Tuesday, October 28, 2008

He's here!!

I can hardly believe that today marked the 3 month anniversary since we held Timothy. It has been filled with so much emotion; excitement, fear and joy.

Many of you already know my closest friend, Karen. She was with me the day that we received Timothy's diagnosis, the day he was born, and the day he was buried. Many of you may not know that she was also expecting her 5th child through out all of these up's and down's.

I finally received the call late last night. Karen was going to the hospital to deliver her little boy, Jonathan.

I was instantly excited. I couldn't wait to see this little man that I already loved so much. Her sister (a close friend of mine) and I spent the night in the waiting room talking, giggling, pacing and praying. Finally at 5:00 am we had to go home to allow our husbands to go to work.

During the night I had many flashbacks to my labor with Timothy. I could vividly remember the smells in my room and I remembered watching and hearing the decelerations on the monitor. I remembered praying that we would be able to have some time with him.

There were moments today, while I was waiting for baby Jonathan, that I was almost paralyzed in fear. I have a real understanding of the complications that can occur and how instantly a happy ending can turn into a real life nightmare. I desperately needed God to put his loving protecting hands on both Karen and Jonathan through out the labor. I waited at home with constant prayers on my lips and many tears in my eyes for the news that he was safe and sound in his mommy's arms.

I finally felt true joy when I heard that he had arrived at 10:21 am, weighing 7 pounds 11 ounces and 18.5 inches long. He is a beautiful, precious, wonderfully made child of God.

Karen- I am so proud of you! Your strength and courage have amazed me since the first day that I met you. You are the most wonderful mother and wife that I know. Thank you for your friendship, your support, and for sharing your wonderful family with mine.

Timothy- I held your best friend today! Everytime I watch him grow I will think about you. When I see him take his first steps I will see you taking those steps with him, and when he is running around the yard I will see you winning the race. I will find joy in every moment that I am blessed to experience with your little buddy, Jonathan.

Karen and I are pregnant with Jonathan and Timothy

Friday, October 24, 2008

Moments of joy

Wow. I haven't blogged in an entire week. This last week has been like a breath of fresh air for me. I felt like I was lifted up in prayer and able to breath again. I was even able to put my computer down and engage with my family again. I would like to send a huge thank you to everyone that has helped me through the hard days. I have never met many of you , but all of you have helped my tremendously. Some through emails or comments, some through hugs or cards, almost all through prayers.

I don't really know how to write about my good and wonderful moments on the same blog that I write about my feelings of emptiness that I have without Timothy. But in truth my life is often filled with joy.

I would like to share a little secret with everyone. After I delivered Timothy I realized how much I love blogging and decided to start a family blog. If you would like to see a few of my many joyful moments in the last couple of months you are formally invited to click here.

Friday, October 17, 2008


Tonight I fall...

I fall into a deep pit of grief. A blogger friend once wrote that this is where we are supposed to be right now, and not to worry. We are falling with the grace and love of God surrounding us.

I look up and see the stars of heaven above at me, filled with love, grace, peace and joy, but I am unable to reach them.

I think about my life over the last 80 days and I see myself struggling. I struggle to sleep at night. I struggle to stay awake during the day. I struggle to take care of my children, take care of my husband, and take care of myself. I pretend that I am okay...visiting with friends and laughing, but I am struggling.

I have been searching. Looking for something in my life that is missing. I read blog after blog hoping that I will find what I am longing for. Tonight I finally realized that what I am searching for is gone. My sweet boy is gone. My heart will forever miss him. I miss him more with each passing moment, with every breath that I take. I want him back so bad that I ache inside.

Tonight I listen to Timothy's music and I cry. I hear the song that my wonderful friends sang/played at his funeral and I cry. I remember feeling him on my chest as he took his first breath and as he took his last, and I lose myself in grief.

As I fall I wonder where is the bottom...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Remembering Timmy

Emma: Dad, Mom, is Timothy looking down on us with God? Mom, Timothy's friend is the moon! Mom, Dad, Timothy is my best friend.

Austin: Hey dad, you think Timothy is playing football with God? (I said Yes) Well he is the Seahawks and he will beat God cause he is faster! Dad, Mom, I can't wait to see Timothy.

Kadin: Well, he just says what any 1 year old says. Points at something and says "baby"!

These statements by our kids is a small glimpse of the love our family has for Timothy. As hard as it is for families to go through losing a child, there is an overwhelming amount of love and joy for our little one.

As for me, his fragile body, smooth skin, his baby blues and most importantly, his resiliency to fight to meet us will always be remembered. My heart melts when I remember back to the moment Timmy looked for me when I said "hey buddy, it's your daddy".

Though today is the National Day of Remembering our little ones, let it not be the only day we pull together to help each other out and pray for one another.

Above all things, remember that the Lord is in control of everything.


A day of Remembrance

Today is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death.

Please join me in prayer today as we remember our little children that have blessed our lives for such a short time. If you would like a short list of families to pray for today please visit this site. Angie has been kind enough to open her blog for all families that have lost a child at any age to post a comment. Right now the list numbers 959 families. I'm certain it is going to continue to grow. Let's join together and storm the gates with prayer today...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fall Fun

Timothy's big brother's and sister are getting ready for the fall festival. Every year they get to dress up and eat lots of candy. Normally we go to our church for a big costume party with lots of candy, but this year we are thinking about going to a local camp to celebrate.

Emma has decided that she doesn't want to be anything girlie. So, no princess dress or tierra. She is going to be a pastry chef. She has the big hat and an apron. She looks very cute and is happy as can be.

Austin and Kadin are thrilled this year because they get to dress up and fight crime together. Austin is going to be Dash and Kadin is going to be Jack-Jack from the Incredibles. They are going to look like real superhero brothers!

The Kidos really wanted to celebrate with their little brother. So last week we bought some teddy bears that are all dressed up and took them to Timothy.

We are waiting for his official marker to be done. It should be complete in about 1 month...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Letter from Timothy

To my Family,

I know it must be hard not to have me there, but I can tell you with all my heart that God’s glory is all around me. His Hands are warm and fill me with peace and joy. I have many wonderful friends to play with. I thanked God for answering my prayers to meet and spend time with you, but I am happy to be home.

Austin, thank you for protecting me and teaching me how to fight. Emma, I will always cherish your hugs and many…many kisses. Thank you Kadin for letting me sit with you and not squishing me; you have quite the squeeze. God blessed me with the most wonderful brother’s and sister.

Finally, thank you mom and dad for taking such good care of me. Mom, the warmth in your touch will always be with me, and dad your stern tenderness will always be remembered. I know that you both miss me dearly, and will carry me around in your hearts forever. Please don’t worry about me… I am singing with God.

I love and miss you all,


The above letter was written by us to be placed in his memory book and memorial program. I wanted to share it with those of you that weren't able to come to his services.

Monday, October 6, 2008


I am not a huge music fan. That is probably why my wonderful husband (who is a huge music fan) didn't tell me that Lincoln Brewster was going to have a concert at our church tonight. Then a couple of friends told me that they had an extra ticket and asked if I wanted to join them. I can't tell you why, but I felt led to go.

Joel Auge opened for Lincoln. He asked us all a question. Would you be flabbergasted if God asked you to step out on the water? How would it feel to take that step and feel the cold water holding you up? Then he sang his new song "On the Blue".

I feel like God has already asked me to step out on the water. I already know what it feels like to feel the "water" hold me up. My entire life I wondered what it would be like to have God talk to me. I mean talk to me. When I ask him a question and I feel the answer in my heart. I have been blessed to have experienced this in my life. It has been very difficult to take those steps and learn this new type of trust. But Timothy was worth every step.

Lincoln Brewster is amazing. He is energetic and gifted. He has a passion for the Lord, his wife and his children. The concert was wonderful. Beautiful flashing lights and music so loud that you could feel it.

His final encore brought me to tears. Everlasting God.

When we were on the way to the hospital to deliver Timothy I was having a very difficult time. I was up most of the night, spent the morning vomiting, and felt like I couldn't breath after I got in the car. The song "Everlasting God" came on the radio and that was all I heard for the rest of the day. "Strength will rise as you wait upon the Lord..." "Strength will rise as you wait upon the Lord..."

Since that day I have received strength from that song more times then I can count. I love to turn the volume up and feel the music. It was amazing to hear it live. I'm pretty sure that I was the only person in the entire audience that began crying when the music began. I know that God used the opportunity to talk to me, to remind me that He is the everlasting God and He will give me strength. I know that my grief is still young and I have many more difficult days ahead of me, but I also know that strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord. He has already given me proof that this statement is true.

If you have never heard this song I highly recommend checking it out. It is the third song on Timothy's play list. Turn the volume up as loud and you can!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Missing Timothy

I went to church today and was thrilled to see and hold our newest addition. Little Lillian Joy was welcomed into this world 8 days ago by her loving mother, father, and 5 sisters! I loved holding her and looking at her. She is perfect in every way. A full head of dark hair, a little button nose and a couple cute dimples.

As I gave her back to her mom I began to miss my son. I am proud to be Timothy's mommy. I'm sad that I didn't have the opportunity to bring him to church and introduce him to all of our friends. I miss all of my mommy moments with him. I miss the feeling of pride that I would have had when a stranger noticed his beautiful bright blue eyes. I miss having the opportunity to smile when a mother tells me that I am crazy to have 4 children! I miss so many different things but most of all I just miss him...

Thank you Kari for sharing you daughter with me (she really is wonderful!). Thanks for letting me cuddle her and share in your joy. If you would like to see more pictures of Lillian click Here

Thursday, October 2, 2008

the little things

Little thing that have helped me the most...

my children
ice cream