Sunday, June 14, 2009


I have been silent for many reasons lately.

I don't know how to explain the emotions that I have been feeling.

I have spent this entire pregnancy drifting. My greatest desire is to enjoy every moment with this pregnancy and baby. I have been trying very hard to separate myself from my past and my future. As much as I try, I'm not succeeding.

Over the last year I have started to listen to God differently. I listened to him when he told me I was going to lose my son. I listened to him when he asked me to get pregnant with our daughter. I have had the privilege to know that God will lead your heart if you will listen to him.

During my pregnancy with Timothy I knew that he was not going to be a T18 survivor. I knew that if we were going to get any time with him it would be a very short time. God prepared my heart for that. A few months ago I became friends with another T18 mother. I was blessed to talk to her and walk with her throughout her pregnancy. I was amazed when she told me that she thought Lily was going to live. She didn't know how long, but she felt deep in her heart that her daughter was a fighter...and maybe even a survivor. I now realize that God was preparing her heart. Lily is now almost 7 weeks old! She is eating on her own and doing great. Want to meet her?? Just click here!

So when my heart is filled with fear, I feel confused. There are real moments that I feel like I will not be able to bring this baby home. But I don't know if I am allowing myself to drift back to my past or if I'm listening to God in those moments. Is this fear real? I can't help feeling it. I can't stop it.

I haven't told many people but a couple of weeks ago I had a non-stress test done. During that test Mocha's heart had several decelerations. We had a biophysical profile done (a specialized ultrasound) and she looked wonderful. Her heart rate stabilized and the doctors told me that she was healthy and not to worry. But as I was sitting on that monitor my mind began having flashbacks to laboring with Timothy and watching his heart decel. I was frozen with fear and began wondering if it was God's way of preparing me for another loss.

So I am desperately trying to listen to God. But I can't figure out what is real this time.

8 weeks to go...