Sunday, August 17, 2008

Holding on

I am trying desperately to hold on...

I'm trying desperately to hold on to Timothy. I want to hold on to the time I had with him, so I won't forget a single second of his time with me. I want to remember the emotions that I have right now; forever. I'm afraid that as time goes by I will start to feel better and I don't want to feel better or different. I need to remember the love that I feel for Timothy and the joy I had when I held him in my arms as well as the pain and sorrow I had when I had to let him go and say good bye.

I'm trying to hold on to some control in my life. I feel powerless right now. I have begun to realize that I have no real control over my life. I don't get to decide those things that I thought I could control. Now I realize that God controls my life. I am only able to make decisions about the path that he chooses for me. In some ways that is comforting for me. I know that he has my best interests in mind when he makes decisions about my life. But I also find it so frustrating. So... I clean. I have never been a wonderful housekeeper. Now, I can't seem to stop cleaning. It feel like the dirt in my life is the only thing that I can control right now.

I'm trying to hold on to my emotions. I never know when a wave will hit me. Will it hit me when I'm shopping in Walmart? Or when I'm driving down the street or as I'm visiting with a neighbor? Of course, it's really hard when I see a mother nursing her new baby. I have to work hard to stay strong in these moments and keep my emotions under control.

My children are trying to hold as well. They each have their own different and unique way of trying to keep Timothy in their lives. Austin has started collecting all the pictures he can and lining them up on his dresser (we had about 20 pictures framed for his memorial service). He talks about how cute Timothy is and which pictures are his favorites.
We have a little statue that we were planning on placing in our "Timothy Garden". Emma thinks of him as real and has named him Timothy. She carries baby Timothy everywhere. She takes him to bed with her and cuddles him on the couch. She talks to him like he is real and loves to play with him. I think that he will be in the house for quite a while.
Kadin has latched on to his mommy and daddy. He needs one or both of us to be next to him at all times. Kevin left yesterday morning for about 30 minutes and he cried for Daddy the entire time he was gone.

This week has come with it's ups and downs; sometimes in the same moment. On Wednesday I went to get the mail. There as a large envelope from the funeral home. I knew instantly what was in the envelope. I began to cry. It came. We received Timothy's death certificate before we received his birth certificate. In the same instant I received 5 cards from my closest friends. They were all out of town for the entire week (yes, I said ALL of them were out of town). But God knew I needed their support in that special moment and they were all with me when I opened that large envelope.


The Wagner's said...

Jen, I'm so glad that our cards arrived at just the right time for you- wish we could have been there to hug you in person.
Praying for you-

The Earnhardt Family said...

Wow, what amazing and devine timing. God's hands were definitely in that!

I can see why you'd want to hold on to all those emotions and memories, not wanting them to fade or lessen in certain ways. Such a brief time with him, and yet such a large impact and imprint on your heart. He will forever be remembered and missed, that's a definite!

Cindy Kay said...

Again thank you for sharing from your heart. I cant imagine feeling like the memories might slip away and how hard that would be... not wanting to EVER forget or have them lesson in any way. Dont ever feel guilty for for being at peace when those healing moments do come. They may be a long time off but God knows what you need and WHEN and how precious those memories are for you. The time you had with Timothy is a gift that can never be taken away - what a blessing that time was! What an amazing answer to your prayers. What an amazing witness for others of God's power and unfailing agape love for you! You have honored Him with every decision you've had to make. You are light to all of us and will be to so many more as your story is shared with others. Those memories will always be stored in your heart for you to remember Timothy forever. His legacy will live on and will continue to touch lives in ways that only God will know. I know that that doesnt make it less painful right now but in time you will have those same memories, no less of them, but even more joy as God gives you glimpses of the other families youve touched and how He's using your family for His Kingdom work. Keep holding on to His hand Jen, He's right next to you! Love Cindy

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you Jen and think about you everyday. Thank you for sharing your heart. Tell Emma that Montana just loves her "puppy" she gave her. It is her favorite toy!
May God continue to be real and give you the comfort you need at this time.

Erin said...

I cry because we as mothers are never supposed to experience this. God never intended this type of pain.
Holding on is such a understandable emotion. I too tried to hold on to tears, the pain, and memories. For letting go meant that I was further away from my baby. All we have are those things. Its a strange feeling to feel like if you heal you are further from your child. But I found that healing meant I was stepping into the promise that i would be reunited with my baby very soon. Tyler didnt mind that I wasnt crying as much or that I did indeed begin to let some of the memories fade.
Jen, as you heal you may not remember everything, but you will never foget the glorious hours of being with Timothy.