Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Have you ever heard the term SPAL?

It wasn't until recently that I became acquainted with it myself. It stands for Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss. If you are a blogger and live in deadbabyland, it is a term that you are not only familiar with but in many cases you are desperate for.

I know that many babylossmommies that read my blog may have had a hard time reading about Mocha. I would like to tell each and every one of you that I am praying and will continue to pray that God will complete your families and you will find your self preparing for your rainbow baby soon.

I would like to be completely honest about my SPAL. Putting these feelings into words and on paper is extremely hard.

About 12 weeks after we lost Timothy I found myself taking a pregnancy test. As soon as the faint line began to appear, I fell to my knees in tears. These were not tears of joy. They were tears of fear.

Going through a SPAL is one of the most difficult experiences I have ever experienced. It is not easy. It has not made everything better. In fact, it has complicated my grief more then I can explain. I struggle with guilt, I struggle with fear, I even struggle with bonding (which of course makes me struggle with more guilt and fear!).

I wanted to wait until I could feel an abundance of joy before I told our friends and family about Mocha, so I waited...and I waited...and I waited. I began to feel my tummy grow and started to feel him move inside of me. And although those moments with her did bring me joy, they didn't take away any of the difficult thoughts and emotions that I have been having.

A few weeks ago my family began to tell me that I couldn't hide much longer and I would have to tell soon. So we decided that it would be through tears that I would have to make the wonderful announcement. I have been really scared to tell everyone about Mocha. I was frightened about their reactions. Would they tell me that it is too soon? Would they look at me with that "look" in their eyes that say's "What were you thinking?" Would they assume that now I am okay since I have "moved on"?

So far almost everyone has been wonderful! They have hugged me and told me that they are happy for us. They tell me how much they love the Currey kid's smiles and can't wait to see another one. I have had a couple hurtful comments... "So, I hear that you decided to do it again right away." (how do I even respond to that?). And after telling someone how hard it is emotionally she told me that I shouldn't struggle with fear or bonding...Yea, like it is that easy and I want to feel this way!

I am excited and thrilled at the thought of bringing home a little brother or sister for our children, but it is really hard to believe. God chose to give us Timothy and he chose to take him away. God has given us another blessing, I just don't know what his long term plans are...

Right now I have been struggling with some extreme fatigue. I'm sure that it is a combination of the pregnancy, emotions, lack of sleep, and trying to keep up with 3 kids and the house. Please join me in prayer for my emotions and my fatigue (and thank God that the nausea and vomiting are gone!!!).


The Earnhardt Family said...

I'm glad you're starting to share again... Thank you for sharing your feelings and your prayer requests. We love ya and are most definitely praying for ya, keep us posted! ...he...she...he...she...he... curses! ;-)

Aunt Laura said...

I pray for you constantly. I wasn't sure you were ready to talk about the new litte one yet. I'm thrilled! I hope people think a little more before they say stupid things to you. Guess they can't walk a mile in your shoes. I love you. Aunt Laura

Beth said...

I am right there with you. I'll go through phases - usually about a week at a time - where I am so excited and happy. Then, the fear strikes. I realize that all of my happiness might disappear in a heartbeat. For the past several days I have been so afraid of what will happen if I lose this baby, too. I seriously don't think I could cope. I also have started to feel a tiny bit of resentment towards this baby - I mean, she's not Ada. And THAT brings on the guilt. Then I tell myself that it's ridiculous to feel that way and I start to feel happy again...and the cycle begins once more!

I will be praying for you and this baby. You will bond with this baby - it just might take longer than you expected.

The Dortenzos said...

I understand your fears and feelings!!! Our first child was stillborn--we now have two other children and their pregnancies were very hard physically and emotionally! I am praying that God grant's you the peace and trust you need to be able to enjoy every second of this new life!!!

Jennie Bender said...

Hey, people don't know what TO say, often they don't think about it at all.

The beauty of moments like this, is when you are asked to help a broken heart in any situation, God will remind you of your great pain in dealing with Timothy's life and death, and fragile trisomy 18, and you WILL comfort his/her heart because of your GREAT loss.

Take it slow. It is very emotional. The delivery is different, more sobering, more grateful, quiet, sweet, sad, joyful...all in one=) There is no replacement for my sweet girl, but Darcy does comfort, and the Lord has brought joy.

Elaine is never far from thought, but that is because Heaven is so real. I know Where she is and Who she is with...and therefore, I can go on. The Lord has been our stay. He will help you through these hard times.

My mother always reminded me my sweet girl when I was tempted to be angry. She helped me keep my eyes on the main thing, and that was the Lord, His work, His way, and my girl I had for a moment, then eternity awaits.

You will never be the same, and that is as it should be. You will love, but it will be in a different way. The guilt will pass. Don't fret about it. It is part of your grief. Keep your eyes on the good in your day. He will always have a place in your heart and home. I know the Lord will comfort your heart in the birth of this child. It is good=) Happy for you. Be patient with yourself, you are doing alright=) It just takes time...Praying for you!

The Finnestad Family said...

Jen, thank you so much for being willing to put your thoughts down and press that "publish" button. I can't imagine how hard that was to do, as well as how challenging each day is for you. Each day is a new day and I am praying that God will fill your wounded heart today....and tomorrow I will pray it again...and the next day...and the next day. One day at a time. I love you!