Sunday, June 14, 2009

drifting

I have been silent for many reasons lately.

I don't know how to explain the emotions that I have been feeling.


I have spent this entire pregnancy drifting. My greatest desire is to enjoy every moment with this pregnancy and baby. I have been trying very hard to separate myself from my past and my future. As much as I try, I'm not succeeding.

Over the last year I have started to listen to God differently. I listened to him when he told me I was going to lose my son. I listened to him when he asked me to get pregnant with our daughter. I have had the privilege to know that God will lead your heart if you will listen to him.

During my pregnancy with Timothy I knew that he was not going to be a T18 survivor. I knew that if we were going to get any time with him it would be a very short time. God prepared my heart for that. A few months ago I became friends with another T18 mother. I was blessed to talk to her and walk with her throughout her pregnancy. I was amazed when she told me that she thought Lily was going to live. She didn't know how long, but she felt deep in her heart that her daughter was a fighter...and maybe even a survivor. I now realize that God was preparing her heart. Lily is now almost 7 weeks old! She is eating on her own and doing great. Want to meet her?? Just click here!

So when my heart is filled with fear, I feel confused. There are real moments that I feel like I will not be able to bring this baby home. But I don't know if I am allowing myself to drift back to my past or if I'm listening to God in those moments. Is this fear real? I can't help feeling it. I can't stop it.

I haven't told many people but a couple of weeks ago I had a non-stress test done. During that test Mocha's heart had several decelerations. We had a biophysical profile done (a specialized ultrasound) and she looked wonderful. Her heart rate stabilized and the doctors told me that she was healthy and not to worry. But as I was sitting on that monitor my mind began having flashbacks to laboring with Timothy and watching his heart decel. I was frozen with fear and began wondering if it was God's way of preparing me for another loss.

So I am desperately trying to listen to God. But I can't figure out what is real this time.

8 weeks to go...

12 comments:

Nicole said...

Praying for peace in knowing that Mocha will live! Praying for a safe and healthy delivery, and peace for when she's home!

Jill Smith said...

Dear Jennifer,
Fear can be so crippling, but if there's one thing I've learned from Lily is to love despite fear. I fear every day that she won't be with us, but I will NEVER let that fear let my love for her be a whimper. My heart screams for her! But fear is normal. I pray that your fear diminishes and that you find peace in your pregnancy and with Mocha's birth. I know you love her so much and you want to be able to shower her with your love. Hence, your fear.
I can't wait to meet her, as I know you can't, and I hope one day she and Lily will be able to play with each other!

Anonymous said...

Psalms 42 - it is a troubled heart, longing for faith and to feel God so close to his own heart and for certainty in uncertainty - just as you are.

The Finnestad Family said...

Praying God's perfect love will cast out all fear! I'm confident God gave me the 2009 theme "Believe" for a reason. I know you & I are regularly praying that prayer "Lord, I believe...help my unbelief!"

What a blessing you have in the gift of friendship with Jill. I can't wait to see pictures of Lily and Mocha together! What a treasure that will be :)

Keep on keepin' on Jen. You know that I love you more than words can express and will be here every step of the way!

Nold Family said...

Praying for your peace and comfort. I wish I could just hug you and take all that away and allow you to just fill with joy and enjoy every moment. You are a special woman! Mocha will be here, happy and healthy and ready to go home with you, before you know it!

aaron♥michelle said...

That would be unsettling and confussing... Praying Phil. 4:4-7 for you... and that the peace which surpasses all understanding would guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus...

Anonymous said...

Praying for Jen
Annette

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

Praying for you daily. I pray peace upon you and I pray that God will give you comfort and rest in the weeks to come.

Many hugs!

laus said...

Jen, I can only imagine how crippling that fear is ... I am praying for you and your family!

The Williams Five said...

Oh Jen. I dont even have words for you. I will pray. That is all I can do.

Emily said...

My first pregnancy was pretty worry free. After my second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I was soon pregnant again with my daughter. I was scared to even tell anyone that I was pregnant I was so scared, and my mom helped me relax and trust God. I was okay for a while until she was all but diagnosed with Trisomy 18. I began praying "May this child glorify you with her life." I knew God would answer that prayer. She ended up having Turner's Syndrome and living. When I was pregnant the fourth time, I dreaded ultrasounds, but I remembered to pray that this child would grlorify the Lord. I struggled with trusted that he would be okay. I trusted God to do what was best, but I struggled not knowing what the "best" would be. God was so gracious to give me a perfectly healthy boy born naturally as I had prayed. It is sad that we can't have back our innocence of never having a loss, but it is who we are, a parent to a child in heaven. If only we could grasp God's infinite greatness that we might trust Him more. I pray that God will give you peace as you wait to hold your baby girl. Thank you for being a witness of someone who knows that her life is in the Lord's hands and trusts Him.

chris mitch travis cana said...

hi there...i'm having a hard time keeping track of who i've written and shared with these last few days..I just figured out how to search and share with other T18 mommies and was blessed to find you.

We gave our Cana back to God on Oct. 9th of last year. She was born just 1 day earlier.

I was reading some older posts...finding common ground in so many words and feelings. Thank you! But one struck me and i wanted to share something someone shared with me during our support group. (MEND-mommies enduring neonatal death). Early on, i asked how some of the other mom's responded to the dreaded "how many do you have?" or even "is this your only?" Some moms shared that they only share the story of their child with those they will invest more time with or those they see they'll eventually have a relationship with. But i am different. I want to wear a big sign that says "ASK ME ABOUT MY DAUGHTER!" I love talking about Cana! I love sharing the story of her life and death and sharing about how it's changed us daily and the purpose of her life and the glory of her resurrection. BUT not everyone wants to hear. And i realized very early on that if they freak out, i've just placed my heart in some strangers hands, hoping they would allow me some connection. SO...another mom shared this and it spoke to me:
She says that she allows the other person to lead the conversation where they want it to go. So it usually goes like this:
"do you have more children?"
"yes."
"how many do you have?"
"i have two."
"how old are they?"
"travis just turned 2 and my daughter Cana would have been almost 9 months."
.......and this is the point where they either run fast in the other direction or ask questions, offer condolensces, etc. I've found that i really like letting the other have control of how far they'd like it to go. I'm not left feeling vulnerable, and they aren't uncomfortable. I've met some wonderful and compassionate hearts this way.

And as you've prob heard and shared with other moms with T18 loss, i am with you on this journey in grief and the celebration of life. Praying you all the way there.

p.s. found "i see love" and Lily and i'm just in awe. In a way that only we can understand, i see my baby girl in that face, those hands, those feet. just so beautiful.