Emma

Today was the scariest day of my entire life. I don't mean I was a little scared. I mean heart stopping fear.

I was at work this afternoon when I got the call from my mom. "Emma is missing. The police are at the house."

I already knew that she was at her house which means there is a big lake in her backyard. I didn't hear anything else. I didn't clock out from work. I grabbed my purse and ran out of the office full speed telling another nurse that Emma is missing as I ran.

I ran through the entire clinic and to my car. As I was running I was trying to call Kevin but my fingers wouldn't work. After several times I was able to get a hold of him. He wanted information. I didn't have any. I didn't even ask my mom any questions. All I knew was that Emma was gone. Then I called Karen and asked her to hit her knees in prayer.

I choose to drive to the house via highway knowing that I might be able to get there faster by speeding (I think I was going about 85 mph-maybe more) while hoping that there weren't any cops on the road. I held my cell phone in my hand praying it would ring with news that they found her.

The call came right before I rounded the corner to my mom's house. It was Kevin, he was also in rout (driving faster then me). Mom just found Emma and she is safe.

I rounded the corner to see the first responders. When my mom told me that the police were there I imagined 1-2 cars in the drive way. It was so much bigger then that. There were so many responders that they lined the street on both sides; there wasn't even a place to park. I threw my van in someones driveway totally blocking their cars and got out. I couldn't even walk. I went to my knee's in tears. A man approached me and said "you must be mom..." I agreed and he was quick to tell me that she is safe. He walked me into the house and I was able to hold and hug a very frightened little Emma.

I was also able to find out a little more information. Mom had left Emma's sight for about 20-30 seconds. When she returned Emma was gone and wouldn't respond when called. She checked the lake, the road, the house. As the seconds clicked into minutes her voice got more frantic and Emma thought she was in big trouble so she hid.

The first responders hit the water first. They were in boats and dragging the water in person by lining up and feeling the bottom of the lake with their feet. As the water search was underway an officer searched the house with mom. Room by room leaving nothing unturned. It was during the house search that Emma was found. She was in the playroom in the smallest corner possible under a playhouse slide.

She was missing about 20-25 minutes total. I only knew about it for about 10-15 minutes. I have felt fear in my life, never like those 10-15 minutes.

I would like to say what a wonderful job the Maple Valley Fire department and Police Department did. They took a call about a missing child and didn't hesitate. They used every resource they had and had more teams coming. What a difference that dedication made in our lives.

A New Look

You might notice that our Blog looks quite a bit different today!

Kevin and I put our talents together to create a whole new look. I have seen some blogs that look really fancy and just knew I could do it myself. I didn't want to pay a graphic designer to do it for me. So...I got to work. WOW. It has been a challenging week of research, learning, practicing, and testing.

I was able to handle the fun graphic part of the job and learned a little about computer programing in the process. Then Kevin came to my rescue. He has the degree and knowledge to deal with the techie part.

I still have some learning to do so you might notice some more changes coming, but I couldn't wait to get this out for everyone to see!

Wild Waves

Another great Timothy day!

My entire family took a vacation day from work yesterday and went to Wild Waves and Enchanted Park. The park opened at 10:00 am and it was already starting to get warm. We knew that we didn't want to be spending the "hot" part of the day doing the rides so we went straight to the roller coasters. It was a great day to go. Since most families go on the weekend, our children were able to have a wonderful time free of crowds. Several times they were able to stay on a ride and enjoy it 2 or 3 times in a row.

We made it over to the water part by about 2:00 in the afternoon. The kids were exhausted but tried to spend some time in the wave pool and kid area. About 30 minutes later they started dropping like flies. Emma was the first to fall asleep, then Kadin, and finally Austin. They all slept about 2 hours! By the time they woke up everyone was starting to get hungry so after a couple more minutes in the wave pool we were off for dinner and home.

Since it's bed time right now I will post pictures tomorrow :-)

Maternity Pictures

They arrived today!! I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of our maternity pictures. Two weeks ago we had the opportunity to have some maternity pictures done through "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep". Our photographer, Patty, is wonderful. Patty spent almost 2 hours with us getting awesome shots. If everything goes as planned she will be joining us for our delivery and will be taking pictures of Timothy when he is born. I can't begin to tell you how amazing she is, but her pictures give it away! If you would like to contact her please feel free to visit her website at www.barefootphotography.net.

I would also like to use this opportunity to introduce you to "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep". They are a dedicated network of photographers that use their skill to honor the memories of the precious babies and pregnancies that may have a short life expectancy or unexpected death. The photographers volunteer their time and services to allow families to have pictures of their little babies to cherish . You can visit their website at www.nilmdts.com.


I made a slide show of the pictures because there are so many great pictures. I even narrowed it down to my favorites!

Pictures

This will probably be the last glimpse we will have of Timothy before he is born. I am so excited to see and hold him. If he will hang out for a little while longer we might get him to that 4 lb goal because he is estimated to weigh about 3 lbs 3 oz right now. Way to go buddy!

I would like to send a HUGE thank you to Kyle and Athena for taking the time to give me so many wonderful pictures of Timothy. You have given me the opportunity to meet our little boy before he is even born. THANK YOU!!

Time out

Several people have noticed that I have been a little absent on the blog lately. First, I want to let everyone know that I am doing well. I have been spending a lot of time trying to think things out. My emotions fluctuate frequently. There are moments that I feel like I can't take another breath, then others times when I feel that I can get through this...





I would like to apologize...I have noticed that I'm having hard time staying involved with friends and family right now. I can't really explain why, except to say that I need some "time off". It can be hard for me to be "real" with everyone or even to just chit chat. If you have called me, or emailed me and I haven't responded I would like to say I'm sorry. Please forgive me and don't give up! Your support means the world to me and I don't want anyone to feel like I don't need you. I do, more then ever; I just don't have the strength to give much more right now.





I can't even tell you how often people tell me how strong I am. I am not strong. I'm happy to tell you that my support system is very strong. My husband takes good care of me and keeps me going. He doesn't make me feel bad when I haven't been able to clean the house or make dinner (pizza night!). He knows when I am having a bad day and will come home from work early, or he will cancel a much needed round of golf to be with me. My children have a way of put things into prospective for me. They have the innocence to show me how to love Timothy and, at the same time, accept his loss. And Karen always knows how to make me laugh, allows me to cry, and is willing to give me a kick in the butt if I need one.





I have also found a lot of strength through this blog. I don't know how many readers I have, or how often they pray, but after I have posted specific prayer requests I feel a sense of peace come over me. It feels like I have been lifted up in prayer. I am able cope with my emotions and think more clearly.





I still struggle with my desire to have some time with Timothy while he is alive, but I am also ready to be happy just to hold him.

Fathers Day

6:45 am, the day starts. But in this case I was greeted with the words..."happy fathers day", rather then "get up dad and turn on the TV", or "dad get up, I am hungry" followed by the normal pouncing. No, today I was able to sleep in till...wait...wait... that's right, 7:30am.

WOW, I was re-awaken by breakfast in bed by my lovely wife and 3 1/2 kids. This was a great start to the day. We went to church this morning where it was a tribute to the guys. The men of the church brought all their classic toys; i.e. cars, motorcycles and my favorite, a '66 Mustang (though if it would have been a '67, it would have been better!).

From church we rushed home so we could give Kadin his nap, as we had a busy afternoon. Question: When was the last time you took 3 kids under the age of 7 miniature golfing? My suggestion, don't try to keep score. We had an awesome time, and also another opportunity to have a fun experience with the kids and Timothy. Jen golfed with Kadin on her hip. I tried to be serious about making par, but that went out the window around the fourth hole when Emma and Kadin thought it would be fun to throw the ball in the water. We will definitely go back again.

To finish off the afternoon, it was time for pizza and movies. Funny though, for the first time ever, Austin and Emma could not agree on a movie, and I had to get one for each of them. Funny how fast they grow up and want their own things.

And for all you dads out there, what would fathers day be with fixing an appliance and the US Golf Open. In between movies, it was all I could do to watch the open and fix our washing machine. Remarkably, I was able to both. Washer is fixed now, and there is an 18 hole playoff tomorrow with Tiger and Rocco...go Tiger!

Finally, I have to say I love you to my wife. With everything that is going on, she does a wonderful job with our kids, and made today a great day for me. I probably would have been lazy and laid around the house doing nothing, but with her encouragement to get and spend the day in the in the sun (hey, we live in Washington, not much sun this year!) was the best thing for me, and in my kids eyes, the best thing for them too.

11:30pm...the day ends!

Doctor Appointment and Ultrasound

I had my appointment with Dr Shope today along with a formal ultrasound. This was my 8th ultrasound in the last 15 weeks. I was told that Timothy weights about 2 lbs 14 oz. Most babies his age weigh closer to 4 lbs. He looks like he is doing well right now. My fluid levels are high (polyhydramnios), and his growth are my biggest concerns at this time. He, of course, is the cutest baby ever. He has a Currey personality. It is difficult to describe how we can see his personality on that little screen, but we can. I just love those ultrasound moments. They make me want to meet him even more.

I had one main question/concern for Dr Shope. Our goal is to have a live birth (knowing that he may only live for minutes). With T18, it is common to have fetal demise in utero. My question is; how will we know when to induce Timothy? We need to induce before he has signs of distress but at the same time, give him as much time to grow and develop as possible.

After discussing my concerns for a few minutes, Dr Shope decided that the best plan of care would be to start weekly visits. I will have an exam at each visit and plan an induction when my body is ready (starting to dilate/efface). I am hoping to continue this pregnancy until at least 38 weeks, but I am preparing for an earlier delivery. Since I am already 32 weeks, this means I have less then 6 or 7 weeks to go.

I have been experiencing quite a bit of fear lately. I am really trying not to allow that fear to overcome me, but I am scared. I want to be okay with Gods outcome but I find that my selfish desires are getting in the way. I want to see Timothy while he is alive. I don't know if that is part of Gods plan. I don't know how to give up that desire and I don't know if I want to give up that desire. I know that this is out of my hands and, in the end, I will have to except Gods plan. I find myself fighting with him. I want him to give me those hours that I so badly desire. But I know that He knows the bigger picture and knows what is right for us. I need to accept his decision. I need to allow myself to give everything to him right now.

Please pray that I do not become paralyzed with fear as we wait for Timothy to arrive. Pray that I will give my desires to God and have the willing heart to let go when asked. Pray that Timothy continues to grow and that my polyhydramnios doesn't get out of control. Pray that Dr Shope will make the best medical decisions he can for Timothy and myself.

Ultrasond pictures

Thank you for all your prayers, we made it through the weekend.

I am pleased to report that the hours and minutes leading up to those difficult appointments were more stressful then actually doing them. The funeral home was very kind and the cemetery was beautiful. Kevin and I have some decisions to make about the memorial service, but these decisions don't have to be made for a while and we plan to spend some time thinking about them together. We were able to make some headway with the birth plan but it is not complete yet. I hope to have it done in the next couple of weeks.



We were able to get so much shopping done in the short 2 days without our children. I normally allot time for getting the kids in and out of the car, nap time, snack time, rest time, and meal time (not to mentions doddle time and fit time) whenever I go anywhere. It is odd how much you are able to get done when you don't have 3 small children to attend to. I missed them but was thankful for the opportunity to get so much accomplished. We were able to get just about everything we need for the upcoming events. We purchased outfits for the upcoming maternity photo shoot, 2 special outfits for Timothy including onesies and a hat (it was hard to find the "perfect" preemie outfit), a DVD video camcorder, new clothes for the kids to wear to the hospital, and numerous other odds and ends. We also enjoyed having lunch and dinner out on the town then went to the theatre to watch the new Narnia movie; Prince Caspia.

Our biggest reward for making it through the weekend, happened today. I went to Siemens to have another ultrasound. It was a wonderful way for me to be reminded of the reason I am going through all these hard days. I know that soon I will be able to hold Timothy in my arms.

He is so fun to watch. As you might notice, we didn't get any full body pictures of him this time. That is because he is getting too big! He how weighs about 2 lbs 9 ounces!! I am really hoping he makes it to 4 lbs when he is born. He is looking pretty good right now. The sonographers, Athena and Kyle are wonderful. They always talk to him and call him by name. He likes to give them a hard time and turn into a difficult position when they want him to be still. But they just laugh and try again. One of the best moments came near the end of the exam. He woke up and started opening his eyes. I have never seen anything like it. It looked almost like he wanted to see who was talking to him. I could clearly see him blink his eyes, open them, look around for a little while, then close them and go back to sleep. It was a beautiful experience and a very special moment for me.