Friday, August 7, 2009

The first week

Today Mayla turned 1 week old. She is a great sleeper, likes to eat, loves to cuddle, and tolerates all the love and attention she receives from her proud brothers and sister all the time!

But today was a difficult Timothy day for me. It began at 5:30 this morning when Austin came into my room in tears saying that he misses Timothy. We cuddled together for a little while and talked about how Timothy is very happy, playing with his friends, and being loved by Jesus. Then He fell back to sleep and I proceeded to cry for quite awhile. I miss Timothy too. I should have 5 children climbing into my bed every morning cuddling with me. So today I spent much of my day celebrating Timothy's little sister and grieving his loss like I have too many times to count in the last year.

I have thought about him a lot these last couple of weeks. Between celebrating his birthday and returning to the hospital where I loved and lost him, I have had many ups and downs.

God has placed me on this roller coaster and asked me to trust him. To be honest I have struggled with trusting him lately. I trust that he has a plan for our family...I just haven't been able to trust that I was going to like that plan. For many reasons that we will never understand, he has taken more then one child from many families. That has been very scary for me.

The thing that I love most about this roller coaster is that I wouldn't change it. I wish Timothy was still with me, I miss him, I love him, but I would never change the fact that I had him. He is part of our lives and will continue live in our hearts forever. I am also deeply in love with his sister. I shouldn't have her in my life right now. But because of God's wonderful blessings and fulfilled promises I do.

Thank you God for taking such good care of our family and holding us in your hands as we have struggled and grieved. We ask that you continue holding us as we heal and learn to love and trust again. And give Timothy a kiss from his family that misses him dearly. Amen


5 comments:

Akul's mama said...

Your family sounds so wonderful. I am sure Timothy's spirit finds a way to be with his loving family many a times. Sending love you way.

Aubrey Garff said...

I am so happy that your little one is doing well. Timothy probably walked her to the edge of the veil for you. I am pregnant with a child after the loss of two in a row and I am feeling ups and downs too.

The Earnhardt Family said...

I'm so glad Baby Mayla is doing so well in her surroundings and in your gentle loving care! (I gotta hold her again!) I'm sorry about your day's difficulties though...although it's neat that your kids have such a special heart for their baby brother! Timothy is so loved and will never ever be forgotten! Praying for your continued healing and strength to trust, and that you can enjoy and cherish sweet baby Mayla as well (which I know you do!). You guys sure have been thru a lot...

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

She is beautiful and I am thankful that she is doing great!

Beth said...

i read through most of your beautiful blog, especially the months surrounding your pregnancy and loss of your sweet boy timothy. you can read my story at http://safeinthishouse.blogspot.com . i just lost my firstborn babygirl unexpectedly at 39 weeks the day before she was scheduled to be born by csection (she was breech). i am also a pediatric nurse. thank you again for sharing your story.