Tuesday, August 12, 2008

15 days

Kevin went back to work yesterday. I want to attempt to explain how I'm doing but I hesitate because I don't fully understand my own emotions yet.

For the last 15 days I have been trying to keep myself busy. The first week I was only able to get about 4 hours of sleep every night because I didn't want to be in bed. I would wait until about 2:00 in the morning, so when my head hit the pillow I would instantly go to sleep. Then I would wake up and get out of bed between 6:00 and 7:00, and get in the shower right away so I wouldn't have to think about what was happening. My showers were short because that is another difficult time for me. I spent my days and nights planing and thinking about things we could do to make Timothy's services special.

Then we went away and I spent my time being strong for my children. Again, I kept myself busy and if I would start thinking about everything, I would try to find something to do to keep myself going.

Now I am home and Kevin has gone back to work. I'm still trying to keep my self busy. I'm doing odd things that I never would have done before. I shampooed Emma's mattress today because she threw up on it a couple of days ago. I wander around the house looking for things that need to be done but at the same time I don't want to change anything. I want everything to stay the same as it was when we were pregnant with Timothy. When I get tired of wandering around the house I pack up the kids and go shopping. I am buying things that I wouldn't normally buy which means that I'm spending too much money.

I find myself on the computer, still trying to do things for Timothy. We have to design his grave marker, update the blog, and finish filling out his memorial book. I'm anxious to start his memory scrap book, so I have spent hours looking for the perfect digital scrap booking supplies on line. I am trying to get his medical records, put him on our insurance, and finish his hand and foot molds. I spend hours looking at his pictures, his guest book, reading all of the wonderful cards and emails (over and over), and just holding and touching the blanket he was wrapped in and the clothes he wore at the hospital.

I feel like if I continue doing things for him or touching his stuff I will be able to keep him alive like he was 15 days ago. I don't feel like any of this is real. It all happened so fast I wonder if it really happened at all. I don't want these tasks to end because I feel like as soon as they are over his life will really be gone.

I am not crying and mourning as much as I thought I would. I know that part of that is because a part of me feels relief. After spending so many weeks feeling nothing but fear and anxiety it is nice not to be consumed with worry. Another part of me is so happy that we were able to spend time with Timothy that I want to continue to focus on that feeling. I wonder if this is what denial feels like. I have been reading on the Trisomy 18 website and found that I'm feeling and doing the same things that the other mothers do. I aslo found out that the shock, denial, and disbelief goes away some where in the 4-8 week time period and I will start to have a new set of emotions...


The Young Family said...

Your courage, strength and openess about your feelings are amazing. It might not always feel that way to you, but they are. I admire you so much for trying to "go on vacation" and focus on your family. We continue to pray for you as you return home. May God grant you His mercies anew each morning to make it through each day.

Wendi Kuhl said...

At this moment I am sobbing. I wish that I could be there to hug you and help you grieve or just take the kids for a few hours so you can cry. I miss you Jenny and pray that you will be overcome with joy again soon.
I don't know if you've heard the song "Everything" by Tim Hughes but it is worth a listen. I love you and thank you for sharing your heart in all its grief.

The Earnhardt Family said...

Well if you ever want to fill some of your time with playdates, we're all back and would love to visit! It's been weird being away from you guys for an entire two weeks!