Sunday, March 16, 2008

20 Weeks

We made it to 20 weeks. It feels bittersweet. I haven't been able to get out of bed today. I didn't think that we would make it this far and it gives me hope that Timothy will be with us for a while. Then I quickly realized that I have another 20 weeks to go. 20 weeks! In the past I have celebrated the 20 week mark because we were 1/2 way done. Now all I can think about is how can I keep him alive for 20 more weeks. I feel helpless. I feel depressed. I feel like I am the only person in the world right now that is planning for their infants burial. All my friends are all planning and prepairing for their child's home comming. They are buying fun stuff, painting rooms and having baby showers. Why not me?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Going back to church

Yesterday was my first time back to church. I was scared and nervous. I have been skipping church on Sundays because I haven't felt ready to see everyone yet. Kevin went a couple of weeks ago and they gathered with him and prayed. I was glad to hear that they did because he needed that support. But I also knew that I couldn't handle that. I'm not strong enough yet.

I was scared for many reasons. That some people wouldn't want to be around me. That they would be afraid to see me and talk to me because they don't know what to say. I was scared that they would treat me different now. And that I might scare my pregnant friends.

I choose to go last night because it is an event for women only. I knew that I could only handle my friends and didn't want husbands watching me yet. At this event we got to laugh, talk, eat, relax and have a great time. Everyone was wonderful. I received a ton of hugs and shared some tears. My core support group never left my side. These are the girls that have been walking with me through this journey everyday for the last few weeks. They placed me next to them at the table and watch me closely for signs that I was getting overwhelmed. Thank you Karen, Denise, and Lisa.

We had a speaker that shared her personal story about living with breast cancer. She did a wonderful job. I saw strength in her. We all have our own events in life that we have to get through. They are all different but tragic none the less. She showed me that we will get through this; with the help of God, friends and family, the days will go by and there will be an end to this chapter of our life. Someday.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Kevin and Austin are gone for 4 days

Kevin took Austin to Colorado to visit his dad and step-mom this weekend. It has only been about 1 week since we found out that there is a problem and I feel alone. I am busy with Emma and Kadin during the days but the evenings are lonely.

This last week has been full of thinking, but not a lot of talking. I think Kevin and I have been trying to process everything. I am anxious for him to come home so we can make our first major decision for this baby. He needs a name. I think I know what it is, but Kevin and I haven't had much time to discuss it. Naming him has been a difficult task. We normally pick a name that will grow with our child. A name that will be cute as a child and strong when they grow up. Our baby boy won't have that chance of growing up, so we are looking for a name that will preserve his legacy.

Luckily I haven't had to spend the entire weekend alone. My mom and sister, Janelle, went to the zoo and aquarium with us yesterday. Kadin and Emma had a great time. Their favorite part was the sharks in the aquarium. They loved sitting at the glass and watching the huge 11 foot sharks swim close enough that they would be able to touch them if the glass wasn't there.

I have missed my husband and son though. The house seems empty with out them. I know that they are having a wonderful time because Austin hasn't stopped long enough to talk to me on the phone; all I get is a quick "Goodnight Mom, Love you". I love that they are having such a great time. They have had long days full of fun activities and non stop play. But I can't wait until they get home.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Snow day

Amazingly, we still have snow in the mountains and decided to take the kids sledding today. We have been planning this sledding day for a couple of weeks and really needed the break. It was a great way to take our minds off everything and feel normal for a while. I am so glad that we went. There were 4 family's and between us we have 10 children. They went up and down the hill more times then I could count! The kids were cold and wet when we were done and we had hot chocolate to warm up. As you can see, we had more then just a "little bit" of snow to play in!

We also told Austin and Emma that they are going to have a brother today. They are so excited. They began jumping up and down and are thrilled that our baby is a boy. Of course, they both said that they want to keep him. We agreed and told them that we will miss him when he is gone, but we tried to keep the main focus on the joy of finding out about our new brother.