Wednesday, April 30, 2008

To Tell or Not to Tell

My neighbor noticed that I was pregnant today. We were talking about it across the street from each other. All I could tell her is that we are thrilled, it's a boy, and we are due in August. It wasn't the right time to tell her more. I left feeling a little guilty. I know that sooner or later she will find out, and she will think about all the time that has passed with out me telling her anything.

But I really struggle with this. I don't know when I should share the entire story with people, and how. It's not like I can just blurt it out. I have to carefully judge the circumstances and try to judge if the person I am talking to is ready to hear more.

I also have to be very careful how I tell them. If I give them facts with out very much emotion they give me the feeling that they think I don't care about my baby. I think it is really hard for anyone to understand that I don't have to cry every time I talk or think about Timothy. That I have known about this for almost 10 weeks and that we are trying to celebrate his life as much as possible while we have him with us.

Austin and Emma do not struggle with telling people at all. If someone (stranger or acquaintance) asks about our pregnancy and they are with me, they have a very small child telling them the facts very bluntly. It normally goes something like this..."My brother is deadly sick. He is going to die and live in heaven." They just look at me, in shock. I normally nod and tell them that the kids are correct and they go away from us as quickly as they can. I find that I envy my children. They don't have to worry about how to act or what to say. They love their brother and want him to live with us, but they also get to process this from a child's point of view and they accept facts easier then adults do.

I am a little surprised how hard it can be to talk about this even with my friends and family. I have people that try to give me hope by telling me that God can provide a miracle for Timothy and we might have a normal baby. I try to gently explain to them that I am not expecting, hoping, or praying for a healthy child. That we are just praying that God takes him home when the time is right and he will not suffer. There are times that I feel people don't like me saying these things. They don't understand that for God to perform a miracle on Timothy, it would require every cell in his entire body to be altered. It is not a matter of a quick surgery to correct his heart, or a healing of his brain. This condition affects every single cell in his entire body. I understand that nothing is impossible for God but yet I have to deal with the fact that God made Timothy with Trisomy 18. He gave us this beautiful boy that will be going to live in heaven sooner then we would like. We don't fully understands why God choose us for this journey or who we will impact. God has a plan for our family and we know that He will reveal it to us in time.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

26 Weeks - Ultrasound

We had another ultrasound of Timothy at Seimens today. The Siemens ultrasounds are mainly for our enjoyment. They spend 2 ½ hours taking pictures and getting to know him. He is continues to grow and now weighs about 1 lbs 7 oz (which is still small for his gestational age).

We had a formal ultrasound about 2 weeks ago to look at his “problem” areas. As of right now, he looks a lot like he did when diagnosed. Most things didn’t get worse but there was no improvement either. So, even though his prognosis has not changed, we like that he is active, growing, and doing as well as he is. If everything continues to go well you should be getting another update in a few weeks with more pictures.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Northwest Trek

Our first
"Timothy Day"

Kevin and I are planning on having several days during our pregnancy that we focus on Timothy. We would like to spend the day having fun as a family and including Timothy in that fun. Our goal is to allow the kids to think and talk about their brother as much as they want to. We also want to give them the opportunity to enjoy him while he is with us and not have to worry about what our future holds.

For our first Timothy day we decided to go to Northwest Trek. First, we had to pack up. Taking 3 children on an outing for the day doesn't come without a ton of STUFF! We had lunches, snacks, drinks, coats, blankets, diapers, wipes, sippycups, change of clothes, and who knows what else. Thank goodness for strollers! We had quite the drive because it takes about 1 1/2 hours to get there. I can't even tell you how many times we heard "Are we there yet?". I can't even imagine what it would be like to drive to Disney land!

Finally we arrived. The weather was wonderful..not too hot or too cold. The tram ride lasted about one hour and we saw a lot of different animals including Big Horn Sheep, Bison, Blacktailed Deer, Elk, Mountain Goats, Moose, Caribou, Swans, and Geese. There were 2 new baby Bison. One was 5 days old and the other one was born yesterday. We were able to see them both! I think the thing they liked the most was that there were NO seat belts. That made it a bit crazy for us though. Austin's highlight of the day was seeing a Bison urinating (up close I might add). He thought that was sooo cool.

Next we went on the nature hike. The kids ran up an down the tails posing for pictures and having a wonderful time. Even Kadin walked almost the entire time. While we were on the hike we were able to spend time with Brown Bears, Wolves, and Coyotes. We also got to see a Bobcat, Cougar, and Lynx.

By the time we got back to the car all of our kids were exhausted. Kadin was asleep in minutes. Surprisingly Austin and Emma stayed awake the entire drive home. But there was no arguing, fighting or yelling. They just sat there. No movement at all. It was a very quiet car ride home. We had a wonderful Timothy day.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Church dificulties

I have been having problems going to church. I have tried multiple times but today I had to walk out. If I didn't go in for the worship part I think I would do better. But in never fails. I go in and everyone starts singing. I find myself unable to even open my mouth to try to sing. I feel a lump in my throat that grows until I feel like I'm going to begin crying. As I walk out, Karen instantly follows. She can read me from across the church. She seems to know when I'm having a bad moment without me even looking at her. We had an opportunity to talk for a while, and cry a little.

I don't feel like I am angry with God. I know that He loves me and will help me through this journey. I know that He has a plan for me. But I have a hard time singing praises to Him when my heart is breaking. So, does that mean that I am struggling with anger?

I also have a hard time spending time with God, in prayer and in the Word. I trust that He knows my heart. That He knows I need Him to carry me through these next few weeks and months. That I love Him but I don't have much more to give to Him right now.

I find myself having a difficult time even writing this. It brings me to tears.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

22 Weeks - Introducing Timothy James Currey

We wanted to send a quick update on our precious boy. After a lot of thinking and praying we choose to name our new little guy Timothy James Currey. Timothy means “honoring God” and James means “to go before”. We love this name because we would like to “go before and honor God”.

Today we had the wonderful opportunity to have a 3D/4D ultrasound. This was a free, non-diagnostic, ultrasound through Siemens. We were able to get some wonderful photos. Timothy is very small weighing 11 ounces. During the ultrasound he had the hiccups and wouldn’t stop moving for them to get the pictures they wanted. A typical Currey! They would like to do another ultrasound in about 6 weeks.

He has been very active the last couple of weeks and we are thrilled every time we are able to feel him kicking and rolling. At this point we are 22 ½ weeks and counting. We appreciate everyone’s prayers, cards, and encouragement.