Friday, August 22, 2008

Broken

I have had quite a few people tell me that it is difficult to open my blog with the music on, I happen to agree. To be honest I normally have the music off when I open my own blog. Sometimes it is difficult to know that God is "Holding" me right now. There are times that I don't feel like God is holding me at all. The pain runs so deep.

I'm broken right now. This can't be fixed. We can't get Timothy back. We can't pray for sudden healing or a miracle. Timothy is gone. I can't even say that God didn't hear our prayers because we never prayed for Timothy to be "miraculously cured", we prayed that he would be at peace, without pain, and feel loved. God listened to our prayers and Timothy had a wonderful, although short, life. But with that comes guilt. Should we have prayed for a miracle? Would he still be with us? What if we had asked for more time? Could we have brought him home?

I have a lot of people that ask me how I'm doing. My answer is always the same..."Alright". How do you explain to someone what broken feels like? How can you put words to an emotion that runs so deep that words can't even begin to describe or capture the depth of what you feel in your heart.

Kevin has been back to work for 2 weeks now and I miss him so much. He is my comfort. He is the only person that can truly understand what I am going through because he is is walking this road with me. I love to see his car drive up each evening and feel him arms around me. He has been a wonderful support for me. We spend time every day talking and connecting. Sometimes we just sit together. He is Timothy's daddy, he loves and misses him as much as I do.

I read this yesterday and thought that the author must have known grief.

A little girl lost a playmate in death and one day reported to her family that she had gone to comfort her sorrowing mother. "What did you say?" asked her father. "Nothing," she replied, "I just climbed up on her lap and cried with her."

Charles Swindoll

7 comments:

The Finnestad Family said...

I just read this one for the 2nd time, hoping those perfect words would magically appear. They didn't. So instead, may I be the one who sits quietly next to you...

So grateful God has given you Kevin. Praying for you two to continue to draw nearer and near to Him and to eachother.

The Wagner's said...

I, like Karen, hoped the right words might come, but they certainly didn't. Maybe there just aren't right words. I'd love to sit quietly next to you as well, and in the meantime, I'll continue praying for you and Kevin and the kids.

Michelle said...

Still praying for you, Jennifer, and your whole family.

Anonymous said...

I know 2 people who you have never met that have been profoundly touched by your story and they both have commented to me about your touching music selection. Thankyou for sharing your heart in such a trying time.

The Earnhardt Family said...

I was thinking the same thing after our last phone conversation, when you had asked "How you doing?" and of course my response was "good, how are you?" - such a canned response! And one that is hard to answer, so I immediately wanted a retake! :o) I do want you to know that whenever I ask you though, that you can answer me as long or short as you'd like, as in depth or shallow, as canned or meaningful as you'd prefer at that given time, I'm ears (and a shoulder) for whatever you want to say. And just like the others have said, I will most definitely sit quietly next to you and just simply pray. (OR change the subject entirely if that's what you need!) :-)

mom said...

After reading your blog my heart breaks for you. I also cry for Timothy and wish I could take your pain away as any Mother would want to do to help her daughter get through this. I also will sit quietly by your side. I will continue to pray for the family, that the Lord will by there for you every step of the way during these hard times. Love mom

Mrs. Mother said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Our little girl, Jenna Grace, passed away at 21 weeks due to Trisomy 18. She was born Aug. 12. It just hurts so bad.