I love the wonderful hospital that helped us deliver 4 out of 5 children (Austin was the only one not born there...but he still had the same delivering Doctor!) But after Timothy was born I became aware that they need to have some help with the very delicate practice of infant loss. Shortly after Timothy was born they brought in a standard gift box. It was a very nice gesture but I was thankful that we were prepared for Timothy and brought our own tiny clothes for him to wear as well as the other keepsakes that we wanted. It didn't take long for me to realize that most families don't expect to be dealing with a loss and don't have the ability buy their own tiny outfit or little blanket.

After seeing the gift box that we were offered, I knew that I wanted to do something more for these grieving families. The gift box had a little wrap for the baby to wear as well as a very tiny piece of cloth that was called a blanket. They had pink and blue foot prints all over them. They were okay but I know that I wouldn't have wanted my son to be dressed in them.

That is when I was overcome with a desire to bless other grieving families.

I have been making little boy and girl outfits for the last couple of months. One thing that you might not know about me is that I didn't know how to sew. I have had a machine for the last 10 years but only tried it a couple of times. I have been teaching myself how to sew but get this... these outfits are too small to edge very easily so I have also had to teach myself how to surge! I must say that surging is much harder then it looks!!!

I have 4 different sizes and my mom is knitting an extra extra small bunting for the tiniest babies.

On Timothy's birthday I plan to donate the gift boxes to our local hospital. My goal is to make 30-40 boxes. Each one will be gender and size appropriate and have an outfit, blanket, hat and a tiny heart pillow. I hope to also add a card for hand and footprints, a certificate of life (our hospital does not have them), tiny feet lapel pin, baby bracelet, information for bereavement support, and information for the nurse that is caring for the grieving family.

Since I always think big, I have one last goal for Timothy's birthday. I would love to provide the hospital with a camera and small photo printer. Shorty before we were discharged our nurse offered to give us the gift of Timothy's "hospital" picture. Even though we have a ton of pictures we were thrilled to have even one more. We went with her to the back to the camera and she couldn't figure out how to use it (neither could the other nurse with her). After fiddling with it for a long while we gave up getting the picture. I asked if she had any other way of taking pictures of baby's and she said no. I know that not everyone has a camera, or can go home to get one in the mist of crisis and I would love for the hospital to have a camera ready to snap pictures and a printer that can print them out before the family is discharged.

If you could please pray for each of these boxes, that they will bring a little comfort to the families that they are given too.
As you might have guessed, this is going to be a rather expensive project. I am not sure how much each box will cost at this time because I don't know exactly how much I will be able to add but I think that they will be between $8.00 and $12.00 each. If you feel lead to donate a box to a baby I have added a "chip in" widget.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Timothy's birthday!

Yep, I know that most of you just said..."What??? She must know that her sons birthday is not until July!"

You are right, and no, I have not lost my mind. I am just really excited. I have started planning Timothy's birthday and it will be very different this year.

I will share more in the next couple of days. I need to do a little more work and take some pictures...

Friday, January 29, 2010

the "other" side

My heart feels the pain that rips through each new family that joins us on the "other" side of this journey. When the Mom and Dad no longer fear the death of their child because they have just lived it.

I'm so sad that we have gained 3 new angel babies this week. 3... They all had Trisomy 18. Please lift their families up in prayer with me...Zoe, Sydney Grace, and Lyla.

And while you are praying for them can you also give my friend Jill and extra one?? Her sweet little girl Lily is thriving and growing (and so cute I just want to kiss her!), but after watching 3 losses this week I'm sure that Jill can use some peace, strength and sleep. And of course Lily could use your prayers for her safety and health as well!