Last night we celebrated New Year's Eve; the beginning of a new year. 2008 is now compete and all I can say is that I'm not ready. Ringing in the new year was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I had to leave 2008 behind me, I didn't have a choice.
As I waited for the days to go by I began to realize that I would be going into a new year without Timothy. I can no longer say that I saw and held and kissed my son this year. I felt like I was leaving him behind. I have struggled with the "moving on" aspect of loosing Timothy. I never wanted the hours to turn into days, the days to turn into weeks, or the weeks to turn into months. Now as I struggle to leave this year behind me, the months have begun turning into years.
Now as I look forward to a new year, 2009. What will it look like? What will it include?
I know what I want out of 2009. I want to give God more. Most of you will think I am crazy...you have given God your son, what more do you want to give him??
I want to give him my all. My time, my love, my trust, my family, my fear. As I look forward to 2009 I want to have a closer relationship with Him and to rely on Him to guide me and teach me in His way. I want to give up my own agenda and listen to His. I want to grow. Please pray for me as I learn how to give God my all and that 2009 will be a year filled with peace, growth, faith, and love.
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"The future is as bright as the promises of God."
--Adoniram Judson, 1788-1850, missionary to Burma.
This is the story of an amazing man, he did not have a storybook life, much sorrow, death, discouragement, BUT--he kept his eyes on the Lord. God used those sorrows to show HIMSELF strong in the life of a mere man.
Time does march on and it is insulting when you have dealt with hard things. For whatever reason, we want to stay close to that time. I know. It has been over two years, and it seems like a moment ago.
You feel that way because you love him so much! It is alright to love him, it is alright to remember him, it is alright!
Time was created by God when God created the world. It is actually a blessing, could you imagine a world without time? What sorrow these moments would be without beginning or end--a constant grief, without rest?
Time will be taken away when the Lord returns for his own. The Bible says, "and God shall wipe away ALL tears from their eyes, and their shall be NO MORE WEEPING, neither sorrow, nor pain, for the FORMER THINGS are passed away." Revelation
He goes on to speak of Heaven, which is also a gift as time is a gift, for there, the Christian will live in Heaven, not in sorrow, but in JOY as we behold the merciful face of God. This hope is found in Christ.
As time marches on, look for the good things in your day, and you do, you do it so well! You have such a sweet family! God's hand is there, and it is always good, even when we don't understand.
The future IS as bright as the promises of God!
I am praying for you! It is hard, I know. I am praying for you, dear friend. I hope you have a wonderful year, I pray that God daily heals your heart, and gives you hope for today and tomorrow, and even, joy in sorrow.
with much love,
Jennie
Ringing in the new year was really hard for me too. It's hard to imagine a 2009 that doesn't include our babies. 2008 was the only year that my Ada even existed here on earth, and that's hard to accept. I hope you have a happy and hopeful 2009.
I have just found your site from babyloss directory- your family is beautiful. My son Gabriel was stillborn May 10, 2002 and I know it is hard to find ways to live again without our babies. Thank you for your blog- I too have found comfort reading other's stories.
On my blog Stepping Stones (steppingstonesblog.blogspot.com) we have been talking about the idea that we have to create our children's legacy since they are not here to create it themselves. I like the idea that being Gabriel motivates me to do good works in the world.
I hope today is gentle for you.
peace- emily
Hi Jen, I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. Wishing you the best for 2009!
Keri
Jen, I was touched by what you wrote. I found your site again through the Warnock's site. I want you to know Im praying for you too - that you will grow closer to Him in all the ways that you asked for.... Oh how sweet His peace is. Cindy
Wow...great post! I want the same thing! Praying for you as you begin 2009.
I just sat down and read some of your blog. Losing a child is very hard I know this first hand two times over. But one thing that I know is that through the pain Christ will never leave your side. And even though you feel you have given all you could possible give to God He wants more, and that's what we as His children are here for, to give Him our ALL!! I'll will keep you in my prayers that your faith and strength in the Lord continue to grow and that you find what it is that you are looking for spiritually.
God Bless!
Rachel
Mommy to:
Carly (11/15/07-3/9/08)
and
Hannah (11/7/08 birth/death date)
I just came across your blog and am so sorry about your Timothy! I am pregnant with my first child, and she too has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I struggle every day with the knowledge that I won't have my daughter in my life as long as I wanted, but treasure the time that I do have now. Knowing there are people like you that live with this every day is comforting and a source of inspiration. Thank you.
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