flashbacks

I have been having a lot of flashback lately. Intense flashbacks. The take.your.breath.away kind of flashbacks. When it hits I feel like I'm really there. Flashes of moments with Timothy. The moments that we announced our pregnancy with him, the seconds right after we heard about his testing and ultrasound, the waiting room for perinatology, watching his first breath...then his last. They are random, confusing, and take me off guard. They can hit me while I'm driving down the road or in the middle of the night while I'm nursing Mayla. Some make me smile, some make me cry. I have a real love/hate relationship with this. I love many of those memories but some are still too raw to relive.