Sunday, December 28, 2008

Our First Christmas

Christmas in our home was beautiful. Lot's of excitement as the kids made gingerbread houses at Grandma and Grandpa's house and opened more presents then we could count.

The best part? We had our first white Christmas in 18 years! A beautiful day to spend with family playing in the snow, making a huge snowman, and enjoying the birth of our Savior.

But many friends have noticed that I have been silent on my blog and they are wondering how I'm doing through the holidays. Some have asked me how I am doing and I have (almost) always given them my generic answer...fine, or good, or okay, and sometimes even great. They give me the a questioning look that asks me "Really? Are you lying to me?" They know me so well. Yes, I have been lying to most of you. The holiday's are very hard. There were days in the last few weeks that I just survived, moved through the minutes and struggled to keep myself together.

I am blessed by such wonderful friends. I have heard countless stories of mommies that felt like no one remembered the precious children that they have lost. I am so thankful that so many people have loved and cared about Timothy and remember him with me. I have received more hugs this year then I ever thought possible.

About 1 week ago we went to celebrate Christmas with Timothy. Our family and friends joined us for Christmas carols, Christmas tree decorating, and candy canes. To make our first annual Christmas visit even more memorable...snow! Even though it was bitter cold and our hands were too cold and numb to finish decorating the tree it was a great time to celebrate Timothy's life and remember him during this holiday season.

As much as I dislike the difficult emotions that we have faced throughout the last year I am forever grateful for Timothy's life. I love how he has changed me. I love how he has changed my family. I love how he has changed my friends. I don't fully understand God's plan and at times I find myself searching my heart and soul for answers to the questions that I have. Most of those questions remain unanswered, but I trust that the Lord my God has a plan and with His awesome, powerful, sovereign, love He choose to bless our family with a tiny little boy that lived for 2 hours and 50 minutes that we will love and miss for the rest of our lives.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Timothy moment

I remember back when I was a small child and my parents took me on my first plane ride. I remember the first time I felt the plane take off and the excitement when I saw the clouds disappear beneath me. I loudly declared "Look mom, clouds!!"

This last week we took our children across the country to visit their Uncle Bill, Aunt Suzzy and cousins, Izzy and Mason.

I loved watching our little children's excitement as they saw the plane for the first time and watching the joy in their eyes when we began to lift off.

I will forever remember the words my three your old daughter said when we broke free from the clouds and saw the beautiful blue sky surround our plane. "Look mom, Timothy!!" All I could do was fight back tears and nod my head. She was so excited to finally know and understand "heaven" in her own little eyes. From now on, when ever I fly, this is what I will remember and think about.

Friday, December 5, 2008

back to the begining

Today marks the first day I start saying "one year ago"

December 5th, 2007

one year ago...

we had our positive pregnancy test

one year ago...

we began planning our wonderful new life with 4 children

one year ago...

we had no idea that a freight train was about to hit our family