Learning to trust again

I'm trying to learn how to trust God again. I wish that I knew that God has taken one child away from me and he will not take another away. Since I know that He never made me that promise I find myself in a constant state of fear. I don't know how to place my family in His hands without that fear. I desperately want to trust God and feel surrounded by his love and protection. However, I know that he never promised that I wouldn't feel pain and sorrow. I find myself fighting with God. Telling him that I have given enough and begging him not to take any more.

I guess that is why I am trying to learn to trust God again, and give him everything that I have.

His name in the sand...

Timothy's name has been written in the sand and it is beautiful!!!

Please check it out... click here.

Carly is a mommy that lost her son, Christian, January 26, 2007. She began going to the beach and writing the names of all our lost children in the sand. She began this project 4 months ago and has already written 665 names in the sand. What a special gift she has given us all. Thank you Carly.

Just scrapin'

My mom mentioned to me yesterday that I haven't blogged in a while. Yep-I have been busy! I am working really hard on Timothy's scrapbook. I know that it won't be done for months (I am a bit of a perfectionist) but I'm having a great time looking at all of his pictures. I am doing a digital scrapbook from scratch, wow, it's a lot of work!!

I found this picture and I just love it...look at his arms and legs...aren't they cute?

reflection

I am beginning to recognize a pattern beginning in my life. I will have a period of peace, followed by a day of frantic cleaning, then a day of quiet reflection.

Today I am enjoying my day of reflection. I have spent much of my time sitting on the couch looking out my window, just thinking.

I find myself getting ready to do some things that I haven't been able to do yet. I want to start Timothy's scrapbook, and I want it to be perfect. Wouldn't it be great if I could get it done by Christmas? I am also beginning to think about some grief counseling. I still don't know if I am ready yet but I think in the next couple of months I will be making that call. So, Angie, get ready and be prepared for a mommy with a broken heart. I am also thinking that I might be ready to watch all of the video we took of Timmy and make it into a little movie that we can share with our friends and family that didn't get to meet him.

I am trying not to reflect on the things that I can't change. I can't bring him back...but I can honor his memory. I can't go back and fix all of those things that I regret...but I can remember and enjoy all of my favorite memories. I can't give him any more hugs or kisses and I will never be able to hold him again...but I can give all my love to my other 3 children and my husband, so I will never wish I had given them more.

I am trying to come up with a great way to honor Timothy's memory this Christmas. I would love any suggestions that my wonderful blog readers might come up with...