Christmas

I have always loved Christmas.

It is a beautiful time of year with all of the lights, music, friends, food and the birth of our Savior.But times have changed for me. I have faith that I won't always go into a pit of grief during this beautiful time of year but for now I'm having a hard time.

I have tried really hard to share the hope, blessings, faith, love, and joy that Timothy's life has given me. I don't even know how to put my feelings of grief into words. But I feel like I really need to write about the darkness that can take over my world at any moment.

I'm tired
I hate the fear
I hate the anger
I hate that inability to cope
I hate the frustration
I hate the stolen joy
I hate how this has affected every aspect of my life
I hate the blackness that can take me over
I hate that daily tasks can feel as impossible as building your own house
I hate that I miss my son and that I can't hold him or kiss him or cuddle him when he is scared or laugh with him when he is happy.

But normally I can handle my own emotions. I find it much harder when I have to watch my children and husband suffer. My children have a broken mom and my husband has a broken wife.

My 8 year old son wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares about how he might have killed his brother by being too loud. Or nightmares about how he was buried alive and couldn't get out. He does class projects about his brother that died and has friends that tell him that they wouldn't have allowed their brother to die; they would have dug him up and brought him home and kept him. In the darkness of his room in the middle of the night we cry together while I try to comfort him and he tells me how much he misses his brother and just wants him here with us, and all I can do is agree. My fear has rubbed off on him and he has a hard time controlling his emotions.

My almost 5 year old daughter collects anything that has to do with angels or babies. She deals with a need to hold firmly onto everything that comes into her life and it affects her all the way to her core when something is lost or broken. She still believes that our baby angel statue is Timothy. My anger has rubbed off on her and she has a hard time controlling her emotions.

Kadin was a lot younger when Timothy came into our lives so I think that he is mostly affected by me. My sadness has rubbed off on him and he has a hard time controlling his emotions.

My husband has been a rock. He is strong and steady. But he is affected beyond words. His whole world has been affected. I am very lucky because he has turned to God in his difficult times. He had been studding the bible and learning the Word more then ever before. (It has sparked some interesting discussions between us). He misses his wife.

One thing that is extremely frustrating about all of these emotions and feelings is that they do nothing for Timothy. He is at home in Heaven experiencing the greatest joy. Having me miss him and grieve for him doesn't bring him any more joy. He doesn't benefit from it in anyway shape or form. He is with our Savior and the only emotions he feels are love, joy and peace. Nothing we can do here on earth can increase any of those feelings.

So what is all of this pain for???????

I guess it is for us. To help us turn to God in our weakest moments and with our greatest needs. So that we can find true joy, peace and love in His arms. So he can bless our lives as only he can.

Please join me in praying for all the families that are grieving during this season of joy.

Since I really don't feel like updating on our normal family stuff and I know that many of you would like to see how big the kids are getting I would like to invite you to check us out at http://www.curreyclan.blogspot.com/.