Sunday, April 20, 2008

Church dificulties

I have been having problems going to church. I have tried multiple times but today I had to walk out. If I didn't go in for the worship part I think I would do better. But in never fails. I go in and everyone starts singing. I find myself unable to even open my mouth to try to sing. I feel a lump in my throat that grows until I feel like I'm going to begin crying. As I walk out, Karen instantly follows. She can read me from across the church. She seems to know when I'm having a bad moment without me even looking at her. We had an opportunity to talk for a while, and cry a little.

I don't feel like I am angry with God. I know that He loves me and will help me through this journey. I know that He has a plan for me. But I have a hard time singing praises to Him when my heart is breaking. So, does that mean that I am struggling with anger?

I also have a hard time spending time with God, in prayer and in the Word. I trust that He knows my heart. That He knows I need Him to carry me through these next few weeks and months. That I love Him but I don't have much more to give to Him right now.

I find myself having a difficult time even writing this. It brings me to tears.

1 comment:

Christina Smith said...

I remember those feelings too when we were dealing wiht the grief of losing three parents in the course of one year. The heart is so heavy with pain, joy has been squeezed out and praise would feel empty, not meaningful. But your comment about trusting that God knows your heart is praise at its very core. You have acknowledged His sovereignty and supremacy over your life; that is praise!! Pastor Greg said that he believes that praise still count even when given without a smile or a song on one's lips. And I think that praise given out of one's sorrow is very precious to our God. He knows the cost to our hearts.
Rest in His Grace,