Sunday, March 16, 2008
20 Weeks
We made it to 20 weeks. It feels bittersweet. I haven't been able to get out of bed today. I didn't think that we would make it this far and it gives me hope that Timothy will be with us for a while. Then I quickly realized that I have another 20 weeks to go. 20 weeks! In the past I have celebrated the 20 week mark because we were 1/2 way done. Now all I can think about is how can I keep him alive for 20 more weeks. I feel helpless. I feel depressed. I feel like I am the only person in the world right now that is planning for their infants burial. All my friends are all planning and prepairing for their child's home comming. They are buying fun stuff, painting rooms and having baby showers. Why not me?
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Dear Jenn,
It's so hard to know how to approach a grieving mother, for I know that there are no words I could possibly say that would encompass the depth of your love for this baby and the hurt of your heart as you try to learn to let go before you have even embraced him.
I must admit that the fear of saying the wrong thing, of seeming inappropriate in the questions I ask, of saying “I understand” when I really DON’T ( I can only begin to imagine) ... all those things have almost frozen me from approaching you and letting you know just how much your hurt grieves me too and how much Bryan and I hurt with you. You are in our prayers, in our hearts... I wanted to let you know.
I remember when I was pregnant with Angelina, more than 3 years ago, and I got diagnosed with critically low amniotic fluid. It was so scary for me. I felt maybe there was something I had done that had caused it. I wondered how I could handle it if the worse were to happen to my baby. It was a difficult time. I also remember you called me right away. You listened and asked questions and gave me advice from your nursing background that I really needed. Just you calling and taking the time and then even calling back to check on me was so valuable and I remember it and appreciate it so much! And then I feel so bad that I have not been able to do the same with you. Why?! Maybe it’s because I feel I have no words of encouragement, no advice, no expertise to give you. But... then I say to myself, I have my love for you and your family... my prayers, and my knowledge that God will not leave you not forsake you. How horrible it would be to go through what you and Kevin are going through without the hope of eternal life with Jesus. But we do have that... we do have the promise that you WILL get to hold this precious boy one day, in Heaven, and his body will be well, and his heart will be well, and he’ll be able to smile and laugh and just nestle in your arms and sleep there. Jesus will cradle Timothy in HIS arms, until you get there....
All my love and prayers are with you dear Jenn, and may you find the strength for each day in the only one who can give it to you, the LORD JESUS, who loves you and Timothy more than you can imagine.
Anabel
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