2 months

I don't know where to begin. My life has been very different lately. I find myself filled with joy at one moment then sorrow or frustration a split second later. At the beginning of this journey I made the decision to make this blog "real" but (at the same time) not write things that might hurt those around me. This week I have had some inner struggles with anger and frustration (mostly with God). Since I don't want to say anything that might be hurtful to anyone (including God) I will keep those thoughts private. But as soon as I am able to begin to understand my anger more I might try to share more about this stage of my grief.

My grief was definitely compounded by the loss of Dan. We spent the day Saturday at his memorial service. It was a wonderful service that lasted 3 hours. He was loved many. About 400 friends and family members came to spend this time together and celebrate his life. It was extremely hard to be there. I couldn't stay seated. It was good that we choose to sit at the back because I was up and down the entire time. It was exactly 8 weeks since Timothy's memorial service and stirred up a lot of emotion for me.

If you knew Dan and would like to sign his on line guest book click here. To see the wonderful slide show of Dan's life click here.

Sunday was 2 months since Timothy came into our lives. We miss him so much! Our friends and family have done a wonderful job surrounding us and helping us remember and celebrate these milestones. We were given chocolate, cards and flowers. Since our weekend was filled with activity we weren't able to visit Timothy yet. We are going to go spend some time with him this evening.

I guess that I should say that we weren't able to visit Timothy at Hillcrest this weekend. Austin and Emma decided to make a place here at home that we can visit him anytime we want (at least until it rained).

See Austin's drawing. Timothy in his box with the ground above him... then the grass ... then the marker on top. He did such a great job. Emma's gave Timothy big eyes, two legs, hair and a huge smile!

the hammer and ice

Has anyone ever told you what a wonderful feeling you can get from taking a hammer to a freezer full of ice? What an awesome way to release some pent up anger and frustration! That is what I spend my evening doing today. Taking that hammer (are you supposed to use a hammer to defrost a freezer?!) to the 3 inches of ice that has accumulated over the last several years was one of the most satisfying feeling I have felt in a LONG time!!

update

I have just returned home from spending several hours at the hospital. I was thankful to be allowed to see and spend some time with Dan as well as give hugs and share tears with his family and friends. After extensive testing the doctors have come to the conclusion that Dan has lost all brain function. His parents have made the brave decision to allow Dan to give life to others and the transplant team has been called. They plan to spend the next day or so loving and spending time with Dan before they take him to surgery.

Please continue to pray. Pray for all of the wonderful families that will be blessed with new life... that their surgeries will go well. Pray for Dan's family and friends. He has a loving Mother, Father, two brothers and their wives, three nieces, two nephews, and numerous friends.

Update for Daniel

Thank you for your continued prayer for our dear friend, Daniel. Right now he is in the NURO ICU at Harborview Medical Center. At this time he is stable and has many friends and family members at his side. However, he is not expected to recover and Doctors are saying he will be meeting his Lord and Savior soon.

Prayer

My hands are shaking...

A very dear family friend has been in an accident and has a severe brain injury. At this time details are unclear but my understanding it that decisions are going to be made today about discontinuing life support for him. Please hold this family up in prayer. Pray that God will guide their decisions and that, God willing, Daniel will have a full recovery. I will post an update as soon as we know more.

What do you do

What do you do when your husband is in a different stage of grief then you. When he has different needs, desires and feelings. What can you do to keep him the important person in your life when you feel like there is little understanding. When you want to scream and yell and cry and cling in the same moment. When you are desperate to understand each other but lack the ability because all you see is your own grief. What do you do when your grief clouds your ability to understand your own husband?

You go for a drive and turn the music up as loud as you can. You get on your knees in prayer and ask God to give you a level of understanding. You sit quietly together and choose your words wisely. You leave a conversation unfinished for several days as you wait for the right words to express yourself. You realize that some things are beyond your control and forgive each other when lines are crossed. You tell him that you love him and that he is and always will be the most important person in your life.



Then, you go to your friends and tell then how hard this is and ask for them to lift your family up in prayer as you continue to grow and become the family God desires you to be.

wish...

This afternoon we were enjoying a quiet moment in our back yard when Austin picked a wish berry blossom. He held it out to me and asked me to make a wish. My wish was instant...I want Timothy back! I couldn't believe how fast that thought came into my head. Luckily I didn't say it out loud and Austin went on to wish for a new transformer. Just seconds later Emma scooped up another wish berry blossom. I was very surprised by her wish, she didn't wish for a new toy or game. "I wish Timothy was with us..."

Just another "normal" day in the Currey household.

The Network

I have become part of a a very special network of women that welcomes all new comers with tears in their eyes. Moms that have lost their children. We are almost a secret society that most people don't even know exist until they have a sudden loss.

We don't always know what to say to each other and we can't take the pain away but we try to support each other. We listen with an ear of understanding. I know 3 women personally that have traveled this road before me. It is wonderful how they can support me so easily. One of those special mom's will look at me from across the room and we have a moment of understanding. It only takes a split second and I realize that I'm not alone. She knows how hard this is and even though I have a smile on my face, there is so much more in my heart.

I am also getting to know several other moms and one dad through their wonderful blog's. I feel like I have become friends with them. I have a level of understanding for their emotional roller coaster ride. I am able to gain some comfort in knowing that I am not alone and I am normal. There are times that I don't even know if what I'm feeling is normal then one of them will post something on their blog and I will think, "yes! I feel that way as well!".

I met another mother a couple of days ago. She lost her daughter about 6 weeks before I lost Timothy. Because of complications during labor she was not able to bring her lovely baby home. As we were together I realized that I have no idea what to say to her. You would think that since we are walking this road together that I would know all the right things to say, but I don't. I understand that everyone travels this road differently. Emotions vary widely and they can change quickly. Some people want to talk about it and some don't.

I realize that this must be how it feel to be around me. People don't want to make me sad or upset and they don't know what to say or how to act when they are around me. I would like to share some thoughts that might make being around me a little easier.

First, I love to talk about Timothy. I love to share my special moments and treasured memories. I like to compare birth stories and discuss the little things like his weight and his cute little squeaks.

I love to hear how he has impacted your life. Since I won't get to see him grow up and watch him have an impact in this world it is a nice way for me to feel that his life has meaning. Of course I already know how special he is and what a wonderful impact he has made in my heart!

I like knowing that he is not forgotten. even a quick little mention of him in a conversation will allow me know that he is remembered and cherished.

I don't always like to talk about my emotions. His life and his death are very different to me. I find joy in his life but sorrow in his death. Most of the time, I like to try to focus on his life and only go deep into the pit when I am by myself, with my husband or very close friends.

I don't mind if someone asks me if I want a hug or if I want to talk about Timothy. There are times that I will gladly share and times that I will honestly decline. I always feel loved in those moments.

It is easier for me if people try not to make statements about Timothy's life. I would rather have them ask a question instead. An example: "You must be happy to have had time with him," is an okay thing to say to me but I would prefer "Are you happy with the time that you had with him?". It allows me to be more honest about how I'm feeling. It gives me power to say "Yes, I am thankful that I had time with him but it wasn't enough!! " I know that I should be grateful for the time I was given but there are times that I'm NOT...I wanted more!

I don't want anyone to be afraid to be around me. Normally I am not easily upset and I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I love that everyone has been so wonderful, kind, caring, and supportive.

-I would love to hear if Timothy has had an impact on your life. If he has, or if you have spent time in prayer for him, I would love to have you post a quick comment on this post. It would mean so much to us...

No more simple answers...

A question that comes up at any given time on any given day. A question that you can use to get to know someone or just make small talk. A simple question. A question that might come from anyone... a stranger, a new neighbor, or an old friend. A question that I have always loved. Is now a question that I have no idea how to answer.

Can you guess what it is??


How many children do you have?

How do I begin to answer that question?? I get a pit in my stomach and my heart begins to race. I feel like I have just been put to the test. I normally pause for a second and take a deep breath while I try to determine the best answer at that particular moment.

I know that I haven't figured out the right answer yet. I'm still learning. I do have a goal when I answer but am not sure how to accomplish it. I want to include Timothy in our family and at the same time, I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

If I tell someone that I have 4 children but one died shortly after birth they don't know how to respond. Normally they quietly say "Oh...I'm sorry..." and the conversation quickly ends or changes subjects.

At times it has felt inappropriate to include Timothy and I have said that I have 3 children. I then walk away with a tremendous amount of guilt. Did I really just pretend that Timothy wasn't one of my special children??

Please pray that God will whisper words of wisdom in the coming months as I learn how to be the mother of 4 children with one in heaven.