Home again

We are finally home after 6 days at Grand Coulee Dam in Eastern Washington. Since we didn't have a computer, phone, or television (except for DVDs) it was a time of true connection with our children and each other. We spent so much time together that the kids are probably going to have withdrawal symptoms tomorrow as Kevin goes back to work. Okay... to be honest I will too!!!

I am so proud to share that Emma is now riding her bike without training wheels!! She learned quickly and took off on her first try. It is a little scary watching her because she doesn't have a fearful bone in her little body and she rides as fast as she can. So far she hasn't had any injuries, but there are moments when my heart skips a few beats watching her.

The weather was wonderful and we spent several hours every day at the lake playing together in the water and making sandcastles (I didn't know it but Kevin is awesome at making sandcastles). Austin is so outgoing that he quickly made friends and had endless fun with everyone on the beach. By the end of the week Kadin had lost his fear of the water and would walk out as far as he could so he could play and splash with his brother and sister. Unfortunately, he is not well balanced and fell in several times and needed to be rescued (we were never more then a couple of steps away from him).

My Dad, Mom, and sister joined us for some boating fun on Friday and we were able to enjoy rain, thunder and lightning in the morning until it cleared up in the afternoon. Our children love the boat. They enjoy the wind in their face and helping papa drive, but I think that they really love riding with out car seats! It was nice to have them with us for a couple of days.

We ended the vacation by taking the kids on a tour of the Dam. I haven't been on the tour since I was a child and Kevin has never gone. It was an amazing tour and a great way to end our family trip.

My goal was for our children to have a great, worry free week. I am happy to say that they did! Anyone that was watching us would have thought that we were on a normal family vacation. I wish that we were...

I don't think I will be able to clearly describe how I felt while we were gone. It felt like it should feel normal. I still have our 3 children, and life with them is the same that it always is. But in my heart, life is not normal. It is a very odd feeling to have. I never nursed Timothy, never bathed him, or put him to bed; but I missed him. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown almost every waking moment.

There were times that tears would begin to well up in my eyes and then I would look up and see Kevin's watchful, worried eyes following me. He would give me strength to get through the moment and I would focus on playing with Austin, Emma, and Kadin. I'm not saying that I didn't feel like I could cry for Timothy (because I do), but I really wanted to give our children a week with out worrying about me. Austin is very sensitive and he would occasionally look at me and ask me why my face looked so sad. Was it because I missed Timothy? Emma also had a hard time, especially when she would see a new baby, and she would tell us how much she missed Timothy. We talked about Timothy a lot and brought a picture of him with us. We talked about how special he is, how wonderful it was to see him and hold him, and how much we all miss him.

I'm thankful that we were able to get away. It didn't make the pain go away but it gave us the opportunity to focus on spending time together and start learning how to cope with the loss of our precious son and brother.