Love

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Before we were told that Timothy had Edwards syndrome, a friend was struggling and found strength in this verse. I will never forget our discussion that day. Through her pain, she found comfort in Gods plan. I was touched by her ability to trust God without understanding what his plan involved. At that time, this verse became dear to my heart. I didn't know that a short 10 weeks later I would be clinging to those words. I would roll those words around in my head over and over. Trust in the Lord...lean not on your own understanding...

I have been told by many people that I am a strong person to be able to be able to get through this time in my life. Each time I have heard that I think, "What choice do I have?". God didn't ask me if I wanted to go through a high risk (and scary) pregnancy just to hold my newborn baby for a couple of hours then watch as they buried him the the ground. If he had given me the choice I would have quickly said "no, thank you"...well, to be honest I would have yelled "NO WAY!!!" But now that I have met Timothy, I'm so very thankful that God didn't give me a choice. Instead he gave me a blessing. I have a brand new understanding for the word "Love" and I have a very different relationship with God.

I really wish that I could tell you that I have always had a wonderful and perfect relationship with my Savior. Unfortunately that would be a lie. I have often struggled. I have never read the bible cover to cover. I haven't spent my life diving into bible studies. Verse memorization has always been very difficult and I struggle with understanding the Word even in the simplest translations. I am not a scholar and often times I listen to my friends and their understanding of the bible with a sense of awe. I have always wanted to have the knowledge to have a religious debate or witness to someone in need but never felt like I was good enough.

As much as I struggled with my "book smarts" I have a true and genuine love for God. I have relied on him and trusted him to guide me when I was lost or help me when I was broken. He has been a constant in my life since I was a very small child. I vividly remember the day my name was written in His book. I was 6 years old and at vacation bible school. I came home and excitedly shared my joyful news with my mom, "God is in my heart!!"

Through out my life I have known many types of love. Love first entered my life when God chose my wonderful mom and dad. They always made me feel safe and secure. They cared for me and taught me how to stand on my own. They gave me a sister and brother that taught me about the ups and downs of sibling love. Our relationships have grown to be very important to me.

As I became a young woman God lead me to my wonderful husband, Kevin. He gave me unconditional love. I learned how to love my husband through my anger and my frustration, during the happiest days of my life and the darkest. He completed me. He's my lobster. (okay... that only makes sense to a few close friends, but they totally understand!)

After 4 years of marriage, I was blessed to learn about the love a mother feels for her children. A love that begins at conception and never ends. The moment I met my first son, Austin, I was simply amazed. I looked into the face of my little baby and felt a love that knows no bounds. I watched him grow and enjoyed every moment with him. I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly love anyone as much as I love my son. When my sweet Emma came into my life I was amazed as I felt my heart grow. This is when I learned I was able to love all of my children with the same level of depth. What a wonderful realization! Now I was really ready for more and we were thrilled when Kadin joined our family.

I have been blessed to know the love and support of true friendship. The love of a friend is priceless, timeless and doesn't know distance. I have learned to lean on these friends when I need them most and accept their support without feeling any guilt. We can give each other complete honesty and know that the love we feel for each other will never change. I love my wonderful pumpkin patch crew and would like to thank you for all of your cards, phone calls, emails, girls nights and prayers.


Through out the years I have known God's constant love. Sometimes he was so close that I could feel his arms around me and there were days that he felt distant. He has spent time teaching me, guiding me, and leading me. He was also preparing me to learn a new lesson about love. He gave me a wonderful gift that included a very new kind of love. A special love that not everyone has the opportunity to experience. He gave me Timothy.

One month ago today, I met my tiny son, and knew that I loved him so much that I had to let him go. Yes, it felt like I was giving up my heart and I was filled with pain and sorrow. But I was also filled with peace. I wanted my son to have the best life possible. I wanted him to have joy, happiness and peace. When I looked into his eyes I knew that he was destined for greater things. I knew that I couldn't make him better or take his struggles away from him. With all the love that I had for him, he needed more then I could give him. God asked me to trust him with my son's life. To let Timothy go to the Lord peacefully.

I made a choice to give Timothy's life to God. You might remember that used to say "What choice do I have?" I didn't have the power to save Timothy, or make him healthy, but I had the power to... trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I made the choice to trust God with Timothy's life. I know that he is singing with God and he knows more love then I have felt in my entire life. A love that God is saving to share with us when we have been blessed to enter His kingdom.

One month ago today my life changed. I will never be the same. I have a very different relationship with God now. I am able to trust him differently and I have a better understanding of his love and protection. I have no regrets and wouldn't choose to change anything in the last 7 months. I have grown spiritually and emotionally. If God came to me and asked me to do it all over again I would choose to trust in His plan and rely on Him to provide comfort, joy, peace, and love throughout times of trial.

Broken

I have had quite a few people tell me that it is difficult to open my blog with the music on, I happen to agree. To be honest I normally have the music off when I open my own blog. Sometimes it is difficult to know that God is "Holding" me right now. There are times that I don't feel like God is holding me at all. The pain runs so deep.

I'm broken right now. This can't be fixed. We can't get Timothy back. We can't pray for sudden healing or a miracle. Timothy is gone. I can't even say that God didn't hear our prayers because we never prayed for Timothy to be "miraculously cured", we prayed that he would be at peace, without pain, and feel loved. God listened to our prayers and Timothy had a wonderful, although short, life. But with that comes guilt. Should we have prayed for a miracle? Would he still be with us? What if we had asked for more time? Could we have brought him home?

I have a lot of people that ask me how I'm doing. My answer is always the same..."Alright". How do you explain to someone what broken feels like? How can you put words to an emotion that runs so deep that words can't even begin to describe or capture the depth of what you feel in your heart.

Kevin has been back to work for 2 weeks now and I miss him so much. He is my comfort. He is the only person that can truly understand what I am going through because he is is walking this road with me. I love to see his car drive up each evening and feel him arms around me. He has been a wonderful support for me. We spend time every day talking and connecting. Sometimes we just sit together. He is Timothy's daddy, he loves and misses him as much as I do.

I read this yesterday and thought that the author must have known grief.

A little girl lost a playmate in death and one day reported to her family that she had gone to comfort her sorrowing mother. "What did you say?" asked her father. "Nothing," she replied, "I just climbed up on her lap and cried with her."

Charles Swindoll

Holding on

I am trying desperately to hold on...

I'm trying desperately to hold on to Timothy. I want to hold on to the time I had with him, so I won't forget a single second of his time with me. I want to remember the emotions that I have right now; forever. I'm afraid that as time goes by I will start to feel better and I don't want to feel better or different. I need to remember the love that I feel for Timothy and the joy I had when I held him in my arms as well as the pain and sorrow I had when I had to let him go and say good bye.

I'm trying to hold on to some control in my life. I feel powerless right now. I have begun to realize that I have no real control over my life. I don't get to decide those things that I thought I could control. Now I realize that God controls my life. I am only able to make decisions about the path that he chooses for me. In some ways that is comforting for me. I know that he has my best interests in mind when he makes decisions about my life. But I also find it so frustrating. So... I clean. I have never been a wonderful housekeeper. Now, I can't seem to stop cleaning. It feel like the dirt in my life is the only thing that I can control right now.


I'm trying to hold on to my emotions. I never know when a wave will hit me. Will it hit me when I'm shopping in Walmart? Or when I'm driving down the street or as I'm visiting with a neighbor? Of course, it's really hard when I see a mother nursing her new baby. I have to work hard to stay strong in these moments and keep my emotions under control.

My children are trying to hold as well. They each have their own different and unique way of trying to keep Timothy in their lives. Austin has started collecting all the pictures he can and lining them up on his dresser (we had about 20 pictures framed for his memorial service). He talks about how cute Timothy is and which pictures are his favorites.

We have a little statue that we were planning on placing in our "Timothy Garden". Emma thinks of him as real and has named him Timothy. She carries baby Timothy everywhere. She takes him to bed with her and cuddles him on the couch. She talks to him like he is real and loves to play with him. I think that he will be in the house for quite a while.

Kadin has latched on to his mommy and daddy. He needs one or both of us to be next to him at all times. Kevin left yesterday morning for about 30 minutes and he cried for Daddy the entire time he was gone.

This week has come with it's ups and downs; sometimes in the same moment. On Wednesday I went to get the mail. There as a large envelope from the funeral home. I knew instantly what was in the envelope. I began to cry. It came. We received Timothy's death certificate before we received his birth certificate. In the same instant I received 5 cards from my closest friends. They were all out of town for the entire week (yes, I said ALL of them were out of town). But God knew I needed their support in that special moment and they were all with me when I opened that large envelope.

Slide show

I am thrilled to share our favorite pictures of Timothy with you. I know that most of you have have been anxiously waiting to see the "little man" you have spent so much time praying for in the last few months. Thank you for your prayers...God heard them all and he truly blessed us.

Sorry that the slide show is a little long. I did narrow the pictures down but there were so many I just couldn't leave out (103 to be exact)!!

Our Time with Timothy

It has taken me 2 weeks to compete this entry. With tears of joy and tears of sorrow, I would like to share Timothy's birthday with everyone...


July 28, 2008 3:55 pm. A glorious day that will be etched in my memory forever. It began with me arriving at the hospital in tears telling my nurse, Sarah, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this..."

Sarah was kind and reassuring. We sat on the couch together and discussed our birth plan and desires for the day. She heard my fears and took time to get to know us and Timothy. Before we started the induction she held our hands and prayed with us. She prayed for Gods strength and courage.

I was still a having a very difficult time. It was very scary to walk into the hospital knowing that I only had hours left in my pregnancy with Timothy. Normally, we go to the hospital excited to deliver our children. This was so different. We had no idea what was going to happen. The unknown was more difficult then words can express. Would we listen to our son's heart stop during labor and deliver him without ever knowing the color of his eyes? Would he live for one minute, hours, weeks or months? What would it be like to watch Timothy take his last breath? I couldn't cope with the unknown and fear consumed me.

Our original plan was to have a private birth with only Kevin and our photographer, Patty, in our room. We realized that I needed Karen with me. I needed the support that only a very close friend could give. Kevin called her and asked if she would be willing to come to the hospital early and be with us. Since she already had child care lined up, she was able to come to the hospital right away. Just knowing she was on her way helped me to focus.

Sarah started the pitocin at about 9:00 am and we were on our way to our first moments with Timothy. With the help of God and prayer I began to calm down and relax. Kevin's comedic nature and and Karen's quiet reassurance helped me tremendously. My fears began to melt away and be replaced with the discomfort of contractions every couple of minutes.

God also chose a wonderful nurse for us. He hand picked her for us. He knew that we would need her with us on this special day. Sarah hardly left our room. She kept us informed about everything that was going on with Timothy and allowed us to make decisions about our care. We were able to connect with her on a personal level with common friends and common interests. She is friends with my childhood best friend, Kelly, and her husband went to the same high school as Kevin. She also attends a church a couple miles from our house (which happens to be where Austin went to preschool). We had a lot to talk about and even laugh about.

We had an unexpected surprise when the Neonatologist came to visit us. Since we already made the choice to do comfort care for Timothy, we weren't expecting to have a Neonatologist with us when he was born. I was so happy when she came in and told us that she would be present for his birth. It didn't change our birth plan, but we were able to discuss Timothy's many medical problems and make some decisions about how we would support him if he was able to make it through labor and delivery. She was also very upfront with us about his prognosis and she felt that he would only live for a couple of hours, maybe a day or two.

Though my contractions were mild, Timothy quickly began having decelerations. We knew that labor would be difficult on him and we were glad to see him recovering well after each contraction. Dr Shope came in at about 10:00 to rupture my membranes. That was the funniest part of the entire day. I had polyhydramnios (excessive fluid). Without giving too much information, it was like a river overflowed! We were all laughing and giggling...even Dr Shope and Sarah said that they have never seen anything like it!!

The moment of joy was quickly turned to worry shortly after being ruptured. As I continued to contract, his heart rate began to rapidly decrease. Within a few minutes, it was in the 90's with decelerations into the 60's. Prior to rupture his heart rate was in the 140's, so it wasn't looking good. We tried different positions hoping that we might decrease his stress level but nothing was working. Kevin and I had already made the decision not to have an emergency c-section (someday, when I am ready I might share our birth plan). So we decided to wait and pray. Luckily it didn't take too long for him to adjust to the lack of fluid and his heart rate began to increase. Within about 30 minutes it was back up to the 140's, although, he did continue having decelerations with the contractions.

We were thrilled to see him doing better and decided to check for progression. Sarah did an exam that showed we were still 3-4cm, but she also noticed I was having problems with bleeding. After watching it for a while she decided to call Dr Shope (she was worried because the bleeding was more then normal). He told us that it looked like we had a partial abruption (the placenta begins to detach from the uterus prematurely), causing moderate amounts of bleeding. I was very worried with this diagnosis knowing that it could lead to a complete abruption which would instantly take Timothy's life as well as cause complications for me. Again we waited and prayed.

At about 11:00 my contractions were starting to get a little more painful and I decided to request the epidural. It turned out to be a good thing that I wasn't in extreme pain because the anesthesiologist wasn't able to come until about 12:15. I highly recommend the epidural. After having Kadin without one...I highly, highly recommend getting one.

At one point (I couldn't tell you when) we had another scary moment. We were all sitting around talking and waiting when all of the sudden I felt like I couldn't breath. I felt like there was fluid in my lungs and I was trying to cough it out but couldn't because of the epidural. I began to feel like I was going to pass out and the room went dark. I don't remember much... the nurses started pushing the fluids, putting oxygen on me, talking about a blood pressure drop, and calling anaesthesia. Kevin tells me that my blood pressure dropped form 120/70's to 80/40's. Sarah gave me effedrine to bring my blood pressure back up. Luckily it didn't take too long for me to start feeling better.

I was relieved to feel (almost) normal again. Roughly 45 minutes later I began to feel the smallest amount of pressure. I asked Sarah to do another exam and was shocked to hear her say that we were complete and ready to have Timothy. The room became a buzz. Dr Shope came within a couple of minutes, as well as the neonatologist and neonatal nurse. Patty was standing by with her camera and Karen was ready with the video. Timothy was born in 2 easy pushes...

It felt like time stood still. They placed him on my chest and I was able to see him for the first time. I was thrilled and scared at the same time. We didn't know if he would take a first breath. I was inches away from him and couldn't see him breathing. The neonatologist kept listening to his heart and I asked "Is he breathing?" over and over. All I heard her say was that he had a heart rate. No one would answer if he was breathing. I kept talking to him, begging him to try to breath. Then I heard it. He took a gasping breath. The atmosphere in the room changed; everyone was so excited. I rubbed his little body and kept talking to him. They gave him some oxygen and he continued to improve.

He made little squeaking noises, began slowly blinking his eyes, and looking around. Kevin was standing over us talking to Timothy and he would open his eyes and look for his daddy. He was so small and precious. To finally see and hold our new son was an answer to prayer and a true blessing. I wish words could capture how it felt to see and hold Timothy. All I can say it that it was wonderful, glorious, awesome, powerful, and amazing (and that doesn't even fully describe it).

We wanted his brothers and sister to have as much time with him as possible so we asked them to get him cleaned up and get the room ready for visitors. Timothy loved the heat of the warming table and continued to improve. Kevin stood over him like a proud daddy, and was especially thrilled when he went potty all over the Dr! They weighed and measured him. 4 pounds 12.9 ounces and 16 1/2 inches long!! WOW. Within a couple of minutes we were ready for Austin, Emma and Kadin to come and meet Timothy.

They were all thrilled to see Timothy. They had been waiting so many months for this moment and looked at him with love in their eyes.


Austin was so happy that you could see the radiance in his eyes. His smile took over his entire face. He was so protective with his new brother. He was quick to tell us how to hold him and to protect his head and neck. Every time someone would move Timothy, Austin was standing there telling them to be careful and not to hurt him. He cradled Timothy's head in his hands and he loved looking in Timothy's eyes and studying his face.

All Emma wanted to do was to hold him. She followed him around the room from person to person. She would allow other people to hold him for a couple of minutes then she was quick to tell them that it was her turn again. She was so gentle and careful with Timothy. She was the happiest sister in the entire world. She prayed and begged God for those moments with Timothy. I'm so thankful that His answer was YES...

Kadin was a little nervous and confused about all of the commotion but he curled up on my lap to see is new brother. His eyes were big as saucers when he saw Timothy for the first time. He kept his little hands on Timothy's little body. He held his foot for a while then placed his hand on Timothy's tummy. He held his new little brother and looked at his little face and loved him.


Aunt Janelle, Grandma, and Grandpa Myers came in to hold and see Timothy. They knew that this was going to be the only time that they were going to get to be with Timothy and it was very difficult for them to say hello and goodbye in the same moment. Uncle Raymond and Aunt Desiree were also there to spend some time with their newest nephew. They all were able to have a few treasured moments with him. After being held by everyone it was apparent that Timothy was getting tired and overstimulated.

Our family decided it was time to head out to give Timothy some quite time. Kevin was thrilled to have the opportunity to give Timothy a small bath. Since he was already a little overstimulated we decided not to undress him for a full bath. Kevin washed his hair and face in the sink. It was wonderful to watch him gently hold Timothy and quietly talk to him and he washed him. He was so gentle and loving.

Then everyone left and we were finally alone with our son. The room was quiet and peaceful for the first time all day. No nurses or doctors... just Kevin, Timothy, and me. I cherish those moments alone with my husband and our son. We placed him on my chest for skin to skin contact and used warm blankets for additional heat. We looked into his eyes and watched him take his first and only nap. Amazingly, of the 2 hours and 50 minutes he was with us, he was awake most of the time. It was wonderful to watch him sleep. Kevin and I had a a little while longer with him before it was time for him to say goodbye. At 6:45 pm he peacefully gained his wings.



We were able to spend several more hours with him before we had to let him go. I don't think I will ever be able to share those moments. All I can say is that it felt like I was giving up my heart. It is a moment that I hope no one will ever have to feel or experience.


For 2 hours and 50 minutes our sweet Timothy was in our arms. He will be in our hearts forever.

15 days

Kevin went back to work yesterday. I want to attempt to explain how I'm doing but I hesitate because I don't fully understand my own emotions yet.



For the last 15 days I have been trying to keep myself busy. The first week I was only able to get about 4 hours of sleep every night because I didn't want to be in bed. I would wait until about 2:00 in the morning, so when my head hit the pillow I would instantly go to sleep. Then I would wake up and get out of bed between 6:00 and 7:00, and get in the shower right away so I wouldn't have to think about what was happening. My showers were short because that is another difficult time for me. I spent my days and nights planing and thinking about things we could do to make Timothy's services special.



Then we went away and I spent my time being strong for my children. Again, I kept myself busy and if I would start thinking about everything, I would try to find something to do to keep myself going.



Now I am home and Kevin has gone back to work. I'm still trying to keep my self busy. I'm doing odd things that I never would have done before. I shampooed Emma's mattress today because she threw up on it a couple of days ago. I wander around the house looking for things that need to be done but at the same time I don't want to change anything. I want everything to stay the same as it was when we were pregnant with Timothy. When I get tired of wandering around the house I pack up the kids and go shopping. I am buying things that I wouldn't normally buy which means that I'm spending too much money.



I find myself on the computer, still trying to do things for Timothy. We have to design his grave marker, update the blog, and finish filling out his memorial book. I'm anxious to start his memory scrap book, so I have spent hours looking for the perfect digital scrap booking supplies on line. I am trying to get his medical records, put him on our insurance, and finish his hand and foot molds. I spend hours looking at his pictures, his guest book, reading all of the wonderful cards and emails (over and over), and just holding and touching the blanket he was wrapped in and the clothes he wore at the hospital.



I feel like if I continue doing things for him or touching his stuff I will be able to keep him alive like he was 15 days ago. I don't feel like any of this is real. It all happened so fast I wonder if it really happened at all. I don't want these tasks to end because I feel like as soon as they are over his life will really be gone.



I am not crying and mourning as much as I thought I would. I know that part of that is because a part of me feels relief. After spending so many weeks feeling nothing but fear and anxiety it is nice not to be consumed with worry. Another part of me is so happy that we were able to spend time with Timothy that I want to continue to focus on that feeling. I wonder if this is what denial feels like. I have been reading on the Trisomy 18 website and found that I'm feeling and doing the same things that the other mothers do. I aslo found out that the shock, denial, and disbelief goes away some where in the 4-8 week time period and I will start to have a new set of emotions...

Home again

We are finally home after 6 days at Grand Coulee Dam in Eastern Washington. Since we didn't have a computer, phone, or television (except for DVDs) it was a time of true connection with our children and each other. We spent so much time together that the kids are probably going to have withdrawal symptoms tomorrow as Kevin goes back to work. Okay... to be honest I will too!!!

I am so proud to share that Emma is now riding her bike without training wheels!! She learned quickly and took off on her first try. It is a little scary watching her because she doesn't have a fearful bone in her little body and she rides as fast as she can. So far she hasn't had any injuries, but there are moments when my heart skips a few beats watching her.

The weather was wonderful and we spent several hours every day at the lake playing together in the water and making sandcastles (I didn't know it but Kevin is awesome at making sandcastles). Austin is so outgoing that he quickly made friends and had endless fun with everyone on the beach. By the end of the week Kadin had lost his fear of the water and would walk out as far as he could so he could play and splash with his brother and sister. Unfortunately, he is not well balanced and fell in several times and needed to be rescued (we were never more then a couple of steps away from him).

My Dad, Mom, and sister joined us for some boating fun on Friday and we were able to enjoy rain, thunder and lightning in the morning until it cleared up in the afternoon. Our children love the boat. They enjoy the wind in their face and helping papa drive, but I think that they really love riding with out car seats! It was nice to have them with us for a couple of days.

We ended the vacation by taking the kids on a tour of the Dam. I haven't been on the tour since I was a child and Kevin has never gone. It was an amazing tour and a great way to end our family trip.

My goal was for our children to have a great, worry free week. I am happy to say that they did! Anyone that was watching us would have thought that we were on a normal family vacation. I wish that we were...

I don't think I will be able to clearly describe how I felt while we were gone. It felt like it should feel normal. I still have our 3 children, and life with them is the same that it always is. But in my heart, life is not normal. It is a very odd feeling to have. I never nursed Timothy, never bathed him, or put him to bed; but I missed him. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown almost every waking moment.

There were times that tears would begin to well up in my eyes and then I would look up and see Kevin's watchful, worried eyes following me. He would give me strength to get through the moment and I would focus on playing with Austin, Emma, and Kadin. I'm not saying that I didn't feel like I could cry for Timothy (because I do), but I really wanted to give our children a week with out worrying about me. Austin is very sensitive and he would occasionally look at me and ask me why my face looked so sad. Was it because I missed Timothy? Emma also had a hard time, especially when she would see a new baby, and she would tell us how much she missed Timothy. We talked about Timothy a lot and brought a picture of him with us. We talked about how special he is, how wonderful it was to see him and hold him, and how much we all miss him.

I'm thankful that we were able to get away. It didn't make the pain go away but it gave us the opportunity to focus on spending time together and start learning how to cope with the loss of our precious son and brother.

We are off...

I would like to give everyone a large thank you and huge hug. We have been overwhelmed with support these last few days. We are going on a family trip for this week to rest and spend time with our children. They need some undivided Mom and Dad time after the busy week of babysitters while we were making plans for Timothy's burial and memorial services.

I know that you would like to hear more about Timothy's birthday and I have been working hard trying to write my memories of that day. It has been an emotional journal to write but I plan to post about Timothy's time with us when we return next week.

Thanks again for your love and support during these last few months and especially these last few days.

Proverbs

Proverbs 14:6


Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief...





We went to visit Timothy and take him some flowers this afternoon. It was our first visit and the kids were excited to go. In the midst of our grief, God gave us joy. When we got there, baby land was being watered by large sprinklers. Austin and Emma still wanted to share their gifts so we let them. It was funny watching them run to his grave, put their plants down, then run back as quickly as possible. Then they decided that they would try to protect him from the sprinkler and stood guard for a few minutes. It almost felt like they were playing with Timothy for the first time.





As we drove away I felt so much emotion. I was happy that their first visit was a fun one and they can't wait to go back, but I also felt sad that our children have to go to the cemetery to play with their little brother.