Thursday, January 29, 2009

Happy 6 Month Birthday Little Buddy!

Yesterday was Timothy's six month day. No, I am not writing this a day late because I forgot...just the opposite. I wanted to save yesterday for me and I spent a lot of the day thinking about, remembering, and loving our young son.

I can hardly believe that 6 months are already gone. There are times that I feel like this has been a dream. The problem is that everyday I wake up and realize that it wasn't. I remember holding him and touching him, in fact I remember everything about him. His hair was the exact same color as mine, his eyes were a bright blue, his big toe was a little smaller then his "ring" toe, his fingers made a perfect little fist, his skin was soft, and his smell was sweet.

I often wonder what he would be doing now. There are times that I think about what he would be doing if he was a T18 survivor. Would he be having cardiac surgery? Would he be nursing, bottle feeding or tube fed? Would he require oxygen? How much would he weigh? Would I be afraid to leave our house? Would he be smiling at his siblings when they talked to him? Would he be happy? I love reading about other T18 survivors and seeing how happy they are. It brings me joy to know that these babies that are "incompatible with life" not only survive but they love life!!

I also think about what he would be doing if he was "healthy". If he is anything like our other children he would still be nursing but also eating solid foods, starting with vegetables and enjoying fruits as dessert. He would be sitting up on his own and getting ready to be on all four's during tummy time. With daddy's help he would be sleeping through the night and taking 2 naps during the day. I would be taking him to the bus stop in our front pack and sitting in the only open seat in our van. He would be splashing in the tub and loving the water. He would be giggling with his siblings and love to see dad when he came home from work.

Having Timothy has changed my life. I wish that I could say that I am over the grieving process that all I think about if the blessing's and joy he gave me but I can't. Not yet. I do feel blessed and I do feel joy, but I also feel regret, sorrow, and fear.

I don't know who I am anymore. I feel lost and alone much of the time. I know that I am struggling with depression because I love to sleep during the day, I still struggle to sleep at night, have a hard time cleaning my house, and I'm not winning the mother of the year award. In my last post for New Year's Eve I wrote about how my desire is to give God my all. That is my greatest desire but I can't seem to find out how to do that. My head says that it's easy...just do it. My heart, on the other hand, can't seem to get on board. There are moments that the pain is so great that it hurts to breath. I have taken a little step backwards lately. I want to be a wonderful wife and mother and in order to do that I need to figure out who I am now.

God is with me during these difficult days. I know that he is carrying me right now and will continue to carry me until I am ready to learn to walk again. I am giving him my all but it is less then I wanted it to be.

If you would like to pray for our family, please pray that we will continue to grow and that I will find peace as I learn how to move forward and find myself again.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The begining of a New Year

Last night we celebrated New Year's Eve; the beginning of a new year. 2008 is now compete and all I can say is that I'm not ready. Ringing in the new year was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I had to leave 2008 behind me, I didn't have a choice.

As I waited for the days to go by I began to realize that I would be going into a new year without Timothy. I can no longer say that I saw and held and kissed my son this year. I felt like I was leaving him behind. I have struggled with the "moving on" aspect of loosing Timothy. I never wanted the hours to turn into days, the days to turn into weeks, or the weeks to turn into months. Now as I struggle to leave this year behind me, the months have begun turning into years.

Now as I look forward to a new year, 2009. What will it look like? What will it include?

I know what I want out of 2009. I want to give God more. Most of you will think I am have given God your son, what more do you want to give him??

I want to give him my all. My time, my love, my trust, my family, my fear. As I look forward to 2009 I want to have a closer relationship with Him and to rely on Him to guide me and teach me in His way. I want to give up my own agenda and listen to His. I want to grow. Please pray for me as I learn how to give God my all and that 2009 will be a year filled with peace, growth, faith, and love.