family pictures

I realize that the pictures on my side bar are really old, but I'm having a hard time changing them. I like that the pictures represent where we were when Timothy was in our arms. I know that it sounds odd but part of my heart is stuck back in 2008 and it doesn't want to move on.

Timothy's Gift

I started thinking about this shortly after Timothy was born. I have been thinking, praying, planning, searching, practicing and mostly sewing since then.

I love the wonderful hospital that helped us deliver 4 out of 5 children (Austin was the only one not born there...but he still had the same delivering Doctor!) But after Timothy was born I became aware that they need to have some help with the very delicate practice of infant loss. Shortly after Timothy was born they brought in a standard gift box. It was a very nice gesture but I was thankful that we were prepared for Timothy and brought our own tiny clothes for him to wear as well as the other keepsakes that we wanted. It didn't take long for me to realize that most families don't expect to be dealing with a loss and don't have the ability buy their own tiny outfit or little blanket.

After seeing the gift box that we were offered, I knew that I wanted to do something more for these grieving families. The gift box had a little wrap for the baby to wear as well as a very tiny piece of cloth that was called a blanket. They had pink and blue foot prints all over them. They were okay but I know that I wouldn't have wanted my son to be dressed in them.

That is when I was overcome with a desire to bless other grieving families.

I have been making little boy and girl outfits for the last couple of months. One thing that you might not know about me is that I didn't know how to sew. I have had a machine for the last 10 years but only tried it a couple of times. I have been teaching myself how to sew but get this... these outfits are too small to edge very easily so I have also had to teach myself how to surge! I must say that surging is much harder then it looks!!!

I have 4 different sizes and my mom is knitting an extra extra small bunting for the tiniest babies.

On Timothy's birthday I plan to donate the gift boxes to our local hospital. My goal is to make 30-40 boxes. Each one will be gender and size appropriate and have an outfit, blanket, hat and a tiny heart pillow. I hope to also add a card for hand and footprints, a certificate of life (our hospital does not have them), tiny feet lapel pin, baby bracelet, information for bereavement support, and information for the nurse that is caring for the grieving family.

Since I always think big, I have one last goal for Timothy's birthday. I would love to provide the hospital with a camera and small photo printer. Shorty before we were discharged our nurse offered to give us the gift of Timothy's "hospital" picture. Even though we have a ton of pictures we were thrilled to have even one more. We went with her to the back to the camera and she couldn't figure out how to use it (neither could the other nurse with her). After fiddling with it for a long while we gave up getting the picture. I asked if she had any other way of taking pictures of baby's and she said no. I know that not everyone has a camera, or can go home to get one in the mist of crisis and I would love for the hospital to have a camera ready to snap pictures and a printer that can print them out before the family is discharged.

If you could please pray for each of these boxes, that they will bring a little comfort to the families that they are given too.

As you might have guessed, this is going to be a rather expensive project. I am not sure how much each box will cost at this time because I don't know exactly how much I will be able to add but I think that they will be between $8.00 and $12.00 each. If you feel lead to donate a box to a baby I have added a "chip in" widget.

Timothy's birthday!

Yep, I know that most of you just said..."What??? She must know that her sons birthday is not until July!"

You are right, and no, I have not lost my mind. I am just really excited. I have started planning Timothy's birthday and it will be very different this year.

I will share more in the next couple of days. I need to do a little more work and take some pictures...

the "other" side

My heart feels the pain that rips through each new family that joins us on the "other" side of this journey. When the Mom and Dad no longer fear the death of their child because they have just lived it.

I'm so sad that we have gained 3 new angel babies this week. 3... They all had Trisomy 18. Please lift their families up in prayer with me...Zoe, Sydney Grace, and Lyla.

And while you are praying for them can you also give my friend Jill and extra one?? Her sweet little girl Lily is thriving and growing (and so cute I just want to kiss her!), but after watching 3 losses this week I'm sure that Jill can use some peace, strength and sleep. And of course Lily could use your prayers for her safety and health as well!

Missing him

Just missing my sweet boy today.



Happy year and a half little man...



***sigh***

Christmas

I have always loved Christmas.

It is a beautiful time of year with all of the lights, music, friends, food and the birth of our Savior.But times have changed for me. I have faith that I won't always go into a pit of grief during this beautiful time of year but for now I'm having a hard time.

I have tried really hard to share the hope, blessings, faith, love, and joy that Timothy's life has given me. I don't even know how to put my feelings of grief into words. But I feel like I really need to write about the darkness that can take over my world at any moment.

I'm tired
I hate the fear
I hate the anger
I hate that inability to cope
I hate the frustration
I hate the stolen joy
I hate how this has affected every aspect of my life
I hate the blackness that can take me over
I hate that daily tasks can feel as impossible as building your own house
I hate that I miss my son and that I can't hold him or kiss him or cuddle him when he is scared or laugh with him when he is happy.

But normally I can handle my own emotions. I find it much harder when I have to watch my children and husband suffer. My children have a broken mom and my husband has a broken wife.

My 8 year old son wakes up in the middle of the night with nightmares about how he might have killed his brother by being too loud. Or nightmares about how he was buried alive and couldn't get out. He does class projects about his brother that died and has friends that tell him that they wouldn't have allowed their brother to die; they would have dug him up and brought him home and kept him. In the darkness of his room in the middle of the night we cry together while I try to comfort him and he tells me how much he misses his brother and just wants him here with us, and all I can do is agree. My fear has rubbed off on him and he has a hard time controlling his emotions.

My almost 5 year old daughter collects anything that has to do with angels or babies. She deals with a need to hold firmly onto everything that comes into her life and it affects her all the way to her core when something is lost or broken. She still believes that our baby angel statue is Timothy. My anger has rubbed off on her and she has a hard time controlling her emotions.

Kadin was a lot younger when Timothy came into our lives so I think that he is mostly affected by me. My sadness has rubbed off on him and he has a hard time controlling his emotions.

My husband has been a rock. He is strong and steady. But he is affected beyond words. His whole world has been affected. I am very lucky because he has turned to God in his difficult times. He had been studding the bible and learning the Word more then ever before. (It has sparked some interesting discussions between us). He misses his wife.

One thing that is extremely frustrating about all of these emotions and feelings is that they do nothing for Timothy. He is at home in Heaven experiencing the greatest joy. Having me miss him and grieve for him doesn't bring him any more joy. He doesn't benefit from it in anyway shape or form. He is with our Savior and the only emotions he feels are love, joy and peace. Nothing we can do here on earth can increase any of those feelings.

So what is all of this pain for???????

I guess it is for us. To help us turn to God in our weakest moments and with our greatest needs. So that we can find true joy, peace and love in His arms. So he can bless our lives as only he can.

Please join me in praying for all the families that are grieving during this season of joy.

Since I really don't feel like updating on our normal family stuff and I know that many of you would like to see how big the kids are getting I would like to invite you to check us out at http://www.curreyclan.blogspot.com/.

Joy

I am filled with joy.

I know that when I say that most people will think that our new little girl is the source of that joy. She's not. I mean she is...but she's not.

My entire life has changed since Timothy. All my children have brought me joy and changed my life... I'm in love with them all, but Timothy's short life really blessed me.

I live my life with a different kind of happiness. One that comes from this little boy that lives in my heart. He will never be replaced. He will never be gone. He walks with me everywhere I go and reminds me not to take one moment for granted.

He sits in my heart right next to my Savior. The source of my joy. The One that has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams and knew exactly what he was doing...both when he gave me a tiny little boy to love and when he took him home to Heaven. He made me breath when I couldn't do it on my own, carried me when I couldn't walk, cried with me when I couldn't get out of bed and hugged me when nothing in this world could comfort me.

AND

He has also given me JOY.

(family pictures update coming soon...I just have been too busy enjoying them to blog!)